change

The Habit of Prayer

Anyone else still experiencing quarantine brain? Still moving in slow motion? Maybe it’s different all over the world. You are told you can resurface, reenter, merge into civilization, kind of. The ‘new normal’ talk is bumming me out. I don’t know about you, but did all your good habits remain?

I mean I was on a great track when it came to Heath and Fitness. We had a great meal plan and gym/run routine going until I got sick before my trip to Florida. I flew home, mocking a few people wearing masks in the airport, only to have Zoe off school the next Thursday to finding out her return was indefinite and we had to purchase a mask ourselves! What?? I still go back to when and where and how this Covid virus took over our lives and the world and feel like I was in the Twilight Zone.

But now with having bans lifted a week at a time, how are you coping?

What is your lifeline? Or should I say who? Who do you go to when a crisis hits? Who brings comfort? Who do you rely on? Has that listening ear?

Ever since I was a little girl the answer to these questions is God. I didn’t really go through a ‘questioning of my faith’ phase. I’ve most definitely gone through a ‘I’m forgetting you because life of good’ phase a few times, but more times than not, I’ve clung to my relationship with Jesus.

I’ve written before about reading the book ‘Atomic Habits’. Well I read books like these pretty slowly. I take notes. I talk about it. Then I maybe begin two other books before getting back into it. Sound familiar? With some books on my phone, on my office shelves and in my audible app I’ve got a cornucopia of amazing titles to keep my brain working. A habit I’ve been developing my whole life is starting my day reading Gods word. I change it up and sometimes follow a devotion on the You Version App. Today’s was about prayer but compared it to a very relatable subject; food.

‘The right food fuels your body and produces better results. When repeated over time, this has a compounding effect. This effect makes the results easier to see. When we get results, we begin to hunger for whatever fuels the results.’

(Creatures of habit: prayer devotion)

I’m currently in a 7 day cleanse. Since quarantine I’ve had a roller coaster of emotions as did the whole world. Many people have shared with me about the increase of baking – developing a new skill, carry out – to support local businesses, and my personal favorite, wine consumption. (hey, did anyone keep their quarantine corks?). In such a short time I lost my muscle and gained the weight back from my amazing 60 day plans I was so diligently followed pre- quarantine. My daily habits went out the window when my routine was forced into hibernation. I’m sure you all could share a similar scenario but we could all have different triggers. For me the lack of interest in home workouts was it. Mixed in with the undesirable Michigan weather (I love my state but the never ending winter with zero personal interaction with family and friends was the tipping point for me).

Whew! Have you sighed relief yet? Do it slowly. Let go of tension and now that we have great summer weather approaching breathe in some fresh air. I did that and then began my cleanse. It’s not crazy. Smoothies, salad and adding some salmon and chicken. But that’s it. It’s been great. And going back to my habit quote, this good cleansing feeling is what fuels me to stick to healthy food. Just in time to approach my big 5-0 in four days.

I love birthdays. I truly do. Blaire’s birthday kicks off birthday week in the Clode household on the 15th. Then mine and four days later Jacobs’. I digress here but this week looks a little different. Blaire is still in Texas so we will not be together on her birthday for the first time in 22 years. Gulp. And Jacob celebrates his 25th on Father’s Day while he is anticipating to become one in three short months. What. is. happening? Another twilight zone?

No. I just lived one glorious day after another and here I am turning 50! Habits in check. Growing more in love with Jesus and writing a blog for over 9 years. So prayer is what this whole blog is about (I’ve contemplated rewriting this but stay with me)

‘The best way to increase your hunger for prayer, is simply to pray more’ – (creatures of habit devotion.)

There are so many examples of Jesus praying to His Father before a big event. Before walking on water. Before performing miracles. Before His death on the Cross. You don’t have to be a bible scholar to have heard of these amazing events. I prayed before this pandemic. I prayed a lot during the pandemic and as we see a shift and dare I say, the end of the pandemic, I’m beginning each day, each conversation, each interaction with a prayer. I heard a quote this week from a priest that has since passed and after researching all the religions of the world he summed it all up by saying ‘we are in good hands’.

My prayer is that you feel His presence. You seek His presence. You know His presence. Pray for peace and begin your good habits today.

In Denial

So, is anyone else living in denial? You can’t see my hand waving but I’m guilty as charged. I know there is a crazy virus sweeping the world. I know many things are canceled but I for one hate it. I don’t want to postpone my husband’s 50th birthday celebration. I don’t want to homeschool. I don’t want to workout at home anymore. Did I say I don’t want to homeschool? I might be stomping my feet right now. Look away, it’s not pretty.

