motherhood

In Denial

So, is anyone else living in denial? You can’t see my hand waving but I’m guilty as charged. I know there is a crazy virus sweeping the world. I know many things are canceled but I for one hate it. I don’t want to postpone my husband’s 50th birthday celebration. I don’t want to homeschool. I don’t want to workout at home anymore. Did I say I don’t want to homeschool? I might be stomping my feet right now. Look away, it’s not pretty.

If I hear ‘new normal’ one more time ….

I don’t want to watch church from home anymore. I don’t want to NOT go to a restaurant or meet for drinks with friends. Finding new recipes? I don’t want to cook! Zoom isn’t cutting it. It was fun the first time but I don’t want to view my friends the Brady Bunch way any longer!

So am I going to keep sulking? Am I going to keep complaining? Oh, trust me, my husband is praying I snap out of it, NOW!

So I woke up today at 3:30 am. Like I usually do when things are weighing heavily on my heart. Don’t you? I went straight to the computer to get on some sites my daughter has made her ‘new normal’. Education at our fingertips. How great, said sarcastically. That means I have to do extra work. I might be the last mom to ‘get on board’ and take this schooling a little more seriously. I also might be the only mom who hasn’t baked with her kid or gave her more chores. You know the looks and attitude I get when I spring on Zoe a ‘hey, guess what. I’m teaching you how to vacuum’. I don’t mind doing my own chores but if I’m honest, I’m not getting to them as I usually do because of all this at home learning. Ugh! ‘At home’ is another awful repeated phrase, right? ‘At home’ talk shows and ‘at home’ dates and ‘at home’ work for my husband. Wow, he talks a lot on the phone -eye roll. I guess that’s my ‘new normal’. Trust me, I was all on board with it at first. We sidewalk chalked hope and tried to bring some brightness to a dim situation. I was all over social media, forwarding witty memes and sharing what this family was doing to cope. I wrote letters and dropped off secret packages to friends and neighbors. It was fun. See, I like doing that stuff. I remember birthdays and have stacks of cards just waiting to be posted. But now I have to organize my day to teach Zoe. She can’t do everything on the computer. Art, nature walks, yes, even chores.

So my new mind set is, get organized. I hear the unanimous Duh, from all of you. It’s so simple. I cleared off my bulletin board of old ‘expired’ calendars and added fresh ones. I organized MY desk for Zoe’s new workspace with areas for her books and writing materials. It’s not Pinterest worthy but I know Zoe will feel better about knowing what’s going on. I read articles. Ya, I wasn’t caught up on all the great materials my very own school was providing. I know this helps with her behavior and learning experience. I just was in denial.

We celebrated Gotcha day this whole weekend. Sibling dinners and notes from friends and family. Some gifts were given to express our love. That’s my love language but I remembered Zoe’s. It’s time! I’m going to cry just writing this down. TIME! I put her to bed every night and read and pray. But last night I sang to her. I sang like I did the very first night we got her. I sing church songs and she just cuddled up and smiled. It was so cute. She told me she loves when I sing and then requested a song for tomorrow night. Guys, I know change sucks. I want my old life back. I’m just deciding not to live there anymore. It took 28 days! I have Zoe for at least 8 more years and I want to nurture our relationship. Well, this shut down has given us time. Time to reflect, time to spend wisely, time to share in whatever ways that comes naturally to you. Please share with me the good, the bad and the ugly. We are in this together.

Don’t Let Go

Last night, I had the best time reminiscing with my parents. I was going to say my ‘aging’ parents but aren’t we all aging? My parents are 88 and 85 and really don’t look it. On the phone my mother can sometimes sound older but that could just be the hearing aid acting up. They drove from Canada to see my youngest act in a church performance last night and I decided it was the perfect time to get a box of old photos out. I was having trouble recalling the names of friends and relatives (some I had never met) and seized the moment. Having them sit right next to me and recalling friends in old black and white pictures was a great memory for me. I even asked my daughter to grab her phone to snap a picture of the enjoyable moment. Mom and dad would say things like ‘Oh, they died last year’ or ‘I don’t remember that picture being taken’. There was a backstory and a side story and sometimes two stories when my mom insisted dad didn’t have it right. ‘No,no,no Ken, that wasn’t her’. At one point I looked at my dad’s expression laughing with my mom. A lifetime flashing by before him, I knew he liked that I had this mix of old photos to pass along to my children. I also thought about how sad it would be if we didn’t remember these faces. I never knew my mother’s parents. They died before I was born. Recalling good times brings joy to the soul for sure. Some friends had tragic deaths and they died young. Some friends moved far away from Scotland like my parents did and began lives in the US and Canada. Some ended up at my church growing up and I remember them. Some were related to people I didn’t even know about. That sort of discovery blows my mind at how small this world can seem at times. Relationships, community, laughter. All the ingredients for a life pouring into people and how we can be influences on one another. My parents brought me up to love the Lord God, believe in Jesus and put Him as the highest importance in my life. A legacy passed down from both of their parents and even further back than that. A treasure I wish I could go back to thank my great grandparents for but for now I will keep these pictures and put names to the faces. If I don’t know, no one will be around to remember.

