reflection

The Habit of Prayer

Anyone else still experiencing quarantine brain? Still moving in slow motion? Maybe it’s different all over the world. You are told you can resurface, reenter, merge into civilization, kind of. The ‘new normal’ talk is bumming me out. I don’t know about you, but did all your good habits remain?

I mean I was on a great track when it came to Heath and Fitness. We had a great meal plan and gym/run routine going until I got sick before my trip to Florida. I flew home, mocking a few people wearing masks in the airport, only to have Zoe off school the next Thursday to finding out her return was indefinite and we had to purchase a mask ourselves! What?? I still go back to when and where and how this Covid virus took over our lives and the world and feel like I was in the Twilight Zone.

But now with having bans lifted a week at a time, how are you coping?

What is your lifeline? Or should I say who? Who do you go to when a crisis hits? Who brings comfort? Who do you rely on? Has that listening ear?

Ever since I was a little girl the answer to these questions is God. I didn’t really go through a ‘questioning of my faith’ phase. I’ve most definitely gone through a ‘I’m forgetting you because life of good’ phase a few times, but more times than not, I’ve clung to my relationship with Jesus.

I’ve written before about reading the book ‘Atomic Habits’. Well I read books like these pretty slowly. I take notes. I talk about it. Then I maybe begin two other books before getting back into it. Sound familiar? With some books on my phone, on my office shelves and in my audible app I’ve got a cornucopia of amazing titles to keep my brain working. A habit I’ve been developing my whole life is starting my day reading Gods word. I change it up and sometimes follow a devotion on the You Version App. Today’s was about prayer but compared it to a very relatable subject; food.

‘The right food fuels your body and produces better results. When repeated over time, this has a compounding effect. This effect makes the results easier to see. When we get results, we begin to hunger for whatever fuels the results.’

(Creatures of habit: prayer devotion)

I’m currently in a 7 day cleanse. Since quarantine I’ve had a roller coaster of emotions as did the whole world. Many people have shared with me about the increase of baking – developing a new skill, carry out – to support local businesses, and my personal favorite, wine consumption. (hey, did anyone keep their quarantine corks?). In such a short time I lost my muscle and gained the weight back from my amazing 60 day plans I was so diligently followed pre- quarantine. My daily habits went out the window when my routine was forced into hibernation. I’m sure you all could share a similar scenario but we could all have different triggers. For me the lack of interest in home workouts was it. Mixed in with the undesirable Michigan weather (I love my state but the never ending winter with zero personal interaction with family and friends was the tipping point for me).

Whew! Have you sighed relief yet? Do it slowly. Let go of tension and now that we have great summer weather approaching breathe in some fresh air. I did that and then began my cleanse. It’s not crazy. Smoothies, salad and adding some salmon and chicken. But that’s it. It’s been great. And going back to my habit quote, this good cleansing feeling is what fuels me to stick to healthy food. Just in time to approach my big 5-0 in four days.

I love birthdays. I truly do. Blaire’s birthday kicks off birthday week in the Clode household on the 15th. Then mine and four days later Jacobs’. I digress here but this week looks a little different. Blaire is still in Texas so we will not be together on her birthday for the first time in 22 years. Gulp. And Jacob celebrates his 25th on Father’s Day while he is anticipating to become one in three short months. What. is. happening? Another twilight zone?

No. I just lived one glorious day after another and here I am turning 50! Habits in check. Growing more in love with Jesus and writing a blog for over 9 years. So prayer is what this whole blog is about (I’ve contemplated rewriting this but stay with me)

‘The best way to increase your hunger for prayer, is simply to pray more’ – (creatures of habit devotion.)

There are so many examples of Jesus praying to His Father before a big event. Before walking on water. Before performing miracles. Before His death on the Cross. You don’t have to be a bible scholar to have heard of these amazing events. I prayed before this pandemic. I prayed a lot during the pandemic and as we see a shift and dare I say, the end of the pandemic, I’m beginning each day, each conversation, each interaction with a prayer. I heard a quote this week from a priest that has since passed and after researching all the religions of the world he summed it all up by saying ‘we are in good hands’.

My prayer is that you feel His presence. You seek His presence. You know His presence. Pray for peace and begin your good habits today.

