bonding

In Denial

So, is anyone else living in denial? You can’t see my hand waving but I’m guilty as charged. I know there is a crazy virus sweeping the world. I know many things are canceled but I for one hate it. I don’t want to postpone my husband’s 50th birthday celebration. I don’t want to homeschool. I don’t want to workout at home anymore. Did I say I don’t want to homeschool? I might be stomping my feet right now. Look away, it’s not pretty.

If I hear ‘new normal’ one more time ….

I don’t want to watch church from home anymore. I don’t want to NOT go to a restaurant or meet for drinks with friends. Finding new recipes? I don’t want to cook! Zoom isn’t cutting it. It was fun the first time but I don’t want to view my friends the Brady Bunch way any longer!

So am I going to keep sulking? Am I going to keep complaining? Oh, trust me, my husband is praying I snap out of it, NOW!

So I woke up today at 3:30 am. Like I usually do when things are weighing heavily on my heart. Don’t you? I went straight to the computer to get on some sites my daughter has made her ‘new normal’. Education at our fingertips. How great, said sarcastically. That means I have to do extra work. I might be the last mom to ‘get on board’ and take this schooling a little more seriously. I also might be the only mom who hasn’t baked with her kid or gave her more chores. You know the looks and attitude I get when I spring on Zoe a ‘hey, guess what. I’m teaching you how to vacuum’. I don’t mind doing my own chores but if I’m honest, I’m not getting to them as I usually do because of all this at home learning. Ugh! ‘At home’ is another awful repeated phrase, right? ‘At home’ talk shows and ‘at home’ dates and ‘at home’ work for my husband. Wow, he talks a lot on the phone -eye roll. I guess that’s my ‘new normal’. Trust me, I was all on board with it at first. We sidewalk chalked hope and tried to bring some brightness to a dim situation. I was all over social media, forwarding witty memes and sharing what this family was doing to cope. I wrote letters and dropped off secret packages to friends and neighbors. It was fun. See, I like doing that stuff. I remember birthdays and have stacks of cards just waiting to be posted. But now I have to organize my day to teach Zoe. She can’t do everything on the computer. Art, nature walks, yes, even chores.

So my new mind set is, get organized. I hear the unanimous Duh, from all of you. It’s so simple. I cleared off my bulletin board of old ‘expired’ calendars and added fresh ones. I organized MY desk for Zoe’s new workspace with areas for her books and writing materials. It’s not Pinterest worthy but I know Zoe will feel better about knowing what’s going on. I read articles. Ya, I wasn’t caught up on all the great materials my very own school was providing. I know this helps with her behavior and learning experience. I just was in denial.

We celebrated Gotcha day this whole weekend. Sibling dinners and notes from friends and family. Some gifts were given to express our love. That’s my love language but I remembered Zoe’s. It’s time! I’m going to cry just writing this down. TIME! I put her to bed every night and read and pray. But last night I sang to her. I sang like I did the very first night we got her. I sing church songs and she just cuddled up and smiled. It was so cute. She told me she loves when I sing and then requested a song for tomorrow night. Guys, I know change sucks. I want my old life back. I’m just deciding not to live there anymore. It took 28 days! I have Zoe for at least 8 more years and I want to nurture our relationship. Well, this shut down has given us time. Time to reflect, time to spend wisely, time to share in whatever ways that comes naturally to you. Please share with me the good, the bad and the ugly. We are in this together.

Don’t Let Go

Last night, I had the best time reminiscing with my parents. I was going to say my ‘aging’ parents but aren’t we all aging? My parents are 88 and 85 and really don’t look it. On the phone my mother can sometimes sound older but that could just be the hearing aid acting up. They drove from Canada to see my youngest act in a church performance last night and I decided it was the perfect time to get a box of old photos out. I was having trouble recalling the names of friends and relatives (some I had never met) and seized the moment. Having them sit right next to me and recalling friends in old black and white pictures was a great memory for me. I even asked my daughter to grab her phone to snap a picture of the enjoyable moment. Mom and dad would say things like ‘Oh, they died last year’ or ‘I don’t remember that picture being taken’. There was a backstory and a side story and sometimes two stories when my mom insisted dad didn’t have it right. ‘No,no,no Ken, that wasn’t her’. At one point I looked at my dad’s expression laughing with my mom. A lifetime flashing by before him, I knew he liked that I had this mix of old photos to pass along to my children. I also thought about how sad it would be if we didn’t remember these faces. I never knew my mother’s parents. They died before I was born. Recalling good times brings joy to the soul for sure. Some friends had tragic deaths and they died young. Some friends moved far away from Scotland like my parents did and began lives in the US and Canada. Some ended up at my church growing up and I remember them. Some were related to people I didn’t even know about. That sort of discovery blows my mind at how small this world can seem at times. Relationships, community, laughter. All the ingredients for a life pouring into people and how we can be influences on one another. My parents brought me up to love the Lord God, believe in Jesus and put Him as the highest importance in my life. A legacy passed down from both of their parents and even further back than that. A treasure I wish I could go back to thank my great grandparents for but for now I will keep these pictures and put names to the faces. If I don’t know, no one will be around to remember.