I have been currently reading The Story, which is a story version of the Bible. Having read through the Bible once before it’s not something that I regularly do. The language and lineage of names that are difficult to pronounce has me lost quicker than my coffee can stay warm and I find myself drifting off to my phone and Instagram. Forgive me. My faith doesn’t lie on knowing the names of those thrown into the fiery furnace or being able to name all twelve of Jacob’s sons but if I don’t visit them often in the Bible they will be forgotten and that is just sad. From a childhood of Sunday school stories, reading ‘The Story’ Bible is triggering the main event and allowing me to process the information that maybe wasn’t kid friendly to share. The Bible is called the living word, which I believe it to continue to teach and train me for life. In a similar way, I can learn and understand life from old photos of my relatives. God was very present in those days and tragedy hit. Sometimes, smiles were absent from some for very good reason. We don’t have to know all the details or gossip from every situation to know that God is still very present. He wants to teach us to love and pass along the very real purpose of raising kids and families to live for Him. With each generation comes problems, sadness and heartache. Just by knowing one another we can make a difference for the next generation. I just don’t want to allow my generation to miss out on knowing and remembering how God was and is. You know He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

My parents have changed … a lot. My father has the biggest mustache, that my mother doesn’t care for. They both have shrunk a few inches. (I wonder when that will happen to me) but recalling old times brought a smile and a laugh to both my parent’s souls that I will cherish forever. I want to read the Bible (or story version) with eyes like that. A loving God, retelling of generations He always loved, but some followed Him and some did not. Foretelling of His beloved Son, Jesus, and having Him die for you and me. I’m asking and praying for God to continue to reveal how that changes my life now in 2019 and passed down to generations to come. My word for this year was faithfulness and God has created moments to open my eyes to His faithfulness. As Christmas approaches, may you catch glimpses of love, laughter and joy and don’t let go.

Learning Contentment From a 10 year old

The email came out three minutes after the promised 4:00 pm time. One mom had already texted me their daughter’s class selection and I hadn’t received Zoe’s yet. Not anxious at all as I waited and refreshed my inbox on the computer. I didn’t want to manipulate the process. I kept my wishes between me and God and trusted He’s got Zoe’s best interest in mind.

It’s deja vu when it comes to waiting on what teacher my kids are going to get. Even though it seems like a lifetime ago that Jacob and Blaire were in this same situation, I recall relying on God’s decisions. We decided two years ago to take Zoe out of a private Christian school to be an example and light in a new neighborhood and public school. Back when I had a four year old and one year old and just moved to the USA, I wasn’t so sure about public school for my kids. Jacob was reading at the time and so eager to learn. I didn’t want to send him to school and get caught up in the ‘wasted’ time spent on getting 25 kids to sit and listen. Now of course, I’ve changed my view of what God wanted for our children. We did homeschool, and did the Christian school thing but after a few years I’m so glad we asked God where He wanted them and that was public school. We didn’t intend to shelter our kids. In the informative years, I do believe every child is different, but we developed the love of learning, controlled social media influence and grew as a family while I homeschooled for 5 years. An option arose to transition them to a small Christian school one year at a time and they flourished. Once we heard the call to public school we were scared. We cried and trusted and knew our kids were up to the task of standing out and being confident in what they believed. It wasn’t always easy and more tears were shed but they grew and it shaped and molded them to who they are today. Thank God.

Once we thought about adopting another child, I thought that meant homeschooling again and possibly go through the exact process. It worked once, why not again? Zoe is a different child. She was inquisitive and learned English so quickly. She became confident and assured of who she was so in no time at all , preschool made sense. She has always loved being around other kids and thrives off it. She’s not easily influenced but she learns from others. I also needed a break, so that was what we did.