A Good Cry

So have you had one yet? You know, a good cry. That moment when you let go of the tension you have held on to for far too long. That feeling of doing everything for everyone and you are growing weary. Or maybe it’s the overload on your brain. Sad or even grim information filtrating your home via your TV, phone, Alexa scroll, every social media site. Heck, even while my daughter is on an educational site, taking the place of her conventional classroom, she is reading reminder pop ups to wash her hands often. Not knowing how to feel when we wake up is another crazy feeling. So cry it out!

I mean how many times can I hear the word ‘unprecedented’. Jokes fly around about making it a drinking game. Take a shot every time you hear that word. I’m not a drinking game kind of gal but come on, aren’t most of us on the verge to doing just that! Since this COVID-19 has hit our country we have experienced the other word we have seen all too often; Canceled (I’ve chosen to go with the American spelling of this word…look it up) In my world it came at one of our busiest weekends. A beloved International Festival at my daughter’s elementary school. Then it was her last basketball game and party. I had a cancer fundraiser canceled and dinner with friends. Then it was church and a baptism and a friend’s mother’s memorial. I mean I usually have busy weekends but that was all rolled into one. One weekend! Right around the corner for most Americans is our week of Spring Break. Oh, it’s canceled. We will just postpone it all. Another yucky word we have all had thrown into our vocabulary involuntarily. And I can go on and on. Honestly as I was saddened by ‘my loss’ I was trying to empathize with a friend losing her father to health complications and the biggest complication was just to get to visit him. Many people have loved ones in a senior home and cannot visit them. My parents are elderly but I’m so thankful we literally just experienced a relaxing week in Florida with them. I’m praying that holiday didn’t compromise their health but having the borders literally closed, so just going over to say hello in Canada for a day is not even an option now.

So we get back to how we can just make it through this day. Make this brand new Monday not just bearable but cherish-able. Well, if you recall, I’m the mom who cheers when summer vacation is over! I dance my way to school as I kiss Zoe goodbye and yell out ‘freedom’. Well, I must begin my day, as I usually like to, and that is being in God’s word. The Bible reunites me with the God I have relied on throughout my whole life. Dating, marriage, motherhood, adoption, friendship. I can’t enter into any of these things without guidance, hope and love expressed through the life of Jesus. So I call that focus.

Doing good for others is the next thing that drags me out of sadness. My word for 2020 is Serve. In a time of isolation (another word for that proverbial drinking game) we need to look out for others. We all grabbed enough toilet paper for our household but you might have ‘a square to share’ (thanks Seinfeld for that hilarious visual) Who will it be for? What neighbor needs a sidewalk visit. A love drop of cookies or a friendly note saying ‘I’m here and I care’. I’m also trying to call someone a day and I’m a big letter writer so we might as well give our amazing mail carriers something worthwhile to deliver. Something I didn’t know was missing in my day was quiet time with Zoe. Again, if you know me, you know that Zoe jumps out of bed talking and it’s always too soon for me. I have asked God to work on me. Usually we have one hour to get ready for school. This is plenty of time but it hasn’t been priority to begin with the Bible and prayer. Hopefully this unexpected halt to our usual routine will establish this habit I have neglected with her.

So how will this Monday look for you? Probably very different than your daily planner would tell you. We are working out from home, some are homeschooling, some have adult children back under one roof. The crazy ones are getting a dog. Sorry. I had to throw that in. Enjoy.

I’m done crying and now smiling.

Zoe is trying to respect my time finishing this blog but calls out from the laundry room, ‘Mom, how do I turn on the dryer?’ Confused I call back ‘Why’? Zoe: Because I want to dry my clothes’. I call out the instructions and watch my very satisfied ten year old walk back out of our laundry room and get dressed for her day. Kids are resilient and since we don’t have our TV on blasting warnings and gloom all day my daughter can adjust to her new look on life. It’s temporary right? Quarantining is strange when we don’t feel sick. I understand that we need to know the facts but I want to be in charge of when I receive it. So let’s keep our phone calls and texts light and uplifting. And when we begin to focus on ourselves and our ‘losses’ we know that most likely someone else is going through something bigger and more difficult.

