child rearing

In Denial

So, is anyone else living in denial? You can’t see my hand waving but I’m guilty as charged. I know there is a crazy virus sweeping the world. I know many things are canceled but I for one hate it. I don’t want to postpone my husband’s 50th birthday celebration. I don’t want to homeschool. I don’t want to workout at home anymore. Did I say I don’t want to homeschool? I might be stomping my feet right now. Look away, it’s not pretty. 

If I hear ‘new normal’ one more time ….

I don’t want to watch church from home anymore. I don’t want to NOT go to a restaurant or meet for drinks with friends. Finding new recipes? I don’t want to cook! Zoom isn’t cutting it. It was fun the first time but I don’t want to view my friends the Brady Bunch way any longer! 

So am I going to keep sulking? Am I going to keep complaining? Oh, trust me, my husband is praying I snap out of it, NOW! 

So I woke up today at 3:30 am. Like I usually do when things are weighing heavily on my heart. Don’t you? I went straight to the computer to get on some sites my daughter has made her ‘new normal’. Education at our fingertips. How great, said sarcastically.  That means I have to do extra work. I might be the last mom to ‘get on board’ and take this schooling a little more seriously. I also might be the only mom who hasn’t baked with her kid or gave her more chores. You know the looks and attitude I get when I spring on Zoe a ‘hey, guess what. I’m teaching you how to vacuum’. I don’t mind doing my own chores but if I’m honest, I’m not getting to them as I usually do because of all this at home learning. Ugh! ‘At home’ is another awful repeated phrase, right? ‘At home’ talk shows and ‘at home’ dates and ‘at home’ work for my husband. Wow, he talks a lot on the phone -eye roll. I guess that’s my ‘new normal’. Trust me, I was all on board with it at first. We sidewalk chalked hope and tried to bring some brightness to a dim situation. I was all over social media, forwarding witty memes and sharing what this family was doing to cope. I wrote letters and dropped off secret packages to friends and neighbors. It was fun. See, I like doing that stuff. I remember birthdays and have stacks of cards just waiting to be posted. But now I have to organize my day to teach Zoe. She can’t do everything on the computer. Art, nature walks, yes, even chores. 

So my new mind set is, get organized. I hear the unanimous Duh, from all of you.  It’s so simple. I cleared off my bulletin board of old ‘expired’ calendars and added fresh ones. I organized MY desk for Zoe’s new workspace with areas for her books and writing materials. It’s not Pinterest worthy but I know Zoe will feel better about knowing what’s going on. I read articles.  Ya, I wasn’t caught up on all the great materials my very own school was providing.  I know this helps with her behavior and learning experience. I just was in denial. 

We celebrated Gotcha day this whole weekend. Sibling dinners and notes from friends and family.  Some gifts were given to express our love. That’s my love language but I remembered Zoe’s. It’s time! I’m going to cry just writing this down. TIME! I put her to bed every night and read and pray. But last night I sang to her. I sang like I did the very first night we got her. I sing church songs and she just cuddled up and smiled. It was so cute. She told me she loves when I sing and then requested a song for tomorrow night. Guys, I know change sucks. I want my old life back. I’m just deciding not to live there anymore. It took 28 days! I have Zoe for at least 8 more years and I want to nurture our relationship. Well, this shut down has given us time.  Time to reflect, time to spend wisely, time to share in whatever ways that comes naturally to you.  Please share with me the good, the bad and the ugly. We are in this together. 

Learning Contentment From a 10 year old

The email came out three minutes after the promised 4:00 pm time. One mom had already texted me their daughter’s class selection and I hadn’t received Zoe’s yet. Not anxious at all as I waited and refreshed my inbox on the computer. I didn’t want to manipulate the process.  I kept my wishes between me and God and trusted He’s got Zoe’s best interest in mind.  