I’ve been praying all summer for the right class for Zoe to be in. But once I found out, I began my negative thinking process as I always do. Facebook has a school page and once I logged on I began to scan all the kids NOT in Zoe’s class. I wondered why and in doing so I was really questioning God. I do believe God has Zoe’s best interest at heart. She is friendly and liked by most kids and has created special bonds with girls from her last two classes in her new school. Her appointed teacher wasn’t her first pick although a great selection. She was positive and said, ‘I’m sure I will like him’. How can I mess with that attitude? I kept my thoughts and comments to myself but still beat myself up over how I truly felt.

Praying for God’s guidance doesn’t mean I’m only happy if the outcome is how I planned it. I should recall that our move to Michigan wasn’t what I actually planned for but God has created so many amazing opportunities for our family here. Yeah God.

Adopting Zoe wasn’t in my plan but once we surrendered I can’t even imagine what our lives would be like without her. Thank you Lord. With each parenting decision we have made for our kids like school changes and neighborhood moves and church moves, I don’t want my life to play out the way I imagined it. My mind is limited and shallow and God is great and powerful and imaginative, so therefore, I need to be content in all circumstances. (Philippians 4:11) In the same chapter and verse 6 and 7 it says, (My paraphrase) don’t be anxious about anything but bring all your ‘asks’ to God and the peace of God will come over you. I can have peace that I laid this school issue at the feet of Jesus no matter what the outcome is.

Yesterday, I was reminded by a friend that the testimony of our lives is the example of our lives as we go through a series of tests. We are tested every day. Choices are before us. Do we choose what’s quick and easy or do we go for the struggle and the ‘leaning on Jesus’ choices? In my experience, the latter has the best outcomes.

Dannah Gresh says Unless we slow down in praise and humility, we forget the One who is really producing fruit and calling the shots.

So, as I prepare my daughter for fourth grade in public school I want to be full up on prayer, have open conversations with her and as they allow, I want to be active in my school and daughter’s class. I love getting to know her friends and be apart of all the fun activities as the year goes on. Whatever stage your kids are in, never give up on bringing your asks to God. So when you do, don’t be gripped by fear but filled with freedom that He’s got them.

I’m joining in my second year of a Moms In Prayer group that I’m so happy to say our school has. What a blessing to meet other prayerful moms in our district and neighborhood. Look one up for your school if you feel called to be apart of one. www.momsinprayer.org

Precious Moments

Remember those cute little plump figurines that were popular to collect? You remember Precious Moments. I had a bride and groom one, a bridesmaid one, and a first baby figurine. If you are unfamiliar with this fad or under the age of 25 then go google it and come back.

Well, this precious moment was experienced two nights ago when Zoe got her book out for me to read a chapter before bed. A regular occurrence that sometimes after a busy day a mom wants to rush or omit. Until you remember they aren’t going to be nine forever. The book of the week is Clementine. A classic, funny, read aloud and as I began reading where we left off the night before, Blaire popped into the room. She curled up on Zoe’s bed and they both snuggled in for a bedtime story. Sometimes our kids pull out the old Green Eggs and Ham or a Fairy Tale to be read and it feels like the 100th time. I was always a fan of when they graduated to chapter books. Something entertaining for both of us, you could say. This was a classic I remember from when Blaire and Jacob were little. I do love to read out loud to kids. One by one they are growing up and getting married and I feel like it’s deja vu. This is not a complaint one bit. Today I’m full of nostalgia. Full of reminiscing and enjoying it. I don’t hate that Blaire isn’t going to live here anymore. I will miss it but she’s ready to fly off the branch. Away from mamas nest. She is confident and secure and yet reliant on Jesus in a way that makes any mother proud. She isn’t leaving us and can still join in on a story-time or two. So yes, I choked back a few tears this night. I tried to read without cracking my voice. I want her to know I’m good with the new change.

It’s Zoe, that’s more difficult to understand. She doesn’t cry much or show much emotion and although she’s excited to be a bridesmaid in one day she still tacks on, ‘I hate that I’m missing field day though’. Yes, Friday, May 31 has been deemed Blaire and James’s wedding day for a year now but field day is important to my third grader too. Maybe when she’s older she will grasp the love she has experienced by her sister. Blaire, at the age of 8, wrote in a journal, ‘I wish I had a younger sister’. Her wish came true through a series of miracles and now Blaire gets to have her sister join her sister in law and the best friends a girl could ask for, to stand up and support her on her long awaited wedding day.