Isaiah 41:13 – For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Celebrations

Maybe you’re like me and you have been going through your Facebook feed of pictures, events, and celebrations you shared throughout the year 2019. I am recalling all the good things that we celebrated this year and couldn’t be more grateful.

The profile pictures that are selfies or with loved ones. Memorable vacations or your proud parent moments. Whatever you hold dear to your heart usually becomes the highlight, the shout out, the statement of the hour, day or month. I honestly can’t come up with one perfect moment this year. The top ones are usually the ones not captured on film. Many moments this year were celebrated with James and Blaire getting married. I think the moment I cherish the most is when Blaire and I laid on her bed the day before her wedding. We just had an emotional family breakfast and her bedroom furniture was being moved out of my house and into her new house. We held hands and cried. We laughed and recalled great memories. Knowing our relationship would change was difficult but I celebrated her new life as a wife.

The ten days being shown around California by Jacob and Rachel was memorable since I wanted to love the state that claimed their second and third year of being a married couple but also knowing they were moving back to Michigan later in the year. We laughed, we swam, we tasted wine and ate great food.

The moment we surrounded Scott the night before his long awaited race in Boston can’t be captured by a camera. We presented him with a binder of letters and pictures celebrating his running career and his ultimate goal achieved in Boston! So precious as we saw tears stream down his face and I could feel the relief and pain and dedication and pride all rolled into one moment.

Celebrating both my parent’s birthdays is always precious and not taken for granted. Family weddings and welcoming new babies to our growing family. Scott and Jacob launching their new company and seeing the highs and lows of being a boss, leader, mentor. Proud moments of when Zoe steps up to be kind or when we have a good hair day. They aren’t captured on film but so important to our story of 2019. I guess I haven’t thought much about the last decade since we are turning the calendar to 2020 in one day. I have a word for the new year but a word that comes to mind for the last decade is HOPE. Scott began his crazy marathon training ten years ago!! He has run 20 marathons and not slowing down. When we decided to run for a purpose it changed our lives for sure. Not long after in 2013 we got to bring Zoe home and for a few years in a row one of us has had the privilege to visit Africa and serve the people there. Raising money for clean water has been a family mantra for sure. A drive to make our actions count. Running has definitely defined us in the ’10’s for sure.

Pain hit me in the beginning of this year and getting a procedure on my foot gave me hope. It gave me a change in attitude and later in the year made me get a handle on my health and eating habits to be the best me for 2020. This is the year Scott and I turn 50. I’ve been experiencing some pain in the same foot again and trying to stay positive. I had hopes for a half and full marathon by May and I might have to settle for just one half. Stay tuned. But, if I head into 2020 focused on just me, it will be a sad year. God has shown me through Scripture and well, obvious signs around our house, my word for 2020 is SERVE. I’m expecting I will be able to serve in areas that won’t be captured on film and hopefully go unnoticed. A friend posted this quote talking about Scott’s company. ‘To serve is beautiful, but only if it’s done with joy and a whole heart and a free mind.’ (Pearl S. Buck).

Celebrate the hurts, the struggles, the victories, the milestones and just every breath.

1 Samuel 12:24 says, ‘Fear God and serve Him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things He has done for you.’

Happy New Year!

Don’t Let Go

Last night, I had the best time reminiscing with my parents. I was going to say my ‘aging’ parents but aren’t we all aging? My parents are 88 and 85 and really don’t look it. On the phone my mother can sometimes sound older but that could just be the hearing aid acting up. They drove from Canada to see my youngest act in a church performance last night and I decided it was the perfect time to get a box of old photos out. I was having trouble recalling the names of friends and relatives (some I had never met) and seized the moment. Having them sit right next to me and recalling friends in old black and white pictures was a great memory for me. I even asked my daughter to grab her phone to snap a picture of the enjoyable moment. Mom and dad would say things like ‘Oh, they died last year’ or ‘I don’t remember that picture being taken’. There was a backstory and a side story and sometimes two stories when my mom insisted dad didn’t have it right. ‘No,no,no Ken, that wasn’t her’. At one point I looked at my dad’s expression laughing with my mom. A lifetime flashing by before him, I knew he liked that I had this mix of old photos to pass along to my children. I also thought about how sad it would be if we didn’t remember these faces. I never knew my mother’s parents. They died before I was born. Recalling good times brings joy to the soul for sure. Some friends had tragic deaths and they died young. Some friends moved far away from Scotland like my parents did and began lives in the US and Canada. Some ended up at my church growing up and I remember them. Some were related to people I didn’t even know about. That sort of discovery blows my mind at how small this world can seem at times. Relationships, community, laughter. All the ingredients for a life pouring into people and how we can be influences on one another. My parents brought me up to love the Lord God, believe in Jesus and put Him as the highest importance in my life. A legacy passed down from both of their parents and even further back than that. A treasure I wish I could go back to thank my great grandparents for but for now I will keep these pictures and put names to the faces. If I don’t know, no one will be around to remember.