It’s deja vu when it comes to waiting on what teacher my kids are going to get.  Even though it seems like a lifetime ago that Jacob and Blaire were in this same situation, I recall relying on God’s decisions.  We decided two years ago to take Zoe out of a private Christian school to be an example and light in a new neighborhood and public school.  Back when I had a four year old and one year old and just moved to the USA, I wasn’t so sure about public school for my kids.  Jacob was reading at the time and so eager to learn.  I didn’t want to send him to school and get caught up in the ‘wasted’ time spent on getting 25 kids to sit and listen.  Now of course, I’ve changed my view of what God wanted for our children.  We did homeschool, and did the Christian school thing but after a few years I’m so glad we asked God where He wanted them and that was public school.  We didn’t intend to shelter our kids.  In the informative years, I do believe every child is different, but we developed the love of learning, controlled social media influence and grew as a family while I homeschooled for 5 years.   An option arose to transition them to a small Christian school one year at a time and they flourished.  Once we heard the call to public school we were scared.  We cried and trusted and knew our kids were up to the task of standing out and being confident in what they believed.  It wasn’t always easy and more tears were shed but they grew and it shaped and molded them to who they are today.  Thank God.  

Once we thought about adopting another child, I thought that meant homeschooling again and possibly go through the exact process.  It worked once, why not again?  Zoe is a different child.  She was inquisitive and learned English so quickly.  She became confident and assured of who she was so in no time at all ,  preschool made sense.  She has always loved being around other kids and thrives off it.  She’s not easily influenced but she learns from others.  I also needed a break, so that was what we did.  

I’ve been praying all summer for the right class for Zoe to be in. But once I found out, I began my negative thinking process as I always do. Facebook has a school page and once I logged on I began to scan all the kids NOT in Zoe’s class. I wondered why and in doing so I was really questioning God. I do believe God has Zoe’s best interest at heart. She is friendly and liked by most kids and has created special bonds with girls from her last two classes in her new school. Her appointed teacher wasn’t her first pick although a great selection. She was positive and said, ‘I’m sure I will like him’. How can I mess with that attitude? I kept my thoughts and comments to myself but still beat myself up over how I truly felt.  

Praying for God’s guidance doesn’t mean I’m only happy if the outcome is how I planned it. I should recall that our move to Michigan wasn’t what I actually planned for but God has created so many amazing opportunities for our family here. Yeah God. 

Adopting Zoe wasn’t in my plan but once we surrendered I can’t even imagine what our lives would be like without her. Thank you Lord. With each parenting decision we have made for our kids like school changes and neighborhood moves and church moves, I don’t want my life to play out the way I imagined it. My mind is limited and shallow and God is great and powerful and imaginative, so therefore, I need to be content in all circumstances. (Philippians 4:11) In the same chapter and verse 6 and 7 it says, (My paraphrase) don’t be anxious about anything but bring all your ‘asks’ to God and the peace of God will come over you.  I can have peace that I laid this school issue at the feet of Jesus no matter what the outcome is.

Yesterday, I was reminded by a friend that the testimony of our lives is the example of our lives as we go through a series of tests.  We are tested every day.  Choices are before us.  Do we choose what’s quick and easy or do we go for the struggle and the ‘leaning on Jesus’ choices?  In my experience, the latter has the best outcomes.  

Dannah Gresh says Unless we slow down in praise and humility, we forget the One who is really producing fruit and calling the shots.  

So, as I prepare my daughter for fourth grade in public school I want to be full up on prayer, have open conversations with her and as they allow, I want to be active in my school and daughter’s class.  I love getting to know her friends and be apart of all the fun activities as the year goes on.  Whatever stage your kids are in, never give up on bringing your asks to God.  So when you do, don’t be gripped by fear but filled with freedom that He’s got them.

I’m joining in my second year of a Moms In Prayer group that I’m so happy to say our school has.  What a blessing to meet other prayerful moms in our district and neighborhood.  Look one up for your school if you feel called to be apart of one.  www.momsinprayer.org

Precious Moments

Remember those cute little plump figurines that were popular to collect? You remember Precious Moments.  I had a bride and groom one, a bridesmaid one, and a first baby figurine. If you are unfamiliar with this fad or under the age of 25 then go google it and come back.