This mom is a big fan. I don’t think I needed to write this blog to convince myself. No, I will allow myself to feel all the feels. (advice from my sister in law.) I don’t want to be a blubbering mess but when someone texts me ‘I’m praying for you’ I get choked up. When we listen to a special chosen wedding song I get choked up. And when I picture my husband walking his baby girl down the aisle… well, I’m a bit of a mess right now. I’ve heard it said that you can’t prepare yourself for these kinds of moments. Someone also asked me if it’s different this time with Blaire as it was for Jacob. No, it’s the same. You love your kids so much and train them up to be strong and God fearing adults. You pray that they surround themselves with good people and then you let go. That’s where faith comes in. They have always been in God’s hands but under our roof. I think the biggest gift we can give our children is our blessing.

I was reading in an old journal I wrote on Blaire’s second birthday, nearly 19 years ago;

‘Today Blaire is 2! My little one is 2! I can’t believe it. She’s not a terrible two although she’s very independent and stubborn. She is starting to play with Jacob and she loves the attention. I thank God for her. I want us to be friends.’

This has been a precious journey. Can’t wait to read chapter 2.

Real words by Zoe: dated this morning… “I don’t have any tears unless you’re doing my hair”

Thank God it’s May

I have been complaining about the Spring we have been experiencing here in Michigan. The good I see today is that I’ve noticed that we can see the sunrise from our bed. We sleep with the windows open so the crisp air and soundtrack of chirping birds have coupled up to wake me in time to catch a glimpse of the beautiful colors painted in the sky. This morning I can see a pale yellow with a strip of tangerine, pale blue and then an unusual violet color to top off the beauty. We just might have a sunshiney May day. Rainy, damp days have been the norm of late and even though I try not to allow the weather to dictate my mood, spring in Michigan does that for me. Winter is a given. Lucky if the snow and cold waits until November to rear its ugly head but the snow and cold comes and I’m ready for it. Lately though, we don’t get very nice Aprils. Hence the option of heading south for Spring Break.

Tomorrow is my anniversary and I remember a week like this back in ‘92. Cool temperatures and praying for sun on the 9th. We did get a beautiful blue sky day for our nuptials. I love May. We said ‘I do’ on Scott’s 22nd birthday followed by Mother’s Day. Lots of reasons to have cake in May. Now we count down the days until my daughter, Blaire, says ‘I do’ on the last day of May. This event might also be the reason for the high emotion in the Clode household. Wedding prep is everywhere. Running out the door for appointments and last minute wrap up sessions are also apart of the next 23 days. I’m happy for Blaire but sad she’s leaving. Without warning, a couple of her friends just packed up her things in her room. Her room has become one of the cleanest in the house the last two years. Clean white walls with gold accents with a made bed everyday and an organized, tidy closet. Who is this girl? I haven’t cleaned her bathroom for years. Her and her brother have had that chore to share since they were 14. My mom reminded me of how I used to love cleaning the bathrooms and always had a clean room when I was younger and still under her roof. Lessons and habits passed down the generations. I just keep hearing ‘well done’ and yet I can still have a crappy day and get snappy that there are too many shoes in the mud room or that my dining room table becomes a work station. Sometimes I ask for a quiet morning but am reminded that this house will be all too quiet when my daughter’s friends don’t meet here for bible study every Thursday night or when we don’t have 10 cars filling our back lot because all of Blaire’s friends are back home from college. I’ve enjoyed the flower arrangements we have all over the main floor since that has become a new hobby of Blaires’.

I upset her yesterday. She read some advice marriage paper I was filling out for her and got offended. I wrote, and I quote, ‘you do a lot but maybe don’t realize you will be responsible to fill the toilet rolls etc. ‘ . She walked in the door and I mentioned that maybe some of her writing had etched into our table when she responded with, ‘ is there anything else wrong that I do?’.

I was confused but we talked and she thought I meant that she never refills the toilet roll. Nope. Not what I said. She will be shocked at filling everything in her new house. Having to buy the toilet rolls and paper towels and everything that runs out. That is her weakness. A sign of being an adult is buying regular supplies and not just the ice cream. True story. And you might even start to buy the cheaper versions to save money. I hope. We all do.

It’s never easy seeing your kids move on and I’ve expressed my feelings in many different ways over the course of this year long engagement. Excitement and love is mixed with sadness, I’m not going to lie. That’s life. My mother did an amazing job of letting me go. Raising me and teaching me to be launched into the world as an independent woman is what my mother did well. The letting go part is key. Sigh. Eye roll…. and bathed in lots of prayer. Now I get to do it. To my knees I go….