I have been currently reading The Story, which is a story version of the Bible. Having read through the Bible once before it’s not something that I regularly do. The language and lineage of names that are difficult to pronounce has me lost quicker than my coffee can stay warm and I find myself drifting off to my phone and Instagram. Forgive me. My faith doesn’t lie on knowing the names of those thrown into the fiery furnace or being able to name all twelve of Jacob’s sons but if I don’t visit them often in the Bible they will be forgotten and that is just sad. From a childhood of Sunday school stories, reading ‘The Story’ Bible is triggering the main event and allowing me to process the information that maybe wasn’t kid friendly to share. The Bible is called the living word, which I believe it to continue to teach and train me for life. In a similar way, I can learn and understand life from old photos of my relatives. God was very present in those days and tragedy hit. Sometimes, smiles were absent from some for very good reason. We don’t have to know all the details or gossip from every situation to know that God is still very present. He wants to teach us to love and pass along the very real purpose of raising kids and families to live for Him. With each generation comes problems, sadness and heartache. Just by knowing one another we can make a difference for the next generation. I just don’t want to allow my generation to miss out on knowing and remembering how God was and is. You know He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

My parents have changed … a lot. My father has the biggest mustache, that my mother doesn’t care for. They both have shrunk a few inches. (I wonder when that will happen to me) but recalling old times brought a smile and a laugh to both my parent’s souls that I will cherish forever. I want to read the Bible (or story version) with eyes like that. A loving God, retelling of generations He always loved, but some followed Him and some did not. Foretelling of His beloved Son, Jesus, and having Him die for you and me. I’m asking and praying for God to continue to reveal how that changes my life now in 2019 and passed down to generations to come. My word for this year was faithfulness and God has created moments to open my eyes to His faithfulness. As Christmas approaches, may you catch glimpses of love, laughter and joy and don’t let go.

Precious Moments

Remember those cute little plump figurines that were popular to collect? You remember Precious Moments. I had a bride and groom one, a bridesmaid one, and a first baby figurine. If you are unfamiliar with this fad or under the age of 25 then go google it and come back.

Well, this precious moment was experienced two nights ago when Zoe got her book out for me to read a chapter before bed. A regular occurrence that sometimes after a busy day a mom wants to rush or omit. Until you remember they aren’t going to be nine forever. The book of the week is Clementine. A classic, funny, read aloud and as I began reading where we left off the night before, Blaire popped into the room. She curled up on Zoe’s bed and they both snuggled in for a bedtime story. Sometimes our kids pull out the old Green Eggs and Ham or a Fairy Tale to be read and it feels like the 100th time. I was always a fan of when they graduated to chapter books. Something entertaining for both of us, you could say. This was a classic I remember from when Blaire and Jacob were little. I do love to read out loud to kids. One by one they are growing up and getting married and I feel like it’s deja vu. This is not a complaint one bit. Today I’m full of nostalgia. Full of reminiscing and enjoying it. I don’t hate that Blaire isn’t going to live here anymore. I will miss it but she’s ready to fly off the branch. Away from mamas nest. She is confident and secure and yet reliant on Jesus in a way that makes any mother proud. She isn’t leaving us and can still join in on a story-time or two. So yes, I choked back a few tears this night. I tried to read without cracking my voice. I want her to know I’m good with the new change.