Well, this precious moment was experienced two nights ago when Zoe got her book out for me to read a chapter before bed. A regular occurrence that sometimes after a busy day a mom wants to rush or omit. Until you remember they aren’t going to be nine forever.  The book of the week is Clementine. A classic, funny, read aloud and as I began reading where we left off the night before, Blaire popped into the room. She curled up on Zoe’s bed and they both snuggled in for a bedtime story. Sometimes our kids pull out the old Green Eggs and Ham or a Fairy Tale to be read and it feels like the 100th time. I was always a fan of when they graduated to chapter books. Something entertaining for both of us, you could say. This was a classic I remember from when Blaire and Jacob were little. I do love to read out loud to kids. One by one they are growing up and getting married and I feel like it’s deja vu. This is not a complaint one bit. Today I’m full of nostalgia. Full of reminiscing and enjoying it. I don’t hate that Blaire isn’t going to live here anymore. I will miss it but she’s ready to fly off the branch. Away from mamas nest. She is confident and secure and yet reliant on Jesus in a way that makes any mother proud. She isn’t leaving us and can still join in on a story-time or two. So yes, I choked back a few tears this night. I tried to read without cracking my voice. I want her to know I’m good with the new change. 

It’s Zoe, that’s more difficult to understand. She doesn’t cry much or show much emotion and although she’s excited to be a bridesmaid in one day she still tacks on, ‘I hate that I’m missing field day though’. Yes, Friday, May 31 has been deemed Blaire and James’s wedding day for a year now but field day is important to my third grader too. Maybe when she’s older she will grasp the love she has experienced by her sister. Blaire, at the age of 8, wrote in a journal, ‘I wish I had a younger sister’. Her wish came true through a series of miracles and now Blaire gets to have her sister join her sister in law and the best friends a girl could ask for, to stand up and support her on her long awaited wedding day. 

This mom is a big fan. I don’t think I needed to write this blog to convince myself. No, I will allow myself to feel all the feels. (advice from my sister in law.) I don’t want to be a blubbering mess but when someone texts me ‘I’m praying for you’ I get choked up. When we listen to a special chosen wedding song I get choked up. And when I picture my husband walking his baby girl down the aisle… well, I’m a bit of a mess right now. I’ve heard it said that you can’t prepare yourself for these kinds of moments. Someone also asked me if it’s different this time with Blaire as it was for Jacob. No, it’s the same. You love your kids so much and train them up to be strong and God fearing adults. You pray that they surround themselves with good people and then you let go. That’s where faith comes in. They have always been in God’s hands but under our roof. I think the biggest gift we can give our children is our blessing. 

I was reading in an old journal I wrote on Blaire’s second birthday, nearly 19 years ago; 

‘Today Blaire is 2!   My little one is 2! I can’t believe it.  She’s not a terrible two although she’s very independent and stubborn.  She is starting to play with Jacob and she loves the attention.  I thank God for her.  I want us to be friends.’

This has been a precious journey. Can’t wait to read chapter 2. 

Real words by Zoe: dated this morning…  “I don’t have any tears unless you’re doing my hair”

Christmas Thoughts

Christmas isn’t just a day, am I right? It’s a season. The other day a young guy at the meat counter asked me if it felt like Christmas to me because he had not heard many Christmas songs on the radio this year. I thought maybe he was referring to the Spring like weather we are experiencing here in Michigan. Rainy and cloudy. No snow this Christmas. Does it feel like Christmas because you are up to your ears in wrapping paper or you find yourself yelling, ‘Don’t get it’, when the UPS man is delivering packages daily? Lots of friends have been posting their spot that makes them happy. Their Christmas tree in the quiet of the night when everyone is in bed. The quiet is a good place to be to reflect, ponder, wish. Is this Christmas? 