If I hear ‘new normal’ one more time ….

I don’t want to watch church from home anymore. I don’t want to NOT go to a restaurant or meet for drinks with friends. Finding new recipes? I don’t want to cook! Zoom isn’t cutting it. It was fun the first time but I don’t want to view my friends the Brady Bunch way any longer!

So am I going to keep sulking? Am I going to keep complaining? Oh, trust me, my husband is praying I snap out of it, NOW!

So I woke up today at 3:30 am. Like I usually do when things are weighing heavily on my heart. Don’t you? I went straight to the computer to get on some sites my daughter has made her ‘new normal’. Education at our fingertips. How great, said sarcastically. That means I have to do extra work. I might be the last mom to ‘get on board’ and take this schooling a little more seriously. I also might be the only mom who hasn’t baked with her kid or gave her more chores. You know the looks and attitude I get when I spring on Zoe a ‘hey, guess what. I’m teaching you how to vacuum’. I don’t mind doing my own chores but if I’m honest, I’m not getting to them as I usually do because of all this at home learning. Ugh! ‘At home’ is another awful repeated phrase, right? ‘At home’ talk shows and ‘at home’ dates and ‘at home’ work for my husband. Wow, he talks a lot on the phone -eye roll. I guess that’s my ‘new normal’. Trust me, I was all on board with it at first. We sidewalk chalked hope and tried to bring some brightness to a dim situation. I was all over social media, forwarding witty memes and sharing what this family was doing to cope. I wrote letters and dropped off secret packages to friends and neighbors. It was fun. See, I like doing that stuff. I remember birthdays and have stacks of cards just waiting to be posted. But now I have to organize my day to teach Zoe. She can’t do everything on the computer. Art, nature walks, yes, even chores.

So my new mind set is, get organized. I hear the unanimous Duh, from all of you. It’s so simple. I cleared off my bulletin board of old ‘expired’ calendars and added fresh ones. I organized MY desk for Zoe’s new workspace with areas for her books and writing materials. It’s not Pinterest worthy but I know Zoe will feel better about knowing what’s going on. I read articles. Ya, I wasn’t caught up on all the great materials my very own school was providing. I know this helps with her behavior and learning experience. I just was in denial.

We celebrated Gotcha day this whole weekend. Sibling dinners and notes from friends and family. Some gifts were given to express our love. That’s my love language but I remembered Zoe’s. It’s time! I’m going to cry just writing this down. TIME! I put her to bed every night and read and pray. But last night I sang to her. I sang like I did the very first night we got her. I sing church songs and she just cuddled up and smiled. It was so cute. She told me she loves when I sing and then requested a song for tomorrow night. Guys, I know change sucks. I want my old life back. I’m just deciding not to live there anymore. It took 28 days! I have Zoe for at least 8 more years and I want to nurture our relationship. Well, this shut down has given us time. Time to reflect, time to spend wisely, time to share in whatever ways that comes naturally to you. Please share with me the good, the bad and the ugly. We are in this together.

A Good Cry

So have you had one yet? You know, a good cry. That moment when you let go of the tension you have held on to for far too long. That feeling of doing everything for everyone and you are growing weary. Or maybe it’s the overload on your brain. Sad or even grim information filtrating your home via your TV, phone, Alexa scroll, every social media site. Heck, even while my daughter is on an educational site, taking the place of her conventional classroom, she is reading reminder pop ups to wash her hands often. Not knowing how to feel when we wake up is another crazy feeling. So cry it out!

I mean how many times can I hear the word ‘unprecedented’. Jokes fly around about making it a drinking game. Take a shot every time you hear that word. I’m not a drinking game kind of gal but come on, aren’t most of us on the verge to doing just that! Since this COVID-19 has hit our country we have experienced the other word we have seen all too often; Canceled (I’ve chosen to go with the American spelling of this word…look it up) In my world it came at one of our busiest weekends. A beloved International Festival at my daughter’s elementary school. Then it was her last basketball game and party. I had a cancer fundraiser canceled and dinner with friends. Then it was church and a baptism and a friend’s mother’s memorial. I mean I usually have busy weekends but that was all rolled into one. One weekend! Right around the corner for most Americans is our week of Spring Break. Oh, it’s canceled. We will just postpone it all. Another yucky word we have all had thrown into our vocabulary involuntarily. And I can go on and on. Honestly as I was saddened by ‘my loss’ I was trying to empathize with a friend losing her father to health complications and the biggest complication was just to get to visit him. Many people have loved ones in a senior home and cannot visit them. My parents are elderly but I’m so thankful we literally just experienced a relaxing week in Florida with them. I’m praying that holiday didn’t compromise their health but having the borders literally closed, so just going over to say hello in Canada for a day is not even an option now.