Lord, you have given me the greatest gift of raising three amazing children. Your guidance and faithfulness, my mothers training, many other mother’s support, lots of books and trust have got me to this moment in life. Launching number 2 is difficult but you love Blaire and James so much and I know they are in your hands. You comfort me when it’s difficult and when the tears fall but this is the natural flow of life. I’m letting go of any worries or anxious thoughts. You painted the sky for me today and I’m thankful I got to reflect on where my life has taken me. You are an awesome God. Amen.

Happy birthday to my stallion.

Happy 27th anniversary to the man of my dreams

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there and to my very own Mom, whom I treasure every year God grants me with her.

Many of my nieces and nephews birthdays are also celebrated in May.

Happy wedding day to my precious Blaire Elizabeth. Can’t wait to have dinner in your home and I will be in awe of your very clean refrigerator. Xox

Seasons of Life

I may have titled a blog this before but I’m in a new season so the content is different.

I’m in a season of discovery.

One of my strengths from a personality test I took a while back is discipline. I like this one. I am disciplined in my fitness regime. I’m usually disciplined with chocolate (close friends are laughing right now). I’m disciplined in my faith and always reading a book that sheds new light on God and my life. I’ve discovered I can’t possibly be disciplined in all areas of my life at the same time.

I’ve been through a running discipline (or fitness) before but this one doesn’t just fade for me. No this one comes to a halt with a trainer who moves away or I get an injury. I take a hiatus and fall off the wagon hard.

I get into a good nutrition season. I learn about how a new food has come into fashion (hello cauliflower) and that what my mother fed me is pure poison (goodbye white bread). I find new recipes, replace all my sugars (yes I have Tupperware labeled erythritol) yet I’ve been known to slip back into my old ways and go old school cooking on my family with no warning, from time to time. (Aww ham and potato casserole)

Faith – this has truly never wavered but my devotion level has gone through a season or two. If you have a baby? Oh young mother, you try. You probably are clinging to your faith and calling out short ‘rescue me’ prayers to get through the day. That’s right where God wants you. Then when you have a few years under your belt you figure you can’t screw this kid up too much so you let go a little. You realize you can take some time out for yourself so you can squeeze out some time to getting back to bible basics and seek a new word or idea for rejuvenation. Be it a thought from a flip calendar or getting through a 20 min podcast in 5 days. You go, girl.

So this brings me to my new season. I’ve been injured for 5 months. The gym is out of the question. Walking is out too. I still get up early in the morning. It’s winter and new recipes aren’t appealing. I’m in a spiritual rejuvenation period. It’s awesome. When my kids were young I would try to read a book about the Christmas story the whole month of December. This is, of course, Christ’s season, for goodness sake. Yet, I can count the years I actually remembered to read or get close to God during the season dedicated to Him! I could shame myself but He doesn’t shame me. I’ve read too many great books lately to mention. It’s been my thing to give away my favorite book of the year to my extended family but this year will be a mixture of four. Learning, journal writing, sharing with friends. I love this season. Although my exercise regime is out the window and well, I began to bake again. You can text me your ‘healthy’ baking recipes but I won’t like them. I won’t share about weight. The positive people out there will say it’s all in how you feel in your clothes is what counts. Well, let’s just say this year I’m asking Santa for a new wardrobe.

This definitely should not be a stressful season. So here are some tips from this ‘seasoned’ mom.

Use amazon! I love shopping but come dec 1st, crazies enter my stores and clog my parking lots and completely forget how to drive. Avoid! Shop online
Bake up a storm! It’s comfort and you will need comfort and joy this month. My comfort level was filled to the brim when I went to a friend’s house yesterday. We ate soup and BREAD, salad with yummy DRESSING and homemade cookies. What a delight!
Take time out for you! If that’s a 10 minute bath then fill that tub up, place kids in front of the TV on the other side of the door and close your eyes. If you’re so inclined, worship. It’s my favorite place to worship, just sayin’.

I know when I feel healthy again I will be running in the morning. I will have to be creative and carve time out for God later in the day. That is a priority. Eating the best I know how is also a priority and with a vacation on the horizon I have a motivator to wear those new clothes Santa is bringing me. (and you thought I was asking for a size up.) Also, accountability. This goes a long way. I have my daughter, my husband and some friends in my life who inspire me, push me and teach me. Ask me to be there for you if you need it.

