The Stage I’m in

Have you ever wanted to escape the stage you’re in? Duh, I guess Covid was a stage the whole world would like to have escaped. Except for the people who said ‘Heck ya, I can work in my pajamas?’ or ‘I loved having breakfast with my whole family every day for a year’.

I mean the baby stage was hard! Some new little person is waking me up day and night and I’m tired all the time. “Lord, please make them grow up quicker”. Then they talked too much and that purple dinosaur, Barney, was harshing on my 20’s vibe (Ya, I know I probably used that word incorrectly but I’m feeling kinda cool) Now, I’m more in the ‘feeling old’ stage and not liking it one bit. I’m sitting in my morning chair and my lower back aches. I want to begin my days with a run and that has gone out the window. I’m getting back to working out and feeling just a little discouraged. I’ve gained weight and my hormones are all out of whack. Yay, 50’s. I just opened Instagram to find my 23 year old daughter celebrated her birthday with her cute friends. They were all in their ripped jeans and wedges and adorable body suits. I swear I had a jacket just like Blaire’s when I was her age. In fact, I remember the cute red short set I wore on my 23rd birthday. Ever mourn an outfit? I have a closet full of clothes that don’t fit me. Add mourning to this stage of life.

If you have ever read my blogs before, you know that I’m not a fan of summer break. Weren’t the kids supposed to have summer school because of Covid? But, I have to admit sitting still for a few minutes made me realize that Zoe only has 7 more summers before she’s off to college. She has been out of school for 156 hours and I don’t hate it. Sometimes, Scott and I joke about how we would have been legit empty-nesters if Zoe hadn’t come into our lives. We also admit that we could not raise her with the wonderful, selfless, help we get from our adult children. When Zoe gets bored she can have a sleepover at big sister’s house. She will appreciate her new niece soon (Jane kinda gets all the attention) and be a great babysitter! So more emotional? Is that what I’m to expect?

I’ve been saying for a year now, in all my fifty years… All I know is that I can’t do it alone. I mean, I have friends who are ahead of me and walking right along side of me. God is my source of strength and my morning prayer begins each day for strength and wisdom. It’s all I know how to do. Today’s verse is from Psalm 31:3. ‘You are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.’

I know I will move past this stage and settle into a stronger me. I don’t love it anymore than I liked the diaper stage but my kids grew out of that pretty quickly. Oh no, I hope that stage isn’t just around the corner!

The Habit of Prayer

Anyone else still experiencing quarantine brain? Still moving in slow motion? Maybe it’s different all over the world. You are told you can resurface, reenter, merge into civilization, kind of. The ‘new normal’ talk is bumming me out. I don’t know about you, but did all your good habits remain?

I mean I was on a great track when it came to Heath and Fitness. We had a great meal plan and gym/run routine going until I got sick before my trip to Florida. I flew home, mocking a few people wearing masks in the airport, only to have Zoe off school the next Thursday to finding out her return was indefinite and we had to purchase a mask ourselves! What?? I still go back to when and where and how this Covid virus took over our lives and the world and feel like I was in the Twilight Zone.

But now with having bans lifted a week at a time, how are you coping?

What is your lifeline? Or should I say who? Who do you go to when a crisis hits? Who brings comfort? Who do you rely on? Has that listening ear?

Ever since I was a little girl the answer to these questions is God. I didn’t really go through a ‘questioning of my faith’ phase. I’ve most definitely gone through a ‘I’m forgetting you because life of good’ phase a few times, but more times than not, I’ve clung to my relationship with Jesus.

I’ve written before about reading the book ‘Atomic Habits’. Well I read books like these pretty slowly. I take notes. I talk about it. Then I maybe begin two other books before getting back into it. Sound familiar? With some books on my phone, on my office shelves and in my audible app I’ve got a cornucopia of amazing titles to keep my brain working. A habit I’ve been developing my whole life is starting my day reading Gods word. I change it up and sometimes follow a devotion on the You Version App. Today’s was about prayer but compared it to a very relatable subject; food.

‘The right food fuels your body and produces better results. When repeated over time, this has a compounding effect. This effect makes the results easier to see. When we get results, we begin to hunger for whatever fuels the results.’