So we get back to how we can just make it through this day. Make this brand new Monday not just bearable but cherish-able. Well, if you recall, I’m the mom who cheers when summer vacation is over! I dance my way to school as I kiss Zoe goodbye and yell out ‘freedom’. Well, I must begin my day, as I usually like to, and that is being in God’s word. The Bible reunites me with the God I have relied on throughout my whole life. Dating, marriage, motherhood, adoption, friendship. I can’t enter into any of these things without guidance, hope and love expressed through the life of Jesus. So I call that focus.

Doing good for others is the next thing that drags me out of sadness. My word for 2020 is Serve. In a time of isolation (another word for that proverbial drinking game) we need to look out for others. We all grabbed enough toilet paper for our household but you might have ‘a square to share’ (thanks Seinfeld for that hilarious visual) Who will it be for? What neighbor needs a sidewalk visit. A love drop of cookies or a friendly note saying ‘I’m here and I care’. I’m also trying to call someone a day and I’m a big letter writer so we might as well give our amazing mail carriers something worthwhile to deliver. Something I didn’t know was missing in my day was quiet time with Zoe. Again, if you know me, you know that Zoe jumps out of bed talking and it’s always too soon for me. I have asked God to work on me. Usually we have one hour to get ready for school. This is plenty of time but it hasn’t been priority to begin with the Bible and prayer. Hopefully this unexpected halt to our usual routine will establish this habit I have neglected with her.

So how will this Monday look for you? Probably very different than your daily planner would tell you. We are working out from home, some are homeschooling, some have adult children back under one roof. The crazy ones are getting a dog. Sorry. I had to throw that in. Enjoy.

I’m done crying and now smiling.

Zoe is trying to respect my time finishing this blog but calls out from the laundry room, ‘Mom, how do I turn on the dryer?’ Confused I call back ‘Why’? Zoe: Because I want to dry my clothes’. I call out the instructions and watch my very satisfied ten year old walk back out of our laundry room and get dressed for her day. Kids are resilient and since we don’t have our TV on blasting warnings and gloom all day my daughter can adjust to her new look on life. It’s temporary right? Quarantining is strange when we don’t feel sick. I understand that we need to know the facts but I want to be in charge of when I receive it. So let’s keep our phone calls and texts light and uplifting. And when we begin to focus on ourselves and our ‘losses’ we know that most likely someone else is going through something bigger and more difficult.

Isaiah 41:13 – For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Celebrations

Maybe you’re like me and you have been going through your Facebook feed of pictures, events, and celebrations you shared throughout the year 2019. I am recalling all the good things that we celebrated this year and couldn’t be more grateful.

The profile pictures that are selfies or with loved ones. Memorable vacations or your proud parent moments. Whatever you hold dear to your heart usually becomes the highlight, the shout out, the statement of the hour, day or month. I honestly can’t come up with one perfect moment this year. The top ones are usually the ones not captured on film. Many moments this year were celebrated with James and Blaire getting married. I think the moment I cherish the most is when Blaire and I laid on her bed the day before her wedding. We just had an emotional family breakfast and her bedroom furniture was being moved out of my house and into her new house. We held hands and cried. We laughed and recalled great memories. Knowing our relationship would change was difficult but I celebrated her new life as a wife.

The ten days being shown around California by Jacob and Rachel was memorable since I wanted to love the state that claimed their second and third year of being a married couple but also knowing they were moving back to Michigan later in the year. We laughed, we swam, we tasted wine and ate great food.

The moment we surrounded Scott the night before his long awaited race in Boston can’t be captured by a camera. We presented him with a binder of letters and pictures celebrating his running career and his ultimate goal achieved in Boston! So precious as we saw tears stream down his face and I could feel the relief and pain and dedication and pride all rolled into one moment.