I have been currently reading The Story, which is a story version of the Bible. Having read through the Bible once before it’s not something that I regularly do. The language and lineage of names that are difficult to pronounce has me lost quicker than my coffee can stay warm and I find myself drifting off to my phone and Instagram. Forgive me. My faith doesn’t lie on knowing the names of those thrown into the fiery furnace or being able to name all twelve of Jacob’s sons but if I don’t visit them often in the Bible they will be forgotten and that is just sad. From a childhood of Sunday school stories, reading ‘The Story’ Bible is triggering the main event and allowing me to process the information that maybe wasn’t kid friendly to share. The Bible is called the living word, which I believe it to continue to teach and train me for life. In a similar way, I can learn and understand life from old photos of my relatives. God was very present in those days and tragedy hit. Sometimes, smiles were absent from some for very good reason. We don’t have to know all the details or gossip from every situation to know that God is still very present. He wants to teach us to love and pass along the very real purpose of raising kids and families to live for Him. With each generation comes problems, sadness and heartache. Just by knowing one another we can make a difference for the next generation. I just don’t want to allow my generation to miss out on knowing and remembering how God was and is. You know He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

My parents have changed … a lot. My father has the biggest mustache, that my mother doesn’t care for. They both have shrunk a few inches. (I wonder when that will happen to me) but recalling old times brought a smile and a laugh to both my parent’s souls that I will cherish forever. I want to read the Bible (or story version) with eyes like that. A loving God, retelling of generations He always loved, but some followed Him and some did not. Foretelling of His beloved Son, Jesus, and having Him die for you and me. I’m asking and praying for God to continue to reveal how that changes my life now in 2019 and passed down to generations to come. My word for this year was faithfulness and God has created moments to open my eyes to His faithfulness. As Christmas approaches, may you catch glimpses of love, laughter and joy and don’t let go.

The expansion of a mother’s heart

Being a mother is great. Being a mother of an adopted daughter is so great. The difference? Nothing. I visited a 5 day old baby the other day and witnessed the awe and love in the brand new parent’s eyes. They were careful in everything they did. They didn’t want to take their eyes off their new little gift. If we had instagram when my firstborn was around, trust me there would be plenty of posts. I took Jacob everywhere. He was my little buddy because I was home all day with him. So we talked and played and you bet I had a camera in his face a lot. We have photo albums to prove it. Three years later I was ready to let another little child steal my heart. It seemed natural and this little girl was immediately accepted by big brother. So much so that he affectionately called her mashed potatoes because that was his favorite food. Blaire sharpened my parenting skills since she was a rule pusher. Since she challenged me every day we loved each other in a beautiful way. My two biological kids got along great. We had a rhythm and I selfishly didn’t want to be pregnant again. Quite frankly, I didn’t know why anyone had more than two children. I had two hands, one for each of them. With car seats, who can fit more than two kids in the back seat? I was that kid stuffed in the middle. Being baby number 5 in my family was great and I wouldn’t change it but there was an age gap and my mom had my siblings to help take care of me. I didn’t want that for my two kids. Vacations were even easy and going out to eat was manageable. There, my mind was made up. Four Clodes was perfect. I love when I can help God make choices for my life. That decision was made.