I hope this Christmas season doesn’t get away from you. The best thing I was reminded of this morning is that it’s not from my own strength.

I will end with a quote from the book Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick.

‘Leaving nothing to our abilities, Jesus himself initiates our faith, and he’ll oversee it to its perfect completion. We’re to rely totally on him, the “one on whom (our) faith depends from beginning to end.” ‘

Merry Christmas!

Photo: taken two blocks away from my house. Christmas reminders all around me.

Look and Live

Today is a perfect morning. I slept in until about 6:30 am. It’s Zoe’s last day of second grade and it’s Blaire’s 20th birthday! No more teens in the house (for a while anyway!) This week in June is always full of emotion in our household. I’m embarking on another birthday in two days and I’m still embracing them. One more year older but another year closer to God. My perfect morning also includes Scott napping on the couch after his morning run. Blaire is up and journaling and I’m sitting in my morning reading chair with my morning devotion and my new favorite book Look and Live. With the back screen door open I can hear the birds chirping and feel a wonderful cool summer breeze. Blue skies and sunny. Just like it was the day Blaire was born.

As I sit back and reflect on the day of her birth I also fast forward to where I had hoped she would be today. Blaire and I didn’t always see eye to eye when she was growing up, but that was her finding her independence. Sometimes, us moms try to get in the way of this and push back when we are afraid of where they might be headed. It’s easy for a mom to second guess her every move and decision when her kids are growing up. When do I let go? When do I step in? When do I tell her she’s wrong? When do I sit back and watch? I remember squeezing Blaire’s hand so tight while crossing a busy street because my little Miss Independent wanted to run everywhere. Blaire has stepped out, spoken out and stood out most of her life. She has exceded way more than our expectations. Scott and I look in awe and thank God we could be apart of it. I hear parents worry about their kid’s futures all the time. What will happen when they go to high school? What will happen if we move? How will they handle college? We don’t know. That’s the beauty of it. Going through life’s milestones can be exhausting and I don’t just want to ‘go through’ life. I want to take it in. I want to enjoy it and I most definitely want to see God’s glory in everything. I can’t say enough about the book I’m reading called, ‘Look and Live’. It excites me to move from mundane and lift my eyes. Today I read, ‘ Father, your plans are better than my expectations.’ That’s my message to my kids.

When I think about my childhood it involves a lot of family. But I have been out of my parents house for 26 years now. Blaire has been engaged for 26 days and I’m counting down the days I have with her and cherish it all. Days heading to the gym, after work movies, early morning runs and lunch dates. Blaire is beautiful inside and out and now I get to help plan a big day she has dreamed about her whole life.

So summer break officially begins today. Birthdays, vacations, interacting with new and old friends. I don’t just want to entertain my kids or myself this summer. I want to encounter Jesus. Purposeful moments. Look and live.

When I am Weak

It’s a verse I overlook if everything is going great. But on a day that I feel like a failure I take notice. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says,

But he (Jesus) said to me,’My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Who wants to boast about their weaknesses? I started this blog hesitantly over 5 years ago because I was entering a very helpless and unknown and downright scary journey. Adoption was never on my radar. I hate putting this in print but I didn’t want any more kids. That’s just the point. I. Me. My plan. That’s my weakness. Selfishness. Can you relate? As a mom, you give so much. When I gave birth to two kids when I basically wanted to, it was fine. My timing, my agenda. When you give your life to God you gain so much more and I grew up knowing it, saying it and memorizing it. Now was the time to live it.

April 12, 2013 was the day Scott, Blaire and I sat in a small, stuffy court room that looked more like a classroom. There were maybe 20 people in the room with agents and lawyers and the female judge sat at a desk at the front of the room. We weren’t called first but when our name was announced we moved to the first row in front of the judge. She wasn’t especially warm. I tried to listen and concentrate on every word she said but I have to admit my mind wandered to all the time it took to get to this very moment. I couldn’t let emotion take over. I had to focus on her words and concentrate. She was concerned about how we would continue to teach our child about her heritage. Again, feelings of weakness, or in this case, inadequacy rushed over me. We told her other families in our church and community have adopted. We jumped through so many hoops to get to this point. We didn’t know how this whole life change would play out. She said some more things and Scott spoke mostly. She congratulated us and we were officially parents of a three year old. The following two weeks played out with me staying in Ethiopia with my new daughter and staying in a very dear friend’s house with her family. I had a cold and was homesick and all the while trying to basically get my new daughter to like me. ‘My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Zoe remembers a lot. She remembers eating certain things in Ethiopia. She remembers games and we show her pictures to remember. I sure hope she doesn’t remember how scared I was. How weak and helpless I felt. I hope she didn’t sense the uncertainty I felt bringing her home to our family and friends.