(Creatures of habit: prayer devotion)

I’m currently in a 7 day cleanse. Since quarantine I’ve had a roller coaster of emotions as did the whole world. Many people have shared with me about the increase of baking – developing a new skill, carry out – to support local businesses, and my personal favorite, wine consumption. (hey, did anyone keep their quarantine corks?). In such a short time I lost my muscle and gained the weight back from my amazing 60 day plans I was so diligently followed pre- quarantine. My daily habits went out the window when my routine was forced into hibernation. I’m sure you all could share a similar scenario but we could all have different triggers. For me the lack of interest in home workouts was it. Mixed in with the undesirable Michigan weather (I love my state but the never ending winter with zero personal interaction with family and friends was the tipping point for me).

Whew! Have you sighed relief yet? Do it slowly. Let go of tension and now that we have great summer weather approaching breathe in some fresh air. I did that and then began my cleanse. It’s not crazy. Smoothies, salad and adding some salmon and chicken. But that’s it. It’s been great. And going back to my habit quote, this good cleansing feeling is what fuels me to stick to healthy food. Just in time to approach my big 5-0 in four days.

I love birthdays. I truly do. Blaire’s birthday kicks off birthday week in the Clode household on the 15th. Then mine and four days later Jacobs’. I digress here but this week looks a little different. Blaire is still in Texas so we will not be together on her birthday for the first time in 22 years. Gulp. And Jacob celebrates his 25th on Father’s Day while he is anticipating to become one in three short months. What. is. happening? Another twilight zone?

No. I just lived one glorious day after another and here I am turning 50! Habits in check. Growing more in love with Jesus and writing a blog for over 9 years. So prayer is what this whole blog is about (I’ve contemplated rewriting this but stay with me)

‘The best way to increase your hunger for prayer, is simply to pray more’ – (creatures of habit devotion.)

There are so many examples of Jesus praying to His Father before a big event. Before walking on water. Before performing miracles. Before His death on the Cross. You don’t have to be a bible scholar to have heard of these amazing events. I prayed before this pandemic. I prayed a lot during the pandemic and as we see a shift and dare I say, the end of the pandemic, I’m beginning each day, each conversation, each interaction with a prayer. I heard a quote this week from a priest that has since passed and after researching all the religions of the world he summed it all up by saying ‘we are in good hands’.

My prayer is that you feel His presence. You seek His presence. You know His presence. Pray for peace and begin your good habits today.

In Denial

So, is anyone else living in denial? You can’t see my hand waving but I’m guilty as charged. I know there is a crazy virus sweeping the world. I know many things are canceled but I for one hate it. I don’t want to postpone my husband’s 50th birthday celebration. I don’t want to homeschool. I don’t want to workout at home anymore. Did I say I don’t want to homeschool? I might be stomping my feet right now. Look away, it’s not pretty.

If I hear ‘new normal’ one more time ….

I don’t want to watch church from home anymore. I don’t want to NOT go to a restaurant or meet for drinks with friends. Finding new recipes? I don’t want to cook! Zoom isn’t cutting it. It was fun the first time but I don’t want to view my friends the Brady Bunch way any longer!

So am I going to keep sulking? Am I going to keep complaining? Oh, trust me, my husband is praying I snap out of it, NOW!

So I woke up today at 3:30 am. Like I usually do when things are weighing heavily on my heart. Don’t you? I went straight to the computer to get on some sites my daughter has made her ‘new normal’. Education at our fingertips. How great, said sarcastically. That means I have to do extra work. I might be the last mom to ‘get on board’ and take this schooling a little more seriously. I also might be the only mom who hasn’t baked with her kid or gave her more chores. You know the looks and attitude I get when I spring on Zoe a ‘hey, guess what. I’m teaching you how to vacuum’. I don’t mind doing my own chores but if I’m honest, I’m not getting to them as I usually do because of all this at home learning. Ugh! ‘At home’ is another awful repeated phrase, right? ‘At home’ talk shows and ‘at home’ dates and ‘at home’ work for my husband. Wow, he talks a lot on the phone -eye roll. I guess that’s my ‘new normal’. Trust me, I was all on board with it at first. We sidewalk chalked hope and tried to bring some brightness to a dim situation. I was all over social media, forwarding witty memes and sharing what this family was doing to cope. I wrote letters and dropped off secret packages to friends and neighbors. It was fun. See, I like doing that stuff. I remember birthdays and have stacks of cards just waiting to be posted. But now I have to organize my day to teach Zoe. She can’t do everything on the computer. Art, nature walks, yes, even chores.

So my new mind set is, get organized. I hear the unanimous Duh, from all of you. It’s so simple. I cleared off my bulletin board of old ‘expired’ calendars and added fresh ones. I organized MY desk for Zoe’s new workspace with areas for her books and writing materials. It’s not Pinterest worthy but I know Zoe will feel better about knowing what’s going on. I read articles. Ya, I wasn’t caught up on all the great materials my very own school was providing. I know this helps with her behavior and learning experience. I just was in denial.