Celebrating both my parent’s birthdays is always precious and not taken for granted. Family weddings and welcoming new babies to our growing family. Scott and Jacob launching their new company and seeing the highs and lows of being a boss, leader, mentor. Proud moments of when Zoe steps up to be kind or when we have a good hair day. They aren’t captured on film but so important to our story of 2019. I guess I haven’t thought much about the last decade since we are turning the calendar to 2020 in one day. I have a word for the new year but a word that comes to mind for the last decade is HOPE. Scott began his crazy marathon training ten years ago!! He has run 20 marathons and not slowing down. When we decided to run for a purpose it changed our lives for sure. Not long after in 2013 we got to bring Zoe home and for a few years in a row one of us has had the privilege to visit Africa and serve the people there. Raising money for clean water has been a family mantra for sure. A drive to make our actions count. Running has definitely defined us in the ’10’s for sure.

Pain hit me in the beginning of this year and getting a procedure on my foot gave me hope. It gave me a change in attitude and later in the year made me get a handle on my health and eating habits to be the best me for 2020. This is the year Scott and I turn 50. I’ve been experiencing some pain in the same foot again and trying to stay positive. I had hopes for a half and full marathon by May and I might have to settle for just one half. Stay tuned. But, if I head into 2020 focused on just me, it will be a sad year. God has shown me through Scripture and well, obvious signs around our house, my word for 2020 is SERVE. I’m expecting I will be able to serve in areas that won’t be captured on film and hopefully go unnoticed. A friend posted this quote talking about Scott’s company. ‘To serve is beautiful, but only if it’s done with joy and a whole heart and a free mind.’ (Pearl S. Buck).

Celebrate the hurts, the struggles, the victories, the milestones and just every breath.

1 Samuel 12:24 says, ‘Fear God and serve Him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things He has done for you.’

Happy New Year!

Precious Moments

Remember those cute little plump figurines that were popular to collect? You remember Precious Moments. I had a bride and groom one, a bridesmaid one, and a first baby figurine. If you are unfamiliar with this fad or under the age of 25 then go google it and come back.

Well, this precious moment was experienced two nights ago when Zoe got her book out for me to read a chapter before bed. A regular occurrence that sometimes after a busy day a mom wants to rush or omit. Until you remember they aren’t going to be nine forever. The book of the week is Clementine. A classic, funny, read aloud and as I began reading where we left off the night before, Blaire popped into the room. She curled up on Zoe’s bed and they both snuggled in for a bedtime story. Sometimes our kids pull out the old Green Eggs and Ham or a Fairy Tale to be read and it feels like the 100th time. I was always a fan of when they graduated to chapter books. Something entertaining for both of us, you could say. This was a classic I remember from when Blaire and Jacob were little. I do love to read out loud to kids. One by one they are growing up and getting married and I feel like it’s deja vu. This is not a complaint one bit. Today I’m full of nostalgia. Full of reminiscing and enjoying it. I don’t hate that Blaire isn’t going to live here anymore. I will miss it but she’s ready to fly off the branch. Away from mamas nest. She is confident and secure and yet reliant on Jesus in a way that makes any mother proud. She isn’t leaving us and can still join in on a story-time or two. So yes, I choked back a few tears this night. I tried to read without cracking my voice. I want her to know I’m good with the new change.

It’s Zoe, that’s more difficult to understand. She doesn’t cry much or show much emotion and although she’s excited to be a bridesmaid in one day she still tacks on, ‘I hate that I’m missing field day though’. Yes, Friday, May 31 has been deemed Blaire and James’s wedding day for a year now but field day is important to my third grader too. Maybe when she’s older she will grasp the love she has experienced by her sister. Blaire, at the age of 8, wrote in a journal, ‘I wish I had a younger sister’. Her wish came true through a series of miracles and now Blaire gets to have her sister join her sister in law and the best friends a girl could ask for, to stand up and support her on her long awaited wedding day.

This mom is a big fan. I don’t think I needed to write this blog to convince myself. No, I will allow myself to feel all the feels. (advice from my sister in law.) I don’t want to be a blubbering mess but when someone texts me ‘I’m praying for you’ I get choked up. When we listen to a special chosen wedding song I get choked up. And when I picture my husband walking his baby girl down the aisle… well, I’m a bit of a mess right now. I’ve heard it said that you can’t prepare yourself for these kinds of moments. Someone also asked me if it’s different this time with Blaire as it was for Jacob. No, it’s the same. You love your kids so much and train them up to be strong and God fearing adults. You pray that they surround themselves with good people and then you let go. That’s where faith comes in. They have always been in God’s hands but under our roof. I think the biggest gift we can give our children is our blessing.

I was reading in an old journal I wrote on Blaire’s second birthday, nearly 19 years ago;

‘Today Blaire is 2! My little one is 2! I can’t believe it. She’s not a terrible two although she’s very independent and stubborn. She is starting to play with Jacob and she loves the attention. I thank God for her. I want us to be friends.’