I recently read a great quote by Jess Connolly in her book called Dance Stand Run. ‘Abundance is on the opposite side of obedience’. Read that again. Now who doesn’t want abundance? In following the call to adopt my amazing daughter Zoe we received abundantly. My biological kids will say the same thing. My family will attest to knowing Zoe is seeing God in action. Is she perfect? No, not at all. Today marks her 5th gotcha day and every year I remember a different aspect of God’s perfect story He had for us.

I’m always amazed at how God protected Zoe. You know when your mom instincts kick in? Well, I would wake up in the middle of the night scared for her. The sweating, shaking, waking up your husband, kind of scared. The whole process was put on hold. Our first court date, that came unusually quick, got postponed and we were back in the waiting game. So, seeing updates and pictures of how our daughter was progressing on the computer every month from our agent wasn’t satisfying this mama bear. I knew she was in God’s hands but I didn’t know how she was treated day to day. I would pray when she cried that the nannies would take favor over the others and really care for her. Is that wrong? That was my heart.

The weakness reared it’s ugly head again when Zoe joined our every waking hour back in Michigan. I figured I had been a mom before so I had skills. I found myself in a bit of a depression the first summer with a little girl who was so sweet but defied my every command. I coveted my free time. I coveted my morning coffee and reading time. I didn’t want to watch Mickey Mouse playhouse again and sing kid songs. Ok, I lie. I do like the kid cd’s but it was all a big adjustment for me. My daughter is inquisitive, and cheery in the morning. She likes to be in every conversation and always wants to join in family hugs. She makes us laugh and has quite honestly, given me purpose in my life again. Yes, I have weaknesses but I rejoice that I’m not struggling through my days but relying on the power of Jesus Christ. That’s the strength we have to love others. Even a child that was birthed by another wonderful human being. I have to mention that in my daughter’s birth mom’s weakness, she found strength to allow her baby to have life to the full. Thank God for adoption. Thank God for Gotcha Day and Thank God for Zoe Ayame Clode.

Love won’t let me down

It’s a special thing when your kids grow up, move out and come back and hang out with you. My son has been married for 18 months and he and his wife live across the country. We just had a week like that. Having all my kids around the dinner table is a very fun moment. I find myself go quiet. I don’t talk much because I’m taking it all in and getting emotional. ‘Thank you Lord’, I whisper.
My blogs have taken me from the here and now to reflection. I like my age. I like being 47. In fact, just today I had to go to a local running store and claim my recent 5k third place age division prize. I owned it when I had to the tell the 20 something clerk that I was in the 45-49 age bracket.
It’s a snowy day today and the house is quiet. The internet is not working so no music, no tv, no computer. I’m sitting in my morning reading chair and decide to reach for the newly placed photo albums (still unpacking boxes after 6 months in the new house) and decide on opening my firstborn’s baby album. The one that poses my husband and I as kids having a kid. We were 25 and we knew nothing.
As I flipped through the pages I became painfully aware that I had no clue how my child would turn out. I didn’t know if my high school education would suffice to teach my son what he needed to know for a successful future. Who defines success? Wealth? Getting Married? A University degree? A parent wants what’s best for their kids but what determines the best?
I keep turning the pages and I’m laughing at my sick scrapbooking skills and at all the smiles. People who God surrounded us with in the early years. Wonderful godly grandparents and aunts and uncles. Cousins to play with and later confide in. Hand me downs, vacations, family pets and the many houses me lived in. But again something was very apparent in every picture. Love! Not just an obvious love a parent has for a child. That love scared me. I didn’t know I could love that much. I’m reminded of the Bible words, We love because He first loved us. Oh ya! The same love was bestowed on me since I was born. A love from God that since I was His creation he loved me unconditionally.
I’m at Jacob being 11 months old in the scrapbook now. We went on a mission trip to Trinidad for two weeks with friends and he was fantastic. I wasn’t lucky to have a great kid. I was given books and God lead me to godly women who shared with me how I wanted to raise my kids.
I learned that giving my kids everything they needed was not showing them love.
I learned that putting Scott and our marriage first was better for my kids and therefore, showed more love when they witnessed us going out on dates and taking vacations without them.
I learned that sleep is so crucial for their well being, and mine, so we had boundaries and naps times and quiet times.
I learned (and have seen the huge benefits) of reading to my children.
I learned quickly that even though i didn’t know everything, I called the shots and didn’t let my kids walk all over me. I’m the parent. (They will thank you later)
I’m also amazed at how God gave Scott and I the strength to adopt at the age of 42. We weren’t lucky that we got a sweet, teachable girl that loves life. We did what we knew what we knew how to do.
We set boundaries and surrounded her with godly families who poured into her. Did you know that when you adopt your agent will tell you to stay home and allow your child to adapt to their new surroundings? Don’t go on vacations right away and let them get used to who is in their immediate family.
Well our regular life is to have people over all the time. Needless to say we didn’t heed this advice. Zoe got welcomed home to a crowd of people ready to hold her and love her and we had a different set of relatives come to visit every weekend! I know all kids are not the same but I think we sometimes make it all too difficult. Let others watch your kid. They won’t get sick if you expose them to the world right away. We did life with our kids and so glad Zoe is up to that lifestyle.
Love is definitely my word for 2018. Moving has brought new people into my life and it’s a challenge to find time for all of them. I guess i just keep hearing God say, ‘Just love who is in front of you for that moment.’ Sometimes I make love too stressful. Jesus was surrounded by crowds and he loved the masses, yes! But He took the time to look into peoples eyes who needed Him most in the moment. If I’m honest with myself, I whisper all day long, ‘Who is it now, Lord?’