We celebrated Gotcha day this whole weekend. Sibling dinners and notes from friends and family. Some gifts were given to express our love. That’s my love language but I remembered Zoe’s. It’s time! I’m going to cry just writing this down. TIME! I put her to bed every night and read and pray. But last night I sang to her. I sang like I did the very first night we got her. I sing church songs and she just cuddled up and smiled. It was so cute. She told me she loves when I sing and then requested a song for tomorrow night. Guys, I know change sucks. I want my old life back. I’m just deciding not to live there anymore. It took 28 days! I have Zoe for at least 8 more years and I want to nurture our relationship. Well, this shut down has given us time. Time to reflect, time to spend wisely, time to share in whatever ways that comes naturally to you. Please share with me the good, the bad and the ugly. We are in this together.

A Good Cry

So have you had one yet? You know, a good cry. That moment when you let go of the tension you have held on to for far too long. That feeling of doing everything for everyone and you are growing weary. Or maybe it’s the overload on your brain. Sad or even grim information filtrating your home via your TV, phone, Alexa scroll, every social media site. Heck, even while my daughter is on an educational site, taking the place of her conventional classroom, she is reading reminder pop ups to wash her hands often. Not knowing how to feel when we wake up is another crazy feeling. So cry it out!

I mean how many times can I hear the word ‘unprecedented’. Jokes fly around about making it a drinking game. Take a shot every time you hear that word. I’m not a drinking game kind of gal but come on, aren’t most of us on the verge to doing just that! Since this COVID-19 has hit our country we have experienced the other word we have seen all too often; Canceled (I’ve chosen to go with the American spelling of this word…look it up) In my world it came at one of our busiest weekends. A beloved International Festival at my daughter’s elementary school. Then it was her last basketball game and party. I had a cancer fundraiser canceled and dinner with friends. Then it was church and a baptism and a friend’s mother’s memorial. I mean I usually have busy weekends but that was all rolled into one. One weekend! Right around the corner for most Americans is our week of Spring Break. Oh, it’s canceled. We will just postpone it all. Another yucky word we have all had thrown into our vocabulary involuntarily. And I can go on and on. Honestly as I was saddened by ‘my loss’ I was trying to empathize with a friend losing her father to health complications and the biggest complication was just to get to visit him. Many people have loved ones in a senior home and cannot visit them. My parents are elderly but I’m so thankful we literally just experienced a relaxing week in Florida with them. I’m praying that holiday didn’t compromise their health but having the borders literally closed, so just going over to say hello in Canada for a day is not even an option now.

So we get back to how we can just make it through this day. Make this brand new Monday not just bearable but cherish-able. Well, if you recall, I’m the mom who cheers when summer vacation is over! I dance my way to school as I kiss Zoe goodbye and yell out ‘freedom’. Well, I must begin my day, as I usually like to, and that is being in God’s word. The Bible reunites me with the God I have relied on throughout my whole life. Dating, marriage, motherhood, adoption, friendship. I can’t enter into any of these things without guidance, hope and love expressed through the life of Jesus. So I call that focus.

Doing good for others is the next thing that drags me out of sadness. My word for 2020 is Serve. In a time of isolation (another word for that proverbial drinking game) we need to look out for others. We all grabbed enough toilet paper for our household but you might have ‘a square to share’ (thanks Seinfeld for that hilarious visual) Who will it be for? What neighbor needs a sidewalk visit. A love drop of cookies or a friendly note saying ‘I’m here and I care’. I’m also trying to call someone a day and I’m a big letter writer so we might as well give our amazing mail carriers something worthwhile to deliver. Something I didn’t know was missing in my day was quiet time with Zoe. Again, if you know me, you know that Zoe jumps out of bed talking and it’s always too soon for me. I have asked God to work on me. Usually we have one hour to get ready for school. This is plenty of time but it hasn’t been priority to begin with the Bible and prayer. Hopefully this unexpected halt to our usual routine will establish this habit I have neglected with her.

So how will this Monday look for you? Probably very different than your daily planner would tell you. We are working out from home, some are homeschooling, some have adult children back under one roof. The crazy ones are getting a dog. Sorry. I had to throw that in. Enjoy.

I’m done crying and now smiling.