I have enjoyed my 25 day Countdown this year. Not to be confused with my 12 day countdown of funny quips my 9 year old daughter has said this year.  Zoe says funny things almost every day. I write them down and have been sharing them for the past three Christmases. No, that’s not my favorite countdown. Ever since I was newly married I have surrounded myself with devotions to dig into over the month of December. Honestly, I’m not very successful.  Yes, its the craziest month of the year if you have little kids who have an elementary school event to attend twice a week or a teenager that needs a ride to a party or band practice or you have a party to bring a gift to. Did you sign up for room mom again and have to organize your kid’s Christmas party? IMG_3545.jpegYou get the picture. I remember a book called Redeeming the Season which helps you do little meaningful tasks to remind yourself of why December 25 is so special. Have you had those moments? Hopefully when you sit in peace around your tree you aren’t too stressed to think of the crazy day you just had but instead you choose to be thankful for what you have. Hopefully when you sit in peace you are filled with love and feel useful. Hopefully you have that one moment of peace. 

I’ve had that intentional moment of peace and thankfulness every morning around 6 am. Sometimes earlier. I came across a Christmas advent calendar I brought home from my visit to Hillsong Church while visiting my cousin in Sydney three years ago. I packed it away and didn’t use it until this year. Each morning I scratch off a circle that includes a Bible passage, a thought and an action for the day. The best thing about this is after I scratch off the circle I take a picture of it and text it to my cousin who is 16 hours ahead in the day because she wanted to share in the awe of Christmas too. 

I have loved this moment and only (honestly) have missed one day and had to rush that reading just to get it in. 

Someone complimented me the other day. He observed me hosting a dinner party for Zoe and 7 friends on Friday night to kick off their two week Christmas break. We had crafts, games and food planned and they were all hyped up on sugar. I’ve been through hosting this kind of thing before like, 7 years ago for Blaire and her friends. I have help and he asked me why I do it. He knows I’m also hosting a few family gatherings in the next five days that include sleepover guests. I said I have experience to say no to the less important things. I also have help from Blaire and Scott and I’m better at pacing myself. But now I know the answer. It isn’t because I’m an experienced mom and manage my time well. No, it’s all because I’ve started my day handing it over to Jesus. That should always be my answer because it’s true.

Some of the suggested actions this month have been;

Share an encouraging word with someone 

Meditate on Gods calling on your life 

Listen to someone’s dream today

Tell someone some good news today 

Pray to know Jesus and his grace and truth more 

Serve 

How can we get through our long ‘to do’ list and complete these tasks? These are the things that count the most! That’s how. Everyday that I make God a priority is a good day.

So what if all your gifts are in bags because wrapping takes too long. Good for you. 

So your baking came from a cookie walk. Awesome!

Ask your kids if they care if you don’t have Christmas crackers this year. They don’t. 

So try not to run around today. Take it easy. Delegate and pray. Be still. It was a majestic  and peaceful night when Jesus was born. Enjoy!

Merry Christmas!

Seasons of Life

I may have titled a blog this before but I’m in a new season so the content is different. 

I’m in a season of discovery. 

One of my strengths from a personality test I took a while back is discipline. I like this one. I am disciplined in my fitness regime. I’m usually disciplined with chocolate (close friends are laughing right now). I’m disciplined in my faith and always reading a book that sheds new light on God and my life. I’ve discovered I can’t possibly be disciplined in all areas of my life at the same time. 

I’ve been through a running discipline (or fitness)  before but this one doesn’t just fade for me. No this one comes to a halt with a trainer who moves away or I get an injury. I take a hiatus and fall off the wagon hard. 

I get into a good nutrition season. I learn about how a new food has come into fashion (hello cauliflower) and that what my mother fed me is pure poison (goodbye white bread).  I find new recipes, replace all my sugars (yes I have Tupperware labeled erythritol) yet I’ve been known to slip back into my old ways and go old school cooking on my family with no warning,  from time to time.  (Aww ham and potato casserole) 

Faith – this has truly never wavered but my devotion level has gone through a season or two. If you have a baby? Oh young mother, you try. You probably are clinging to your faith and calling out short ‘rescue me’ prayers to get through the day. That’s right where God wants you. Then when you have a few years under your belt you figure you can’t screw this kid up too much so you let go a little. You realize you can take some time out for yourself so you can squeeze out some time to getting back to bible basics and seek a new word or idea for rejuvenation. Be it a thought from a flip calendar or getting through a 20 min podcast in 5 days. You go, girl. 