Then Scott and I found ourselves in a position of praying a new prayer. We looked ahead and thought what our life would be like in ten years. We had experienced life making our own decisions versus God being in control and we both knew that we were not asking God in this season of our lives. So we prayed a courteous prayer of ‘let me know if we need to make any changes in our life, Lord.’ That’s how I approach God sometimes. Like I’m saying I know the answer but want to let you in on this. Wow. Painful to admit. Quite honestly that prayer turned into pleading with God to show me what to do with our future and he brought to my attention adoption in three different ways in three consecutive days. It took Him that long to break me. My first response was No! I remember pounding the floor and crying because my mother heart didn’t know how to expand this late in the game. I was 39 and ready for two teenagers. My own mother was 38 when she had me. This was getting a little ridiculous. I thought I would finally share my angst with Scott. The voice of reason. He would hear my struggle and know what to do. Now, when you ask most women who have ever wanted to adopt and brought it to their husband’s attention their reaction is highly a big fat NO. Not Scott. Just like in the movie ‘It could happen to you’ he has a ‘heart of gold’. Immediately Scott said, ‘yes, let’s do it.’ I wasn’t fully convinced but soon after a series of events that took us down the road to applying to an agency and praying for direction on where our child actually was, I couldn’t stop it.

You know Zoe was born the year 2009. By the time we were deciding on what country to apply to she was born. I’m not sure if she ever saw her birth father but he had passed by the time she was in the system. Her mother made a very brave decision to let Zoe go to a family who could provide for her. That is a huge responsibility. I’m forever grateful. Adoption explodes a mother’s heart. Following God’s leading is always the best choice. My whole family would agree.

I think I may have gotten off track of where I wanted to take you on my adoption journey. This blog was birthed during that process and I wrote about all the steps as I was taking them on a different blog site. However, as we celebrate adoption month I have enjoyed sharing certain pictures of my daughter before we were able to hold her. She is remarkable and the original four Clodes, and our growing family, couldn’t imagine life without her. Don’t miss out on that nudge. God is maybe trying to get your attention to a life you have never imagined.

When I am Weak

It’s a verse I overlook if everything is going great. But on a day that I feel like a failure I take notice. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says,

But he (Jesus) said to me,’My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Who wants to boast about their weaknesses? I started this blog hesitantly over 5 years ago because I was entering a very helpless and unknown and downright scary journey. Adoption was never on my radar. I hate putting this in print but I didn’t want any more kids. That’s just the point. I. Me. My plan. That’s my weakness. Selfishness. Can you relate? As a mom, you give so much. When I gave birth to two kids when I basically wanted to, it was fine. My timing, my agenda. When you give your life to God you gain so much more and I grew up knowing it, saying it and memorizing it. Now was the time to live it.

April 12, 2013 was the day Scott, Blaire and I sat in a small, stuffy court room that looked more like a classroom. There were maybe 20 people in the room with agents and lawyers and the female judge sat at a desk at the front of the room. We weren’t called first but when our name was announced we moved to the first row in front of the judge. She wasn’t especially warm. I tried to listen and concentrate on every word she said but I have to admit my mind wandered to all the time it took to get to this very moment. I couldn’t let emotion take over. I had to focus on her words and concentrate. She was concerned about how we would continue to teach our child about her heritage. Again, feelings of weakness, or in this case, inadequacy rushed over me. We told her other families in our church and community have adopted. We jumped through so many hoops to get to this point. We didn’t know how this whole life change would play out. She said some more things and Scott spoke mostly. She congratulated us and we were officially parents of a three year old. The following two weeks played out with me staying in Ethiopia with my new daughter and staying in a very dear friend’s house with her family. I had a cold and was homesick and all the while trying to basically get my new daughter to like me. ‘My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Zoe remembers a lot. She remembers eating certain things in Ethiopia. She remembers games and we show her pictures to remember. I sure hope she doesn’t remember how scared I was. How weak and helpless I felt. I hope she didn’t sense the uncertainty I felt bringing her home to our family and friends.

I recently read a great quote by Jess Connolly in her book called Dance Stand Run. ‘Abundance is on the opposite side of obedience’. Read that again. Now who doesn’t want abundance? In following the call to adopt my amazing daughter Zoe we received abundantly. My biological kids will say the same thing. My family will attest to knowing Zoe is seeing God in action. Is she perfect? No, not at all. Today marks her 5th gotcha day and every year I remember a different aspect of God’s perfect story He had for us.

I’m always amazed at how God protected Zoe. You know when your mom instincts kick in? Well, I would wake up in the middle of the night scared for her. The sweating, shaking, waking up your husband, kind of scared. The whole process was put on hold. Our first court date, that came unusually quick, got postponed and we were back in the waiting game. So, seeing updates and pictures of how our daughter was progressing on the computer every month from our agent wasn’t satisfying this mama bear. I knew she was in God’s hands but I didn’t know how she was treated day to day. I would pray when she cried that the nannies would take favor over the others and really care for her. Is that wrong? That was my heart.