Zoe is trying to respect my time finishing this blog but calls out from the laundry room, ‘Mom, how do I turn on the dryer?’ Confused I call back ‘Why’? Zoe: Because I want to dry my clothes’. I call out the instructions and watch my very satisfied ten year old walk back out of our laundry room and get dressed for her day. Kids are resilient and since we don’t have our TV on blasting warnings and gloom all day my daughter can adjust to her new look on life. It’s temporary right? Quarantining is strange when we don’t feel sick. I understand that we need to know the facts but I want to be in charge of when I receive it. So let’s keep our phone calls and texts light and uplifting. And when we begin to focus on ourselves and our ‘losses’ we know that most likely someone else is going through something bigger and more difficult.

Isaiah 41:13 – For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Celebrations

Maybe you’re like me and you have been going through your Facebook feed of pictures, events, and celebrations you shared throughout the year 2019. I am recalling all the good things that we celebrated this year and couldn’t be more grateful.

The profile pictures that are selfies or with loved ones. Memorable vacations or your proud parent moments. Whatever you hold dear to your heart usually becomes the highlight, the shout out, the statement of the hour, day or month. I honestly can’t come up with one perfect moment this year. The top ones are usually the ones not captured on film. Many moments this year were celebrated with James and Blaire getting married. I think the moment I cherish the most is when Blaire and I laid on her bed the day before her wedding. We just had an emotional family breakfast and her bedroom furniture was being moved out of my house and into her new house. We held hands and cried. We laughed and recalled great memories. Knowing our relationship would change was difficult but I celebrated her new life as a wife.

The ten days being shown around California by Jacob and Rachel was memorable since I wanted to love the state that claimed their second and third year of being a married couple but also knowing they were moving back to Michigan later in the year. We laughed, we swam, we tasted wine and ate great food.

The moment we surrounded Scott the night before his long awaited race in Boston can’t be captured by a camera. We presented him with a binder of letters and pictures celebrating his running career and his ultimate goal achieved in Boston! So precious as we saw tears stream down his face and I could feel the relief and pain and dedication and pride all rolled into one moment.

Celebrating both my parent’s birthdays is always precious and not taken for granted. Family weddings and welcoming new babies to our growing family. Scott and Jacob launching their new company and seeing the highs and lows of being a boss, leader, mentor. Proud moments of when Zoe steps up to be kind or when we have a good hair day. They aren’t captured on film but so important to our story of 2019. I guess I haven’t thought much about the last decade since we are turning the calendar to 2020 in one day. I have a word for the new year but a word that comes to mind for the last decade is HOPE. Scott began his crazy marathon training ten years ago!! He has run 20 marathons and not slowing down. When we decided to run for a purpose it changed our lives for sure. Not long after in 2013 we got to bring Zoe home and for a few years in a row one of us has had the privilege to visit Africa and serve the people there. Raising money for clean water has been a family mantra for sure. A drive to make our actions count. Running has definitely defined us in the ’10’s for sure.

Pain hit me in the beginning of this year and getting a procedure on my foot gave me hope. It gave me a change in attitude and later in the year made me get a handle on my health and eating habits to be the best me for 2020. This is the year Scott and I turn 50. I’ve been experiencing some pain in the same foot again and trying to stay positive. I had hopes for a half and full marathon by May and I might have to settle for just one half. Stay tuned. But, if I head into 2020 focused on just me, it will be a sad year. God has shown me through Scripture and well, obvious signs around our house, my word for 2020 is SERVE. I’m expecting I will be able to serve in areas that won’t be captured on film and hopefully go unnoticed. A friend posted this quote talking about Scott’s company. ‘To serve is beautiful, but only if it’s done with joy and a whole heart and a free mind.’ (Pearl S. Buck).

Celebrate the hurts, the struggles, the victories, the milestones and just every breath.

1 Samuel 12:24 says, ‘Fear God and serve Him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things He has done for you.’

Happy New Year!