So this brings me to my new season. I’ve been injured for 5 months. The gym is out of the question. Walking is out too. I still get up early in the morning. It’s winter and new recipes aren’t appealing. I’m in a spiritual rejuvenation period. It’s awesome. When my kids were young I would try to read a book about the Christmas story the whole month of December. This is, of course, Christ’s season, for goodness sake. Yet, I can count the years I actually remembered to read or get close to God during the season dedicated to Him! I could shame myself but He doesn’t shame me. I’ve read too many great books lately to mention. It’s been my thing to give away my favorite book of the year to my extended family but this year will be a mixture of four. Learning, journal writing, sharing with friends. I love this season. Although my exercise regime is out the window and well, I began to bake again. You can text me your ‘healthy’ baking recipes but I won’t like them. I won’t share about weight. The positive people out there will say it’s all in how you feel in your clothes is what counts. Well, let’s just say this year I’m asking Santa for a new wardrobe. 

This definitely should not be a stressful season. So here are some tips from this ‘seasoned’ mom. 

  1. Use amazon! I love shopping but come dec 1st, crazies enter my stores and clog my parking lots and completely forget how to drive. Avoid! Shop online 
  2. Bake up a storm! It’s comfort and you will need comfort and joy this month. My comfort level was filled to the brim when I went to a friend’s house yesterday. We ate soup and BREAD, salad with yummy DRESSING and homemade cookies. What a delight! 
  3. Take time out for you! If that’s a 10 minute bath then fill that tub up, place kids in front of the TV on the other side of the door and close your eyes. If you’re so inclined, worship. It’s my favorite place to worship, just sayin’. 

I know when I feel healthy again I will be running in the morning. I will have to be creative and carve time out for God later in the day. That is a priority. Eating the best I know how is also a priority and with a vacation on the horizon I have a motivator to wear those new clothes Santa is bringing me. (and you thought I was asking for a size up.)  Also, accountability. This goes a long way. I have my daughter, my husband and some friends in my life who inspire me, push me and teach me. Ask me to be there for you if you need it.  

I hope this Christmas season doesn’t get away from you. The best thing I was reminded of this morning is that it’s not from my own strength. 

I will end with a quote from the book Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick. 

‘Leaving nothing to our abilities, Jesus himself initiates our faith, and he’ll oversee it to its perfect completion. We’re to rely totally on him, the “one on whom (our) faith depends from beginning to end.” ‘

Merry Christmas!

Photo: taken two blocks away from my house.  Christmas reminders all around me.

The expansion of a mother’s heart

Being a mother is great. Being a mother of an adopted daughter is so great. The difference? Nothing. I visited a 5 day old baby the other day and witnessed the awe and love in the brand new parent’s eyes. They were careful in everything they did. They didn’t want to take their eyes off their new little gift. If we had instagram when my firstborn was around, trust me there would be plenty of posts. I took Jacob everywhere. He was my little buddy because I was home all day with him. So we talked and played and you bet I had a camera in his face a lot. We have photo albums to prove it. Three years later I was ready to let another little child steal my heart. It seemed natural and this little girl was immediately accepted by big brother. So much so that he affectionately called her mashed potatoes because that was his favorite food. Blaire sharpened my parenting skills since she was a rule pusher. Since she challenged me every day we loved each other in a beautiful way. My two biological kids got along great. We had a rhythm and I selfishly didn’t want to be pregnant again. Quite frankly, I didn’t know why anyone had more than two children.  I had two hands, one for each of them. With car seats, who can fit more than two kids in the back seat? I was that kid stuffed in the middle. Being baby number 5 in my family was great and I wouldn’t change it but there was an age gap and my mom had my siblings to help take care of me. I didn’t want that for my two kids. Vacations were even easy and going out to eat was manageable. There, my mind was made up. Four Clodes was perfect. I love when I can help God make choices for my life. That decision was made. 