This has been a precious journey. Can’t wait to read chapter 2.

Real words by Zoe: dated this morning… “I don’t have any tears unless you’re doing my hair”

Broken Together

He looked at me with a sincere loving look. A look I remembered from a time when we were dating. ‘Babe, I want to grow old, rocking in our chairs, next to you.’

Son of a gun, this guy always makes me cry. Not in the bad way, either. Celebrating 27 years married to Scott this May, just weeks before our daughter’s day of nuptials, and I still manage to ruin a good 5 day trip away or a simple date night. ‘We need to communicate better’ is my plight. Why do we women let things fester and build up in our minds? We have had arguments before but this one hurt him. I hated the look in his eyes. I didn’t set out to hurt. I wanted answers. I wanted him to admit I was right.

Yes, I’m going through a lot of emotions these days. I thought I could predict when I’m going to act out irrationally but no! I can’t see it coming before I begin to hurt the loved ones around me. First, it’s a snap at my 9 year old for not understanding her fractions homework, then it’s an unkind ‘teaching moment’ for my 20 year old on what goes in the dishwasher and what does not. Then it hits Scott. He’s been doing the dishes all wrong these days. I proclaim that it has been for 27 years but I like it when we have company and I get to sit with my guests and the kitchen gets cleaned. That’s just him. So I have to ask what’s my inconsistent problem? Hormones? Won’t go there. Some foot pain? Too easy. Stress? Ha! If you knew me, it’s not that. Change? Possibly. I actually don’t know the right answer. Even during an impromptu counseling session with good friends over for a home cooked steak dinner (cheaper than paying for the counseling, let me tell you.), I felt like I couldn’t quite express myself properly. It was nice to have someone else hear how we talk to each other, for a change. I’m saying a lot of words but they don’t make sense. I’m not unhappy with my marriage. I’m not going anywhere. I sometimes feel like my role in the home becomes under appreciated. That’s still not really it, though.

Funny enough our church is going through a marriage series. I didn’t think I was going to be blown away with how-to’s. The steps to take away were things we do on a regular basis. However, what hit me this past Sunday was the song they ended the service with. Also funny since I admitted in two blogs ago that I don’t love worship music in church. But this song wasn’t new. It was by a popular christian band called Casting Crowns and the song came out in 2014. I’ve never heard it before or is it that I am actually hearing it now for the first time?

The lyrics begin explaining a painful relationship. This isn’t Scott and I. But the chorus hit me.

‘Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete

Could we just be broken together

The only way we will last forever

Is to be broken together‘

I didn’t marry a perfect man. He will vouch for me and tell you I’m not perfect either. I hate when we go through times of being petty and when I stumble to put the argument into words. However, we always come back to saying we were meant for each other and we grow stronger.

I’m not sure this is anything more than trying to fix every little thing that I allow to annoy me. Here’s some free counseling advice; Don’t make a list or keep score with your spouse. I’m so glad my Heavenly Father didn’t give up on me because I was broken.

I just realized this is Valentines week! Cherish the relationships you have now and right wrongs and be humble. We are all broken people so let’s be broken together.

‘What gives our life meaning is how we are loved.’ That cheesy line is brought to you by every Hallmark movie.

‘People who are loved the way we are are loved should have lives marked by extreme thanksgiving and laughter because of the mercy and generosity of our King.’ – Because He Loves Me by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick.

Goals

It’s January. The month of new beginnings. The month of diets. The month of renewal. The month of resolutions. I know it can also be a month of sadness, depression and loneliness.

Today I feel old. Kind of in a good way. As I strive to live a good Christian life the older I get I realize I suck. Ha! How’s that for a topic for my first blog of 2019! Still reading? Ok. I feel old because my body is breaking down. When I’m running and training for a race I feel invincible. Unless, of course, injury occurs and for me, that is happening more frequently. I talked a bit about my latest foot issue on social media. I found out I have suffered from Morton’s neuroma in my left foot for about a year. It grew worse and soon caused me to limp and stay away from the gym since my Berlin marathon back in October. I found a clinic all the way in Boston who treats this issue without surgery and I went for it. Got a large needle stuck between my toes and froze the nerve to deaden it. Lovely stuff. After 8 weeks it did relieve the nerve pain but not 100%. I’m going again for a second round and feeling optimistic I will be completely healed but haven’t felt that way the whole recovery time. In fact, two Saturdays ago, I had a major meltdown where my husband found me in a heap on my bedroom closet floor surrounded by discarded clothes and cute shoes I no longer can wear. It was necessary. It was warranted. It was healing, to say the least. For 15 days I’ve rebooted my diet and feel great. All this is physical renewal.