Don’t Let Go

Last night, I had the best time reminiscing with my parents. I was going to say my ‘aging’ parents but aren’t we all aging? My parents are 88 and 85 and really don’t look it. On the phone my mother can sometimes sound older but that could just be the hearing aid acting up. They drove from Canada to see my youngest act in a church performance last night and I decided it was the perfect time to get a box of old photos out. I was having trouble recalling the names of friends and relatives (some I had never met) and seized the moment. Having them sit right next to me and recalling friends in old black and white pictures was a great memory for me. I even asked my daughter to grab her phone to snap a picture of the enjoyable moment. Mom and dad would say things like ‘Oh, they died last year’ or ‘I don’t remember that picture being taken’. There was a backstory and a side story and sometimes two stories when my mom insisted dad didn’t have it right. ‘No,no,no Ken, that wasn’t her’. At one point I looked at my dad’s expression laughing with my mom. A lifetime flashing by before him, I knew he liked that I had this mix of old photos to pass along to my children. I also thought about how sad it would be if we didn’t remember these faces. I never knew my mother’s parents. They died before I was born. Recalling good times brings joy to the soul for sure. Some friends had tragic deaths and they died young. Some friends moved far away from Scotland like my parents did and began lives in the US and Canada. Some ended up at my church growing up and I remember them. Some were related to people I didn’t even know about. That sort of discovery blows my mind at how small this world can seem at times. Relationships, community, laughter. All the ingredients for a life pouring into people and how we can be influences on one another. My parents brought me up to love the Lord God, believe in Jesus and put Him as the highest importance in my life. A legacy passed down from both of their parents and even further back than that. A treasure I wish I could go back to thank my great grandparents for but for now I will keep these pictures and put names to the faces. If I don’t know, no one will be around to remember.

I have been currently reading The Story, which is a story version of the Bible. Having read through the Bible once before it’s not something that I regularly do. The language and lineage of names that are difficult to pronounce has me lost quicker than my coffee can stay warm and I find myself drifting off to my phone and Instagram. Forgive me. My faith doesn’t lie on knowing the names of those thrown into the fiery furnace or being able to name all twelve of Jacob’s sons but if I don’t visit them often in the Bible they will be forgotten and that is just sad. From a childhood of Sunday school stories, reading ‘The Story’ Bible is triggering the main event and allowing me to process the information that maybe wasn’t kid friendly to share. The Bible is called the living word, which I believe it to continue to teach and train me for life. In a similar way, I can learn and understand life from old photos of my relatives. God was very present in those days and tragedy hit. Sometimes, smiles were absent from some for very good reason. We don’t have to know all the details or gossip from every situation to know that God is still very present. He wants to teach us to love and pass along the very real purpose of raising kids and families to live for Him. With each generation comes problems, sadness and heartache. Just by knowing one another we can make a difference for the next generation. I just don’t want to allow my generation to miss out on knowing and remembering how God was and is. You know He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

My parents have changed … a lot. My father has the biggest mustache, that my mother doesn’t care for. They both have shrunk a few inches. (I wonder when that will happen to me) but recalling old times brought a smile and a laugh to both my parent’s souls that I will cherish forever. I want to read the Bible (or story version) with eyes like that. A loving God, retelling of generations He always loved, but some followed Him and some did not. Foretelling of His beloved Son, Jesus, and having Him die for you and me. I’m asking and praying for God to continue to reveal how that changes my life now in 2019 and passed down to generations to come. My word for this year was faithfulness and God has created moments to open my eyes to His faithfulness. As Christmas approaches, may you catch glimpses of love, laughter and joy and don’t let go.

Learning Contentment From a 10 year old

The email came out three minutes after the promised 4:00 pm time. One mom had already texted me their daughter’s class selection and I hadn’t received Zoe’s yet. Not anxious at all as I waited and refreshed my inbox on the computer. I didn’t want to manipulate the process. I kept my wishes between me and God and trusted He’s got Zoe’s best interest in mind.

It’s deja vu when it comes to waiting on what teacher my kids are going to get. Even though it seems like a lifetime ago that Jacob and Blaire were in this same situation, I recall relying on God’s decisions. We decided two years ago to take Zoe out of a private Christian school to be an example and light in a new neighborhood and public school. Back when I had a four year old and one year old and just moved to the USA, I wasn’t so sure about public school for my kids. Jacob was reading at the time and so eager to learn. I didn’t want to send him to school and get caught up in the ‘wasted’ time spent on getting 25 kids to sit and listen. Now of course, I’ve changed my view of what God wanted for our children. We did homeschool, and did the Christian school thing but after a few years I’m so glad we asked God where He wanted them and that was public school. We didn’t intend to shelter our kids. In the informative years, I do believe every child is different, but we developed the love of learning, controlled social media influence and grew as a family while I homeschooled for 5 years. An option arose to transition them to a small Christian school one year at a time and they flourished. Once we heard the call to public school we were scared. We cried and trusted and knew our kids were up to the task of standing out and being confident in what they believed. It wasn’t always easy and more tears were shed but they grew and it shaped and molded them to who they are today. Thank God.