It’s Zoe, that’s more difficult to understand. She doesn’t cry much or show much emotion and although she’s excited to be a bridesmaid in one day she still tacks on, ‘I hate that I’m missing field day though’. Yes, Friday, May 31 has been deemed Blaire and James’s wedding day for a year now but field day is important to my third grader too. Maybe when she’s older she will grasp the love she has experienced by her sister. Blaire, at the age of 8, wrote in a journal, ‘I wish I had a younger sister’. Her wish came true through a series of miracles and now Blaire gets to have her sister join her sister in law and the best friends a girl could ask for, to stand up and support her on her long awaited wedding day.

This mom is a big fan. I don’t think I needed to write this blog to convince myself. No, I will allow myself to feel all the feels. (advice from my sister in law.) I don’t want to be a blubbering mess but when someone texts me ‘I’m praying for you’ I get choked up. When we listen to a special chosen wedding song I get choked up. And when I picture my husband walking his baby girl down the aisle… well, I’m a bit of a mess right now. I’ve heard it said that you can’t prepare yourself for these kinds of moments. Someone also asked me if it’s different this time with Blaire as it was for Jacob. No, it’s the same. You love your kids so much and train them up to be strong and God fearing adults. You pray that they surround themselves with good people and then you let go. That’s where faith comes in. They have always been in God’s hands but under our roof. I think the biggest gift we can give our children is our blessing.

I was reading in an old journal I wrote on Blaire’s second birthday, nearly 19 years ago;

‘Today Blaire is 2! My little one is 2! I can’t believe it. She’s not a terrible two although she’s very independent and stubborn. She is starting to play with Jacob and she loves the attention. I thank God for her. I want us to be friends.’

This has been a precious journey. Can’t wait to read chapter 2.

Real words by Zoe: dated this morning… “I don’t have any tears unless you’re doing my hair”

Thank God it’s May

I have been complaining about the Spring we have been experiencing here in Michigan. The good I see today is that I’ve noticed that we can see the sunrise from our bed. We sleep with the windows open so the crisp air and soundtrack of chirping birds have coupled up to wake me in time to catch a glimpse of the beautiful colors painted in the sky. This morning I can see a pale yellow with a strip of tangerine, pale blue and then an unusual violet color to top off the beauty. We just might have a sunshiney May day. Rainy, damp days have been the norm of late and even though I try not to allow the weather to dictate my mood, spring in Michigan does that for me. Winter is a given. Lucky if the snow and cold waits until November to rear its ugly head but the snow and cold comes and I’m ready for it. Lately though, we don’t get very nice Aprils. Hence the option of heading south for Spring Break.

Tomorrow is my anniversary and I remember a week like this back in ‘92. Cool temperatures and praying for sun on the 9th. We did get a beautiful blue sky day for our nuptials. I love May. We said ‘I do’ on Scott’s 22nd birthday followed by Mother’s Day. Lots of reasons to have cake in May. Now we count down the days until my daughter, Blaire, says ‘I do’ on the last day of May. This event might also be the reason for the high emotion in the Clode household. Wedding prep is everywhere. Running out the door for appointments and last minute wrap up sessions are also apart of the next 23 days. I’m happy for Blaire but sad she’s leaving. Without warning, a couple of her friends just packed up her things in her room. Her room has become one of the cleanest in the house the last two years. Clean white walls with gold accents with a made bed everyday and an organized, tidy closet. Who is this girl? I haven’t cleaned her bathroom for years. Her and her brother have had that chore to share since they were 14. My mom reminded me of how I used to love cleaning the bathrooms and always had a clean room when I was younger and still under her roof. Lessons and habits passed down the generations. I just keep hearing ‘well done’ and yet I can still have a crappy day and get snappy that there are too many shoes in the mud room or that my dining room table becomes a work station. Sometimes I ask for a quiet morning but am reminded that this house will be all too quiet when my daughter’s friends don’t meet here for bible study every Thursday night or when we don’t have 10 cars filling our back lot because all of Blaire’s friends are back home from college. I’ve enjoyed the flower arrangements we have all over the main floor since that has become a new hobby of Blaires’.

I upset her yesterday. She read some advice marriage paper I was filling out for her and got offended. I wrote, and I quote, ‘you do a lot but maybe don’t realize you will be responsible to fill the toilet rolls etc. ‘ . She walked in the door and I mentioned that maybe some of her writing had etched into our table when she responded with, ‘ is there anything else wrong that I do?’.