The real reason I feel old today is that I woke myself up and felt an immediate nudge. No. I felt an urgency. No. I felt like I had a beautiful appointment I could not miss. When I wake up an hour before my nine year old routinely wakes up at 7:30, I get to sit and dwell and commune with my Heavenly Father. Not something my 30 year old self would feel like. My meetings and conversing with God isn’t new for me. The desire has deepened and to that I owe to maturity. I love that aging means I’m still learning. With age I still screw up but I’m less hard on myself. I get to learn more about who God is and that relationship is number one.

My word for 2018 was LOVE. I got to see myself view a lot of my interactions with that word at the forefront of my thoughts. 2019 brings a new word for me. FAITHFUL. I want to reflect on how God has been faithful in my life. I also want to be a faithful servant. I want to be faithful in reading God’s word and books about growing in my faith. I guess it takes some people a lifetime to figure God out. I say don’t stop until you find Him.

My nine year just woke up. She walked straight to the drawer in the kitchen to get a pot out to make her own oatmeal. She also went straight to our new amazon echo show to ask Alexa to start her day with songs by Lauren Daigle. The song You Say came on.

‘The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me

In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing

You say I am strong when I think I am weak

You say I am held when I am falling short

When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours

And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)

What You say of me (I)

I believe

With that I can find joy in what my day brings me. Dig deep and find time to be still. Maybe you will hear a word, for renewal, strength, or just plain survival.

Seasons of Life

I may have titled a blog this before but I’m in a new season so the content is different.

I’m in a season of discovery.

One of my strengths from a personality test I took a while back is discipline. I like this one. I am disciplined in my fitness regime. I’m usually disciplined with chocolate (close friends are laughing right now). I’m disciplined in my faith and always reading a book that sheds new light on God and my life. I’ve discovered I can’t possibly be disciplined in all areas of my life at the same time.

I’ve been through a running discipline (or fitness) before but this one doesn’t just fade for me. No this one comes to a halt with a trainer who moves away or I get an injury. I take a hiatus and fall off the wagon hard.

I get into a good nutrition season. I learn about how a new food has come into fashion (hello cauliflower) and that what my mother fed me is pure poison (goodbye white bread). I find new recipes, replace all my sugars (yes I have Tupperware labeled erythritol) yet I’ve been known to slip back into my old ways and go old school cooking on my family with no warning, from time to time. (Aww ham and potato casserole)

Faith – this has truly never wavered but my devotion level has gone through a season or two. If you have a baby? Oh young mother, you try. You probably are clinging to your faith and calling out short ‘rescue me’ prayers to get through the day. That’s right where God wants you. Then when you have a few years under your belt you figure you can’t screw this kid up too much so you let go a little. You realize you can take some time out for yourself so you can squeeze out some time to getting back to bible basics and seek a new word or idea for rejuvenation. Be it a thought from a flip calendar or getting through a 20 min podcast in 5 days. You go, girl.

So this brings me to my new season. I’ve been injured for 5 months. The gym is out of the question. Walking is out too. I still get up early in the morning. It’s winter and new recipes aren’t appealing. I’m in a spiritual rejuvenation period. It’s awesome. When my kids were young I would try to read a book about the Christmas story the whole month of December. This is, of course, Christ’s season, for goodness sake. Yet, I can count the years I actually remembered to read or get close to God during the season dedicated to Him! I could shame myself but He doesn’t shame me. I’ve read too many great books lately to mention. It’s been my thing to give away my favorite book of the year to my extended family but this year will be a mixture of four. Learning, journal writing, sharing with friends. I love this season. Although my exercise regime is out the window and well, I began to bake again. You can text me your ‘healthy’ baking recipes but I won’t like them. I won’t share about weight. The positive people out there will say it’s all in how you feel in your clothes is what counts. Well, let’s just say this year I’m asking Santa for a new wardrobe.

This definitely should not be a stressful season. So here are some tips from this ‘seasoned’ mom.

Use amazon! I love shopping but come dec 1st, crazies enter my stores and clog my parking lots and completely forget how to drive. Avoid! Shop online
Bake up a storm! It’s comfort and you will need comfort and joy this month. My comfort level was filled to the brim when I went to a friend’s house yesterday. We ate soup and BREAD, salad with yummy DRESSING and homemade cookies. What a delight!
Take time out for you! If that’s a 10 minute bath then fill that tub up, place kids in front of the TV on the other side of the door and close your eyes. If you’re so inclined, worship. It’s my favorite place to worship, just sayin’.