Once we thought about adopting another child, I thought that meant homeschooling again and possibly go through the exact process. It worked once, why not again? Zoe is a different child. She was inquisitive and learned English so quickly. She became confident and assured of who she was so in no time at all , preschool made sense. She has always loved being around other kids and thrives off it. She’s not easily influenced but she learns from others. I also needed a break, so that was what we did.

I’ve been praying all summer for the right class for Zoe to be in. But once I found out, I began my negative thinking process as I always do. Facebook has a school page and once I logged on I began to scan all the kids NOT in Zoe’s class. I wondered why and in doing so I was really questioning God. I do believe God has Zoe’s best interest at heart. She is friendly and liked by most kids and has created special bonds with girls from her last two classes in her new school. Her appointed teacher wasn’t her first pick although a great selection. She was positive and said, ‘I’m sure I will like him’. How can I mess with that attitude? I kept my thoughts and comments to myself but still beat myself up over how I truly felt.

Praying for God’s guidance doesn’t mean I’m only happy if the outcome is how I planned it. I should recall that our move to Michigan wasn’t what I actually planned for but God has created so many amazing opportunities for our family here. Yeah God.

Adopting Zoe wasn’t in my plan but once we surrendered I can’t even imagine what our lives would be like without her. Thank you Lord. With each parenting decision we have made for our kids like school changes and neighborhood moves and church moves, I don’t want my life to play out the way I imagined it. My mind is limited and shallow and God is great and powerful and imaginative, so therefore, I need to be content in all circumstances. (Philippians 4:11) In the same chapter and verse 6 and 7 it says, (My paraphrase) don’t be anxious about anything but bring all your ‘asks’ to God and the peace of God will come over you. I can have peace that I laid this school issue at the feet of Jesus no matter what the outcome is.

Yesterday, I was reminded by a friend that the testimony of our lives is the example of our lives as we go through a series of tests. We are tested every day. Choices are before us. Do we choose what’s quick and easy or do we go for the struggle and the ‘leaning on Jesus’ choices? In my experience, the latter has the best outcomes.

Dannah Gresh says Unless we slow down in praise and humility, we forget the One who is really producing fruit and calling the shots.

So, as I prepare my daughter for fourth grade in public school I want to be full up on prayer, have open conversations with her and as they allow, I want to be active in my school and daughter’s class. I love getting to know her friends and be apart of all the fun activities as the year goes on. Whatever stage your kids are in, never give up on bringing your asks to God. So when you do, don’t be gripped by fear but filled with freedom that He’s got them.

I’m joining in my second year of a Moms In Prayer group that I’m so happy to say our school has. What a blessing to meet other prayerful moms in our district and neighborhood. Look one up for your school if you feel called to be apart of one. www.momsinprayer.org

Precious Moments

Remember those cute little plump figurines that were popular to collect? You remember Precious Moments. I had a bride and groom one, a bridesmaid one, and a first baby figurine. If you are unfamiliar with this fad or under the age of 25 then go google it and come back.

Well, this precious moment was experienced two nights ago when Zoe got her book out for me to read a chapter before bed. A regular occurrence that sometimes after a busy day a mom wants to rush or omit. Until you remember they aren’t going to be nine forever. The book of the week is Clementine. A classic, funny, read aloud and as I began reading where we left off the night before, Blaire popped into the room. She curled up on Zoe’s bed and they both snuggled in for a bedtime story. Sometimes our kids pull out the old Green Eggs and Ham or a Fairy Tale to be read and it feels like the 100th time. I was always a fan of when they graduated to chapter books. Something entertaining for both of us, you could say. This was a classic I remember from when Blaire and Jacob were little. I do love to read out loud to kids. One by one they are growing up and getting married and I feel like it’s deja vu. This is not a complaint one bit. Today I’m full of nostalgia. Full of reminiscing and enjoying it. I don’t hate that Blaire isn’t going to live here anymore. I will miss it but she’s ready to fly off the branch. Away from mamas nest. She is confident and secure and yet reliant on Jesus in a way that makes any mother proud. She isn’t leaving us and can still join in on a story-time or two. So yes, I choked back a few tears this night. I tried to read without cracking my voice. I want her to know I’m good with the new change.

It’s Zoe, that’s more difficult to understand. She doesn’t cry much or show much emotion and although she’s excited to be a bridesmaid in one day she still tacks on, ‘I hate that I’m missing field day though’. Yes, Friday, May 31 has been deemed Blaire and James’s wedding day for a year now but field day is important to my third grader too. Maybe when she’s older she will grasp the love she has experienced by her sister. Blaire, at the age of 8, wrote in a journal, ‘I wish I had a younger sister’. Her wish came true through a series of miracles and now Blaire gets to have her sister join her sister in law and the best friends a girl could ask for, to stand up and support her on her long awaited wedding day.