The weakness reared it’s ugly head again when Zoe joined our every waking hour back in Michigan. I figured I had been a mom before so I had skills. I found myself in a bit of a depression the first summer with a little girl who was so sweet but defied my every command. I coveted my free time. I coveted my morning coffee and reading time. I didn’t want to watch Mickey Mouse playhouse again and sing kid songs. Ok, I lie. I do like the kid cd’s but it was all a big adjustment for me. My daughter is inquisitive, and cheery in the morning. She likes to be in every conversation and always wants to join in family hugs. She makes us laugh and has quite honestly, given me purpose in my life again. Yes, I have weaknesses but I rejoice that I’m not struggling through my days but relying on the power of Jesus Christ. That’s the strength we have to love others. Even a child that was birthed by another wonderful human being. I have to mention that in my daughter’s birth mom’s weakness, she found strength to allow her baby to have life to the full. Thank God for adoption. Thank God for Gotcha Day and Thank God for Zoe Ayame Clode.

The World Is At My Doorstep

As far back as I can remember I have heard about missionaries. Not sure what your perception is of such people but I have always had the utmost respect for them. Whether it’s a couple as old as my parents who have been in Africa for most of their adult life or a young family who sacrifices two years to missions, I feel it’s all good. Some of my most favorite books are about brave souls who give up the American comforts to serve those who are the least of these. I remember a time in my life that I wanted to be a missionary. my first taste of travelling to another country and serve people who spoke a different language was when I was 19 and I went to Mexico. In fact, my husband asked me about 12 years ago, ‘Where do you see us in 10 years’ and I said with great conviction, ‘I see us on the mission field.’

Fast forward 12 years and we have not sold our belongings, packed up the family and moved to a remote area of Africa to ‘become missionaries’. I do believe that you don’t, in fact, have to go to the deepest areas of Africa to serve others. I have a mission field and it’s called Rochester, mi.

Last week, God gave me a beautiful picture of this mission field as I worked alongside some amazing women from Zoe’s public school. They were from India, Mexico, Italy, Brazil, Japan, South Korea to name just a few. We held the school’s 2nd annual International Festival and I was excited. I decided we would celebrate Zoe’s heritage and set up an Ethiopian booth. I focused on children of Ethiopia and like in my old high school fashion I waited until the last week to prepare. I did order a flag and many little flags and a beautiful authentic dress for Zoe to wear with plenty of time to arrive before the festival. However, how I was going to transform a 10×10 tent to look like an Ethiopian house was a bit stressful. The night before the festival I spotted a well used box of burlap in my basement and imagined that draped over the tent to make it look like a real hut and it turned out perfect. My husband helped me set up and I was ready. The daytime was split up into hour blocks for each grade to come through and ask questions and talk about your country. The kids were fascinated to see other kids who had very little be very happy in these pictures. It gave them a great perspective and I loved sharing with them. This was not my favorite part of the day though. I must say, when I walked around and learned about other countries and these wonderful people’s culture I felt like walls were down and barriers were broken. Some couldn’t speak English very well but a smile and love goes a long way. The children in Zoe’s class alone represent about 10 different countries. This is incredible to me! God has brought the world to my doorstep. Zoe loves to share that she was born in another country. Being born in Canada makes all our family aliens. Canada isn’t far from here but it’s still different. There is growth through an event like this. Kids don’t have to feel different just because they don’t speak English and have different colored skin. Sometimes when we hear that a school is culturally diverse we shy away from the unknown. Zoe tells me that at lunch time her friends bring homemade pasta, samosas and eat with chopsticks in her cafeteria. Awesome!

A proud moment for me was Zoe’s first day of school this past September. She just left her old house and school of three years and made some neighborhood friends but walking into her school she carries a confidence that much prayer and open conversation has built up in my eight year old. Some day God might call me to a different mission field. I’m always asking and want to only live in His will. I’m certain that He has shown me that my front porch light is on for a reason. People need to see Jesus’ love right here in my city as I walk Zoe to school and see moms at the gym. It’s pretty exciting to think that conversations around my kitchen island is just as important as serving someone around the world. Look up and see who is around you.

The term, ‘life on mission’ gets me out of bed in the morning. It makes sense of the mundane tasks and gets me out of the Michigan winter blues. Looking at every relationship and encounter as important as we are to Jesus is also a great perspective. Walk out your front door and encounter the world.