I know when I feel healthy again I will be running in the morning. I will have to be creative and carve time out for God later in the day. That is a priority. Eating the best I know how is also a priority and with a vacation on the horizon I have a motivator to wear those new clothes Santa is bringing me. (and you thought I was asking for a size up.) Also, accountability. This goes a long way. I have my daughter, my husband and some friends in my life who inspire me, push me and teach me. Ask me to be there for you if you need it.

I hope this Christmas season doesn’t get away from you. The best thing I was reminded of this morning is that it’s not from my own strength.

I will end with a quote from the book Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick.

‘Leaving nothing to our abilities, Jesus himself initiates our faith, and he’ll oversee it to its perfect completion. We’re to rely totally on him, the “one on whom (our) faith depends from beginning to end.” ‘

Merry Christmas!

Photo: taken two blocks away from my house. Christmas reminders all around me.

The expansion of a mother’s heart

Being a mother is great. Being a mother of an adopted daughter is so great. The difference? Nothing. I visited a 5 day old baby the other day and witnessed the awe and love in the brand new parent’s eyes. They were careful in everything they did. They didn’t want to take their eyes off their new little gift. If we had instagram when my firstborn was around, trust me there would be plenty of posts. I took Jacob everywhere. He was my little buddy because I was home all day with him. So we talked and played and you bet I had a camera in his face a lot. We have photo albums to prove it. Three years later I was ready to let another little child steal my heart. It seemed natural and this little girl was immediately accepted by big brother. So much so that he affectionately called her mashed potatoes because that was his favorite food. Blaire sharpened my parenting skills since she was a rule pusher. Since she challenged me every day we loved each other in a beautiful way. My two biological kids got along great. We had a rhythm and I selfishly didn’t want to be pregnant again. Quite frankly, I didn’t know why anyone had more than two children. I had two hands, one for each of them. With car seats, who can fit more than two kids in the back seat? I was that kid stuffed in the middle. Being baby number 5 in my family was great and I wouldn’t change it but there was an age gap and my mom had my siblings to help take care of me. I didn’t want that for my two kids. Vacations were even easy and going out to eat was manageable. There, my mind was made up. Four Clodes was perfect. I love when I can help God make choices for my life. That decision was made.

Then Scott and I found ourselves in a position of praying a new prayer. We looked ahead and thought what our life would be like in ten years. We had experienced life making our own decisions versus God being in control and we both knew that we were not asking God in this season of our lives. So we prayed a courteous prayer of ‘let me know if we need to make any changes in our life, Lord.’ That’s how I approach God sometimes. Like I’m saying I know the answer but want to let you in on this. Wow. Painful to admit. Quite honestly that prayer turned into pleading with God to show me what to do with our future and he brought to my attention adoption in three different ways in three consecutive days. It took Him that long to break me. My first response was No! I remember pounding the floor and crying because my mother heart didn’t know how to expand this late in the game. I was 39 and ready for two teenagers. My own mother was 38 when she had me. This was getting a little ridiculous. I thought I would finally share my angst with Scott. The voice of reason. He would hear my struggle and know what to do. Now, when you ask most women who have ever wanted to adopt and brought it to their husband’s attention their reaction is highly a big fat NO. Not Scott. Just like in the movie ‘It could happen to you’ he has a ‘heart of gold’. Immediately Scott said, ‘yes, let’s do it.’ I wasn’t fully convinced but soon after a series of events that took us down the road to applying to an agency and praying for direction on where our child actually was, I couldn’t stop it.

You know Zoe was born the year 2009. By the time we were deciding on what country to apply to she was born. I’m not sure if she ever saw her birth father but he had passed by the time she was in the system. Her mother made a very brave decision to let Zoe go to a family who could provide for her. That is a huge responsibility. I’m forever grateful. Adoption explodes a mother’s heart. Following God’s leading is always the best choice. My whole family would agree.

I think I may have gotten off track of where I wanted to take you on my adoption journey. This blog was birthed during that process and I wrote about all the steps as I was taking them on a different blog site. However, as we celebrate adoption month I have enjoyed sharing certain pictures of my daughter before we were able to hold her. She is remarkable and the original four Clodes, and our growing family, couldn’t imagine life without her. Don’t miss out on that nudge. God is maybe trying to get your attention to a life you have never imagined.