This mom is a big fan. I don’t think I needed to write this blog to convince myself. No, I will allow myself to feel all the feels. (advice from my sister in law.) I don’t want to be a blubbering mess but when someone texts me ‘I’m praying for you’ I get choked up. When we listen to a special chosen wedding song I get choked up. And when I picture my husband walking his baby girl down the aisle… well, I’m a bit of a mess right now. I’ve heard it said that you can’t prepare yourself for these kinds of moments. Someone also asked me if it’s different this time with Blaire as it was for Jacob. No, it’s the same. You love your kids so much and train them up to be strong and God fearing adults. You pray that they surround themselves with good people and then you let go. That’s where faith comes in. They have always been in God’s hands but under our roof. I think the biggest gift we can give our children is our blessing.

I was reading in an old journal I wrote on Blaire’s second birthday, nearly 19 years ago;

‘Today Blaire is 2! My little one is 2! I can’t believe it. She’s not a terrible two although she’s very independent and stubborn. She is starting to play with Jacob and she loves the attention. I thank God for her. I want us to be friends.’

This has been a precious journey. Can’t wait to read chapter 2.

Real words by Zoe: dated this morning… “I don’t have any tears unless you’re doing my hair”

Thank God it’s May

I have been complaining about the Spring we have been experiencing here in Michigan. The good I see today is that I’ve noticed that we can see the sunrise from our bed. We sleep with the windows open so the crisp air and soundtrack of chirping birds have coupled up to wake me in time to catch a glimpse of the beautiful colors painted in the sky. This morning I can see a pale yellow with a strip of tangerine, pale blue and then an unusual violet color to top off the beauty. We just might have a sunshiney May day. Rainy, damp days have been the norm of late and even though I try not to allow the weather to dictate my mood, spring in Michigan does that for me. Winter is a given. Lucky if the snow and cold waits until November to rear its ugly head but the snow and cold comes and I’m ready for it. Lately though, we don’t get very nice Aprils. Hence the option of heading south for Spring Break.

Tomorrow is my anniversary and I remember a week like this back in ‘92. Cool temperatures and praying for sun on the 9th. We did get a beautiful blue sky day for our nuptials. I love May. We said ‘I do’ on Scott’s 22nd birthday followed by Mother’s Day. Lots of reasons to have cake in May. Now we count down the days until my daughter, Blaire, says ‘I do’ on the last day of May. This event might also be the reason for the high emotion in the Clode household. Wedding prep is everywhere. Running out the door for appointments and last minute wrap up sessions are also apart of the next 23 days. I’m happy for Blaire but sad she’s leaving. Without warning, a couple of her friends just packed up her things in her room. Her room has become one of the cleanest in the house the last two years. Clean white walls with gold accents with a made bed everyday and an organized, tidy closet. Who is this girl? I haven’t cleaned her bathroom for years. Her and her brother have had that chore to share since they were 14. My mom reminded me of how I used to love cleaning the bathrooms and always had a clean room when I was younger and still under her roof. Lessons and habits passed down the generations. I just keep hearing ‘well done’ and yet I can still have a crappy day and get snappy that there are too many shoes in the mud room or that my dining room table becomes a work station. Sometimes I ask for a quiet morning but am reminded that this house will be all too quiet when my daughter’s friends don’t meet here for bible study every Thursday night or when we don’t have 10 cars filling our back lot because all of Blaire’s friends are back home from college. I’ve enjoyed the flower arrangements we have all over the main floor since that has become a new hobby of Blaires’.

I upset her yesterday. She read some advice marriage paper I was filling out for her and got offended. I wrote, and I quote, ‘you do a lot but maybe don’t realize you will be responsible to fill the toilet rolls etc. ‘ . She walked in the door and I mentioned that maybe some of her writing had etched into our table when she responded with, ‘ is there anything else wrong that I do?’.

I was confused but we talked and she thought I meant that she never refills the toilet roll. Nope. Not what I said. She will be shocked at filling everything in her new house. Having to buy the toilet rolls and paper towels and everything that runs out. That is her weakness. A sign of being an adult is buying regular supplies and not just the ice cream. True story. And you might even start to buy the cheaper versions to save money. I hope. We all do.