‘Love Won’t Let Me Down’ is a great song by Hillsong Young and Free

Perspective

It’s good to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Just having my perspective on life is comfortable but no help to those around me. You see, my shoes don’t seem to get very dirty. They are shiny most of the time. I complain when they make my feet hurt and if I get them scratched up, look out. I’ve been wearing the more sensible pair these days. A pair that suits me for every day. I don’t need the flashy pair or the pair to impress.

I always seem to want a new pair of shoes though. Maybe it’s for a special occasion or just because. Sometimes a new pair is good therapy, isn’t it girls? Maybe I’m bored and want to try something different. Maybe this reflects how I view my life some days.

I literally just went through all my shoes as I moved into my new closet. Some are classic and will barely go out of style. At my age, I don’t care if my favorite ‘go to’ pair really is out of style. Somewhere along the way, comfort took over and I think that is coupled with age and confidence. I do secretly admire the women who can pull off high heels in the city. I sometimes watch their face and try to notice the grimace and pain that is masked with the strut and poise they try to walk with. This choice is often covering up real feelings.

Then there’s my running shoes. I’m a runner and shoes are really the number one article of clothing you need to invest in. I mean $150 is about the most I will pay but that’s every 4 months or so. A smart runner will follow these guidelines to avoid injury and problems that will sneak up on you at the most inconvenient time.

Shoes isn’t what I really wanted to write about. I was contemplating life this morning as I sit and pray for my daughter’s first day of school. My youngest, Zoe, begins second grade at her new school and I’m reflecting on how fast life goes by. Since we still have boxes around in the new house I may have recently spent some time reading some stories and journal entries from my oldest when he was in sixth grade. I don’t wish to go back but I’m always trying to figure out how to move forward without missing one thing. To have a good attitude and to learn from every experience.

On the flip side my parents just celebrated 60 years of marriage this weekend. Sixty years together! They have been through many highs and lows. They have seen the world go through crazy disasters and changes and all the while clinging to the promises God gives in His word, the Bible. More and more carrying this perspective is how I want to walk. Standing firm in something solid and unshakeable. Stilettos will not cut it. Not gracefully anyway. The future is never for sure, but it’s how I live every day, that counts.

With no cue, Zoe just woke up, walked down the stairs, slipped my husband’s shoes on and marched them right to the door. She clearly wanted to park them where we put our shoes and she stumbled while she clumsily tried to not fall.

We can’t literally walk in someone else’s shoes. We can walk along side them, guide them along their path and hopefully be someone to lean on.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. Psalm 119:105

I’m reminded this morning that my blog is titled, your journey matters. Looking to meet new people and get into their mess definitely shows love. It helps take the focus off me and notice all the beautiful shoes that are all around me.

Today I wear my shiny black converse looking sneakers. It’s past Labor Day so I can’t show my toes or wear white and I’m walking Zoe to her new school today so I’m feeling young and good about myself. Knowing that I was born with a purpose, I can find the proper pair of size 7 shoes that are practical and help me get through the day.

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