I was confused but we talked and she thought I meant that she never refills the toilet roll. Nope. Not what I said. She will be shocked at filling everything in her new house. Having to buy the toilet rolls and paper towels and everything that runs out. That is her weakness. A sign of being an adult is buying regular supplies and not just the ice cream. True story. And you might even start to buy the cheaper versions to save money. I hope. We all do.

It’s never easy seeing your kids move on and I’ve expressed my feelings in many different ways over the course of this year long engagement. Excitement and love is mixed with sadness, I’m not going to lie. That’s life. My mother did an amazing job of letting me go. Raising me and teaching me to be launched into the world as an independent woman is what my mother did well. The letting go part is key. Sigh. Eye roll…. and bathed in lots of prayer. Now I get to do it. To my knees I go….

Lord, you have given me the greatest gift of raising three amazing children. Your guidance and faithfulness, my mothers training, many other mother’s support, lots of books and trust have got me to this moment in life. Launching number 2 is difficult but you love Blaire and James so much and I know they are in your hands. You comfort me when it’s difficult and when the tears fall but this is the natural flow of life. I’m letting go of any worries or anxious thoughts. You painted the sky for me today and I’m thankful I got to reflect on where my life has taken me. You are an awesome God. Amen.

Happy birthday to my stallion.

Happy 27th anniversary to the man of my dreams

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there and to my very own Mom, whom I treasure every year God grants me with her.

Many of my nieces and nephews birthdays are also celebrated in May.

Happy wedding day to my precious Blaire Elizabeth. Can’t wait to have dinner in your home and I will be in awe of your very clean refrigerator. Xox

Broken Together

He looked at me with a sincere loving look. A look I remembered from a time when we were dating. ‘Babe, I want to grow old, rocking in our chairs, next to you.’

Son of a gun, this guy always makes me cry. Not in the bad way, either. Celebrating 27 years married to Scott this May, just weeks before our daughter’s day of nuptials, and I still manage to ruin a good 5 day trip away or a simple date night. ‘We need to communicate better’ is my plight. Why do we women let things fester and build up in our minds? We have had arguments before but this one hurt him. I hated the look in his eyes. I didn’t set out to hurt. I wanted answers. I wanted him to admit I was right.

Yes, I’m going through a lot of emotions these days. I thought I could predict when I’m going to act out irrationally but no! I can’t see it coming before I begin to hurt the loved ones around me. First, it’s a snap at my 9 year old for not understanding her fractions homework, then it’s an unkind ‘teaching moment’ for my 20 year old on what goes in the dishwasher and what does not. Then it hits Scott. He’s been doing the dishes all wrong these days. I proclaim that it has been for 27 years but I like it when we have company and I get to sit with my guests and the kitchen gets cleaned. That’s just him. So I have to ask what’s my inconsistent problem? Hormones? Won’t go there. Some foot pain? Too easy. Stress? Ha! If you knew me, it’s not that. Change? Possibly. I actually don’t know the right answer. Even during an impromptu counseling session with good friends over for a home cooked steak dinner (cheaper than paying for the counseling, let me tell you.), I felt like I couldn’t quite express myself properly. It was nice to have someone else hear how we talk to each other, for a change. I’m saying a lot of words but they don’t make sense. I’m not unhappy with my marriage. I’m not going anywhere. I sometimes feel like my role in the home becomes under appreciated. That’s still not really it, though.

Funny enough our church is going through a marriage series. I didn’t think I was going to be blown away with how-to’s. The steps to take away were things we do on a regular basis. However, what hit me this past Sunday was the song they ended the service with. Also funny since I admitted in two blogs ago that I don’t love worship music in church. But this song wasn’t new. It was by a popular christian band called Casting Crowns and the song came out in 2014. I’ve never heard it before or is it that I am actually hearing it now for the first time?

The lyrics begin explaining a painful relationship. This isn’t Scott and I. But the chorus hit me.

‘Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete

Could we just be broken together

The only way we will last forever

Is to be broken together‘

I didn’t marry a perfect man. He will vouch for me and tell you I’m not perfect either. I hate when we go through times of being petty and when I stumble to put the argument into words. However, we always come back to saying we were meant for each other and we grow stronger.