Then Scott and I found ourselves in a position of praying a new prayer. We looked ahead and thought what our life would be like in ten years. We had experienced life making our own decisions versus God being in control and we both knew that we were not asking God in this season of our lives. So we prayed a courteous prayer of ‘let me know if we need to make any changes in our life, Lord.’ That’s how I approach God sometimes. Like I’m saying I know the answer but want to let you in on this. Wow. Painful to admit. Quite honestly that prayer turned into pleading with God to show me what to do with our future and he brought to my attention adoption in three different ways in three consecutive days. It took Him that long to break me. My first response was No! I remember pounding the floor and crying because my mother heart didn’t know how to expand this late in the game. I was 39 and ready for two teenagers. My own mother was 38 when she had me. This was getting a little ridiculous. I thought I would finally share my angst with Scott. The voice of reason. He would hear my struggle and know what to do. Now, when you ask most women who have ever wanted to adopt and brought it to their husband’s attention their reaction is highly a big fat NO. Not Scott. Just like in the movie ‘It could happen to you’ he has a ‘heart of gold’. Immediately Scott said, ‘yes, let’s do it.’ I wasn’t fully convinced but soon after a series of events that took us down the road to applying to an agency and praying for direction on where our child actually was, I couldn’t stop it. 

You know Zoe was born the year 2009. By the time we were deciding on what country to apply to she was born. I’m not sure if she ever saw her birth father but he had passed by the time she was in the system. Her mother made a very brave decision to let Zoe go to a family who could provide for her. That is a huge responsibility. I’m forever grateful. Adoption explodes a mother’s heart. Following God’s leading is always the best choice. My whole family would agree. 

IMG_3172.jpegI think I may have gotten off track of where I wanted to take you on my adoption journey. This blog was birthed during that process and I wrote about all the steps as I was taking them on a different blog site. However, as we celebrate adoption month I have enjoyed sharing certain pictures of my daughter before we were able to hold her. She is remarkable and the original four Clodes, and our growing family, couldn’t imagine life without her. Don’t miss out on that nudge.  God is maybe trying to get your attention to a life you have never imagined.

Look and Live

Today is a perfect morning. I slept in until about 6:30 am. It’s Zoe’s last day of second grade and it’s Blaire’s 20th birthday! No more teens in the house (for a while anyway!) This week in June is always full of emotion in our household. I’m embarking on another birthday in two days and I’m still embracing them. One more year older but another year closer to God. My perfect morning also includes Scott napping on the couch after his morning run. Blaire is up and journaling and I’m sitting in my morning reading chair with my morning devotion and my new favorite book Look and Live. With the back screen door open I can hear the birds chirping and feel a wonderful cool summer breeze. Blue skies and sunny. Just like it was the day Blaire was born.

As I sit back and reflect on the day of her birth I also fast forward to where I had hoped she would be today. Blaire and I didn’t always see eye to eye when she was growing up, but that was her finding her independence. Sometimes, us moms try to get in the way of this and push back when we are afraid of where they might be headed. It’s easy for a mom to second guess her every move and decision when her kids are growing up. When do I let go? When do I step in? When do I tell her she’s wrong? When do I sit back and watch? I remember squeezing Blaire’s hand so tight while crossing a busy street because my little Miss Independent wanted to run everywhere. Blaire has stepped out, spoken out and stood out most of her life. She has exceded way more than our expectations.   Scott and I look in awe and thank God we could be apart of it. I hear parents worry about their kid’s futures all the time.  What will happen when they go to high school?  What will happen if we move?  How will they handle college?  We don’t know.  That’s the beauty of it.  Going through life’s milestones can be exhausting and I don’t just want to ‘go through’ life.  I want to take it in.  I want to enjoy it and I most definitely want to see God’s glory in everything.  I can’t say enough about the book I’m reading called, ‘Look and Live’. It excites me to move from mundane and lift my eyes.  Today I read, ‘ Father, your plans are better than my expectations.’  That’s my message to my kids.

When I think about my childhood it involves a lot of family. But I have been out of my parents house for 26 years now.  Blaire has been engaged for 26 days and I’m counting down the days I have with her and cherish it all. Days heading to the gym, after work movies, early morning runs and lunch dates. Blaire is beautiful inside and out and now I get to help plan a big day she has dreamed about her whole life.