Bonding Hearts

Last night as I performed our bedtime rituals, Zoe got all serious on me. I think I triggered it when I made mention of how different her room looks now. We just recently took down all the pretty pink and yellow decor and replaced it with the color grey. Yes, that new color that is gaining so much hype that will hopefully sell our house. We have been planning for over a year to move. We have tried before but this time it’s for real so new paint and carpet has left us with a shell of a house that no longer says that we live here. Zoe has had to deal with a lot lately. Her brother and sister moved out within a week of our biggest event; Jacob and Rachel’s wedding, and she has been left with two 46 year olds that love to go to bed around 8 o’clock each night. She has expressed how she doesn’t want to move but we tell her of all the new and exciting things that she can do in her new house and quickly move on to another topic. This particular night was hard for me. She didn’t cry but got a worried look on her face. Zoe doesn’t cry much. She cries over pain when I do her hair or when she falls down. She doesn’t even cry when we leave her for over a week with loved ones to watch her. She worries about school work when she doesn’t score an A but this was different. On this night, this reaction pulled on my heart strings.

I have to tell you that when I first found out that we were matched with Zoe, then two years old, over a conference call with Scott and our social worker I was overjoyed. Truly I knew she was ours and couldn’t wait to lay eyes on her sweet little face. Over the course of a few weeks we agonized over how long it was taking to get a court date in Ethiopia. Then the disappointment of a postponed court date for over 14 months. This was an emotion I had never experienced before and I’m sure all mom’s and dad’s who adopt have gone through this pain. However, when we brought Zoe home it was difficult for me to bond with her. She was a good little girl but fought me on just about everything I wanted her to do. She didn’t want me to dress her or change her diaper. She didn’t want to take her medicine or brush her teeth. She didn’t want to go to bed or ever be alone so this was all very hard for me. I was trying to love her unconditionally but her defiant behavior was not making it easy. I was told early on in our decision to adopt that this was common. Another mom shared with me how it was also difficult for her to bond with her adopted daughter. I prayed every night and marveled at how quickly my older two children were accepting and loving and bonding with Zoe. Even watching Scott with her put my feelings to shame and I just kept pushing them away. Having Zoe home alone in this season of life is so good for me. She is the only one I have to look after. She has our attention but has grown to love her alone time and we give each other space. Zoe loves her school and friends so naturally thoughts of all that changing is difficult. I can only reach down through my own experience of moving when I was 12 years old and pull out stories of how I saw God get me through the scary and lonely feelings. I hated the thought of leaving my school and friends and did not welcome the uncomfortable feeling of meeting new friends. Funny that while having to walk through that experience it has made me thrive in situations where I have to meet new people. Ironically enough this move it primarily for Zoe’s sake. We are in a house that doesn’t have close neighbors around. Yes the yard screams for a tree house and even though there is a tire swing, Zoe does not like playing out there alone. We felt like a move to a neighborhood that is walking distance to her new school and with parks around where we can walk and bump into neighbors would be so good for our little social girl. It’s hard to make decisions for our kids when they don’t see the benefits yet but I know God prefers it that way. We don’t know for sure how this plan will end up but we have to cling to God and His promises. He will never forsake us. He is guiding us and that’s exactly where I have felt the most comfortable. From the time we said yes to adoption up to now selling a wonderful home we will thrive wherever He leads us.

Being comfortable is often what we strive for yet I find that when I reach that comfortable pinnacle I begin to move on. First, it begins in my mind and then Scott and I pray about it. I used to feel like I was quitting but it’s not that at all. I believe, for me, its a time that causes me to ask God, “what’s next?” Recently, studying John 5 I saw Jesus dealing with doubters. When I’m not willing to say yes to God I’m doubting His power and my unbelief hinders me from experiencing His mind blowing plan for my life.

Moving might not seem like a mind blowing experience to some. It’s just a house or neighborhood. But every move we have made in 24 years has come with careful prayer and consideration on why? That way I can explain with complete honesty to Zoe that our actions are not our own. He had a plan for her life before she was knitted in her mother’s womb. She will grow up hearing stories about how her grandparents and great grandparents prayed for God to show up in big and little decisions. That certainly helps me in knowing that I’m making the right move for my daughter. I’m making the right move for her well being and I know that decision will help me bond with my daughter because just like God says to me, ‘I have your best intentions in mind when you follow me.’ With change comes new opportunities. I can’t wait to see our reward.

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