Bonding Hearts

Last night as I performed our bedtime rituals, Zoe got all serious on me. I think I triggered it when I made mention of how different her room looks now. We just recently took down all the pretty pink and yellow decor and replaced it with the color grey. Yes, that new color that is gaining so much hype that will hopefully sell our house. We have been planning for over a year to move. We have tried before but this time it’s for real so new paint and carpet has left us with a shell of a house that no longer says that we live here. Zoe has had to deal with a lot lately. Her brother and sister moved out within a week of our biggest event; Jacob and Rachel’s wedding, and she has been left with two 46 year olds that love to go to bed around 8 o’clock each night. She has expressed how she doesn’t want to move but we tell her of all the new and exciting things that she can do in her new house and quickly move on to another topic. This particular night was hard for me. She didn’t cry but got a worried look on her face. Zoe doesn’t cry much. She cries over pain when I do her hair or when she falls down. She doesn’t even cry when we leave her for over a week with loved ones to watch her. She worries about school work when she doesn’t score an A but this was different. On this night, this reaction pulled on my heart strings.

I have to tell you that when I first found out that we were matched with Zoe, then two years old, over a conference call with Scott and our social worker I was overjoyed. Truly I knew she was ours and couldn’t wait to lay eyes on her sweet little face. Over the course of a few weeks we agonized over how long it was taking to get a court date in Ethiopia. Then the disappointment of a postponed court date for over 14 months. This was an emotion I had never experienced before and I’m sure all mom’s and dad’s who adopt have gone through this pain. However, when we brought Zoe home it was difficult for me to bond with her. She was a good little girl but fought me on just about everything I wanted her to do. She didn’t want me to dress her or change her diaper. She didn’t want to take her medicine or brush her teeth. She didn’t want to go to bed or ever be alone so this was all very hard for me. I was trying to love her unconditionally but her defiant behavior was not making it easy. I was told early on in our decision to adopt that this was common. Another mom shared with me how it was also difficult for her to bond with her adopted daughter. I prayed every night and marveled at how quickly my older two children were accepting and loving and bonding with Zoe. Even watching Scott with her put my feelings to shame and I just kept pushing them away. Having Zoe home alone in this season of life is so good for me. She is the only one I have to look after. She has our attention but has grown to love her alone time and we give each other space. Zoe loves her school and friends so naturally thoughts of all that changing is difficult. I can only reach down through my own experience of moving when I was 12 years old and pull out stories of how I saw God get me through the scary and lonely feelings. I hated the thought of leaving my school and friends and did not welcome the uncomfortable feeling of meeting new friends. Funny that while having to walk through that experience it has made me thrive in situations where I have to meet new people. Ironically enough this move it primarily for Zoe’s sake. We are in a house that doesn’t have close neighbors around. Yes the yard screams for a tree house and even though there is a tire swing, Zoe does not like playing out there alone. We felt like a move to a neighborhood that is walking distance to her new school and with parks around where we can walk and bump into neighbors would be so good for our little social girl. It’s hard to make decisions for our kids when they don’t see the benefits yet but I know God prefers it that way. We don’t know for sure how this plan will end up but we have to cling to God and His promises. He will never forsake us. He is guiding us and that’s exactly where I have felt the most comfortable. From the time we said yes to adoption up to now selling a wonderful home we will thrive wherever He leads us.

Being comfortable is often what we strive for yet I find that when I reach that comfortable pinnacle I begin to move on. First, it begins in my mind and then Scott and I pray about it. I used to feel like I was quitting but it’s not that at all. I believe, for me, its a time that causes me to ask God, “what’s next?” Recently, studying John 5 I saw Jesus dealing with doubters. When I’m not willing to say yes to God I’m doubting His power and my unbelief hinders me from experiencing His mind blowing plan for my life.

Moving might not seem like a mind blowing experience to some. It’s just a house or neighborhood. But every move we have made in 24 years has come with careful prayer and consideration on why? That way I can explain with complete honesty to Zoe that our actions are not our own. He had a plan for her life before she was knitted in her mother’s womb. She will grow up hearing stories about how her grandparents and great grandparents prayed for God to show up in big and little decisions. That certainly helps me in knowing that I’m making the right move for my daughter. I’m making the right move for her well being and I know that decision will help me bond with my daughter because just like God says to me, ‘I have your best intentions in mind when you follow me.’ With change comes new opportunities. I can’t wait to see our reward.

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