It’s never easy seeing your kids move on and I’ve expressed my feelings in many different ways over the course of this year long engagement. Excitement and love is mixed with sadness, I’m not going to lie. That’s life. My mother did an amazing job of letting me go. Raising me and teaching me to be launched into the world as an independent woman is what my mother did well. The letting go part is key. Sigh. Eye roll…. and bathed in lots of prayer. Now I get to do it. To my knees I go….

Lord, you have given me the greatest gift of raising three amazing children. Your guidance and faithfulness, my mothers training, many other mother’s support, lots of books and trust have got me to this moment in life. Launching number 2 is difficult but you love Blaire and James so much and I know they are in your hands. You comfort me when it’s difficult and when the tears fall but this is the natural flow of life. I’m letting go of any worries or anxious thoughts. You painted the sky for me today and I’m thankful I got to reflect on where my life has taken me. You are an awesome God. Amen.

Happy birthday to my stallion.

Happy 27th anniversary to the man of my dreams

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there and to my very own Mom, whom I treasure every year God grants me with her.

Many of my nieces and nephews birthdays are also celebrated in May.

Happy wedding day to my precious Blaire Elizabeth. Can’t wait to have dinner in your home and I will be in awe of your very clean refrigerator. Xox

Running Changes You

Running changes you.

True statement. Either, for good or for bad, a run changes how you feel, how you think and how you will live out your day and life.

Have a good run and you will generally have a good outlook on what comes your way. Have a tough run and you could face your day with more determination. Some runs are completed to prove something. Some runs are completed to merely check off to get you further and fitter to the next run.

I’m no expert runner. A novice at best but I have a few medals under my belt to feel the feels. The struggle. The victory. The scenic race. The iconic race. The painful races. The personal record and the ‘just get me to the finish line’ races. The fanfare. The lonely races. Then there’s the ‘God and me’ races. I believe God gives me strength beyond what my self imposed strength levels are so I rely on Him always.

Then there’s the why. Why get up early? Why run in the Midwest cold? Why run alone? Why schedule runs with friends? Why travel a distance to run a race? Why set your sights on a certain time? Why run through injury? My personal why was to say I ran a marathon. I saw my husband do it so why not me? Then we found a way to bring awareness to a dire situation in Kenya. We learned we can help bring clean water to a beautiful people that are sick from drinking dirty water. Children dying and mothers struggling to give the best for their child. My why became to run and raise money. A drastic shift from what I want to helping others. A clearer look at ‘do unto others’ or better yet ‘what you do for the least of these you do unto me’. Having visited Kenya a couple of times allowed me to walk among these people in the heat and see and smell the dirty water. Learning about how treacherous their daily walks become drove me to more training and more runs. When I began running 9 years ago I was young, I was healthy and we became apart of a community of fellow crazies who also gave up their time to run. Every Saturday was devoted to run together and strengthen one another. Young and old. Some fit and some overcoming shortcomings. I’ve heard many stories of lives changed here and in Kenya so I ask why not?

My husband, Scott, was the biggest advocate for this movement and it changed our whole family. We housed the equipment for these weekly runs and attended these annual races which turned into personal runs and many more people took on races near and far. I think from the first marathon Scott ran in Chicago in 2010 he believed he could run fast enough to qualify for Boston. Even Desi Linden, a local runner, and famed marathoner, who won last year’s Boston marathon, says it’s the epitome of marathons. The joke became Scott needed a Boston jacket that is proudly worn by qualified runners. Anyone can fundraise to get into a race or win by lottery but I believe this one should be reserved for the qualified. Scott ran with a few guys that pushed each other. They kept each other accountable to wake up and run and share stories, their advice and their lives. A band of brothers, they are and it’s admirable to say the least. They fight injuries and don’t complain. They have had a time to strive for and this weekend four of them have done just that. Scott actually qualified two times before this one that got him a coveted spot. He will lace up his shoes and don his bib and a huge smile on Monday to run his dream. I have run in some of Scott’s races or cheered him on from the crowded sidelines. Marathon spectators are serious to fight the crowds and city transportation to get a glimpse of their loved ones. They yell and jump up and down and carry crazy signs and cheer thousands of strangers before they see their runner come and go. They yell mantras and encouraging words and are filled with such joy to see their runner fulfill a dream. This Monday all my kids are here in Boston to cheer on their Dad. They have witnessed determination, persistence and down right hard work at its best. What an example of ‘Clodes don’t quit’.

As we land in Boston I glance over at Scott. He gives me a childish smirk. He’s humble but full of pride. I’m ready to cheer on my hero.

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