So summer break officially begins today.  Birthdays, vacations, interacting with new and old friends. I don’t just want to entertain my kids or myself this summer. I want to encounter Jesus. Purposeful moments. Look and live.

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When I am Weak

It’s a verse I overlook if everything is going great.  But on a day that I feel like a failure I take notice.  2 Corinthians 12:9 says,

But he (Jesus) said to me,’My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  

Who wants to boast about their weaknesses?  I started this blog hesitantly over 5 years ago because I was entering a very helpless and unknown and downright scary journey.  Adoption was never on my radar.  I hate putting this in print but I didn’t want any more kids.  That’s just the point.  I.  Me. My plan.  That’s my weakness.  Selfishness.  Can you relate?  As a mom, you give so much.  When I gave birth to two kids when I basically wanted to, it was fine.  My timing, my agenda.  When you give your life to God you gain so much more and I grew up knowing it, saying it and memorizing it.  Now was the time to live it.

April 12, 2013 was the day Scott, Blaire and I sat in a small, stuffy court room that looked more like a classroom.  There were maybe 20 people in the room with agents and lawyers and the female judge sat at a desk at the front of the room.  We weren’t called first but when our name was announced we moved to the first row in front of the judge.  She wasn’t especially warm.  I tried to listen and concentrate on every word she said but I have to admit my mind wandered to all the time it took to get to this very moment.  I couldn’t let emotion take over.  I had to focus on her words and concentrate. She was concerned about how we would continue to teach our child about her heritage.  Again, feelings of weakness, or in this case, inadequacy rushed over me.    We told her other families in our church and community have adopted.  We jumped through so many hoops to get to this point.  We didn’t know how this whole life change would play out.  She said some more things and Scott spoke mostly.  She congratulated us and we were officially parents of a three year old.  The following two weeks played out with me staying in Ethiopia with my new daughter and staying in a very dear friend’s house with her family.  I had a cold and was homesick and all the while trying to basically get my new daughter to like me.  ‘My grace is sufficient for you.  My power is made perfect in weakness.’  Zoe remembers a lot.  She remembers eating certain things in Ethiopia.  She remembers games and we show her pictures to remember.  I sure hope she doesn’t remember how scared I was.  How weak and helpless I felt.  I hope she didn’t sense the uncertainty I felt bringing her home to our family and friends.

I recently read a great quote by Jess Connolly in her book called Dance Stand Run. ‘Abundance is on the opposite side of obedience’. Read that again.  Now who doesn’t want abundance?  In following the call to adopt my amazing daughter Zoe we received abundantly.  My biological kids will say the same thing.  My family will attest to knowing Zoe is seeing God in action.  Is she perfect?  No, not at all.  Today marks her 5th gotcha day and every year I remember a different aspect of God’s perfect story He had for us.

I’m always amazed at how God protected Zoe.  You know when your mom instincts kick in? Well, I would wake up in the middle of the night scared for her.  The sweating, shaking, waking up your husband, kind of scared.  The whole process was put on hold.  Our first court date, that came unusually quick, got postponed and we were back in the waiting game.  So, seeing updates and pictures of how our daughter was progressing on the computer every month from our agent wasn’t satisfying this mama bear.  I knew she was in God’s hands but I didn’t know how she was treated day to day.  I would pray when she cried that the nannies would take favor over the others and really care for her.  Is that wrong?  That was my heart.

The weakness reared it’s ugly head again when Zoe joined our every waking hour back in Michigan.    I figured I had been a mom before so I had skills.  I found myself in a bit of a depression the first summer with a little girl who was so sweet but defied my every command.  I coveted my free time.  I coveted my morning coffee and reading time.  I didn’t want to watch Mickey Mouse playhouse again and sing kid songs.  Ok, I lie.  I do like the kid cd’s but it was all a big adjustment for me.  My daughter is inquisitive, and cheery in the morning.  She likes to be in every conversation and always wants to join in family hugs.  She makes us laugh and has quite honestly, given me purpose in my life again.  Yes, I have weaknesses but I rejoice that I’m not struggling through my days but relying on the power of Jesus Christ.  That’s the strength we have to love others.  Even a child that was birthed by another wonderful human being.  I have to mention that in my daughter’s birth mom’s weakness, she found strength to allow her baby to have life to the full.  Thank God for adoption.  Thank God for Gotcha Day and Thank God for Zoe Ayame Clode.

 

Love won’t let me down

It’s a special thing when your kids grow up, move out and come back and hang out with you. My son has been married for 18 months and he and his wife live across the country.  We just had a week like that.  Having all my kids around the dinner table is a very fun moment. I find myself go quiet. I don’t talk much because I’m taking it all in and getting emotional. ‘Thank you Lord’, I whisper.
My blogs have taken me from the here and now to reflection. I like my age. I like being 47. In fact, just today I had to go to a local running store and claim my recent 5k third place age division prize. I owned it when I had to the tell the 20 something clerk that I was in the 45-49 age bracket.
It’s a snowy day today and the house is quiet. The internet is not working so no music, no tv, no computer. I’m sitting in my morning reading chair and decide to reach for the newly placed photo albums (still unpacking boxes after 6 months in the new house) and decide on opening my firstborn’s baby album. The one that poses my husband and I as kids having a kid. We were 25 and we knew nothing.
As I flipped through the pages I became painfully aware that I had no clue how my child would turn out. I didn’t know if my high school education would suffice to teach my son what he needed to know for a successful future. Who defines success? Wealth? Getting Married? A University degree? A parent wants what’s best for their kids but what determines the best?
I keep turning the pages and I’m laughing at my sick scrapbooking skills and at all the smiles. People who God surrounded us with in the early years. Wonderful godly grandparents and aunts and uncles. Cousins to play with and later confide in. Hand me downs, vacations, family pets and the many houses me lived in. But again something was very apparent in every picture. Love! Not just an obvious love a parent has for a child. That love scared me. I didn’t know I could love that much. I’m reminded of the Bible words, We love because He first loved us. Oh ya! The same love was bestowed on me since I was born. A love from God that since I was His creation he loved me unconditionally.
I’m at Jacob being 11 months old in the scrapbook now.   We went on a mission trip to Trinidad for two weeks with friends and he was fantastic. I wasn’t lucky to have a great kid. I was given books and God lead me to godly women who shared with me how I wanted to raise my kids.
I learned that giving my kids everything they needed was not showing them love.
I learned that putting Scott and our marriage first was better for my kids and therefore, showed more love when they witnessed us going out on dates and taking vacations without them.
I learned that sleep is so crucial for their well being, and mine, so we had boundaries and naps times and quiet times.
I learned (and have seen the huge benefits) of reading to my children.
I learned quickly that even though i didn’t know everything, I called the shots and didn’t let my kids walk all over me. I’m the parent. (They will thank you later)
I’m also amazed at how God gave Scott and I the strength to adopt at the age of 42. We weren’t lucky that we got a sweet, teachable girl that loves life. We did what we knew what we knew how to do.
We set boundaries and surrounded her with godly families who poured into her. Did you know that when you adopt your agent will tell you to stay home and allow your child to adapt to their new surroundings?  Don’t go on vacations right away and let them get used to who is in their immediate family.
Well our regular life is to have people over all the time. Needless to say we didn’t heed this advice.  Zoe got welcomed home to a crowd of people ready to hold her and love her and we had a different set of relatives come to visit every weekend! I know all kids are not the same but I think we sometimes make it all too difficult. Let others watch your kid. They won’t get sick if you expose them to the world right away. We did life with our kids and so glad Zoe is up to that lifestyle.
Love is definitely my word for 2018. Moving has brought new people into my life and it’s a challenge to find time for all of them.   I guess i just keep hearing God say, ‘Just love who is in front of you for that moment.’ Sometimes I make love too stressful. Jesus was surrounded by crowds and he loved the masses, yes! But He took the time to look into peoples eyes who needed Him most in the moment. If I’m honest with myself, I whisper all day long, ‘Who is it now, Lord?’

 

‘Love Won’t Let Me Down’ is a great song by Hillsong Young and Free