I’m not sure this is anything more than trying to fix every little thing that I allow to annoy me. Here’s some free counseling advice; Don’t make a list or keep score with your spouse. I’m so glad my Heavenly Father didn’t give up on me because I was broken.

I just realized this is Valentines week! Cherish the relationships you have now and right wrongs and be humble. We are all broken people so let’s be broken together.

‘What gives our life meaning is how we are loved.’ That cheesy line is brought to you by every Hallmark movie.

‘People who are loved the way we are are loved should have lives marked by extreme thanksgiving and laughter because of the mercy and generosity of our King.’ – Because He Loves Me by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick.

Goals

It’s January. The month of new beginnings. The month of diets. The month of renewal. The month of resolutions. I know it can also be a month of sadness, depression and loneliness.

Today I feel old. Kind of in a good way. As I strive to live a good Christian life the older I get I realize I suck. Ha! How’s that for a topic for my first blog of 2019! Still reading? Ok. I feel old because my body is breaking down. When I’m running and training for a race I feel invincible. Unless, of course, injury occurs and for me, that is happening more frequently. I talked a bit about my latest foot issue on social media. I found out I have suffered from Morton’s neuroma in my left foot for about a year. It grew worse and soon caused me to limp and stay away from the gym since my Berlin marathon back in October. I found a clinic all the way in Boston who treats this issue without surgery and I went for it. Got a large needle stuck between my toes and froze the nerve to deaden it. Lovely stuff. After 8 weeks it did relieve the nerve pain but not 100%. I’m going again for a second round and feeling optimistic I will be completely healed but haven’t felt that way the whole recovery time. In fact, two Saturdays ago, I had a major meltdown where my husband found me in a heap on my bedroom closet floor surrounded by discarded clothes and cute shoes I no longer can wear. It was necessary. It was warranted. It was healing, to say the least. For 15 days I’ve rebooted my diet and feel great. All this is physical renewal.

The real reason I feel old today is that I woke myself up and felt an immediate nudge. No. I felt an urgency. No. I felt like I had a beautiful appointment I could not miss. When I wake up an hour before my nine year old routinely wakes up at 7:30, I get to sit and dwell and commune with my Heavenly Father. Not something my 30 year old self would feel like. My meetings and conversing with God isn’t new for me. The desire has deepened and to that I owe to maturity. I love that aging means I’m still learning. With age I still screw up but I’m less hard on myself. I get to learn more about who God is and that relationship is number one.

My word for 2018 was LOVE. I got to see myself view a lot of my interactions with that word at the forefront of my thoughts. 2019 brings a new word for me. FAITHFUL. I want to reflect on how God has been faithful in my life. I also want to be a faithful servant. I want to be faithful in reading God’s word and books about growing in my faith. I guess it takes some people a lifetime to figure God out. I say don’t stop until you find Him.

My nine year just woke up. She walked straight to the drawer in the kitchen to get a pot out to make her own oatmeal. She also went straight to our new amazon echo show to ask Alexa to start her day with songs by Lauren Daigle. The song You Say came on.

‘The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me

In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing

You say I am strong when I think I am weak

You say I am held when I am falling short

When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours

And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)

What You say of me (I)

I believe

With that I can find joy in what my day brings me. Dig deep and find time to be still. Maybe you will hear a word, for renewal, strength, or just plain survival.

Christmas Thoughts

Christmas isn’t just a day, am I right? It’s a season. The other day a young guy at the meat counter asked me if it felt like Christmas to me because he had not heard many Christmas songs on the radio this year. I thought maybe he was referring to the Spring like weather we are experiencing here in Michigan. Rainy and cloudy. No snow this Christmas. Does it feel like Christmas because you are up to your ears in wrapping paper or you find yourself yelling, ‘Don’t get it’, when the UPS man is delivering packages daily? Lots of friends have been posting their spot that makes them happy. Their Christmas tree in the quiet of the night when everyone is in bed. The quiet is a good place to be to reflect, ponder, wish. Is this Christmas?

I have enjoyed my 25 day Countdown this year. Not to be confused with my 12 day countdown of funny quips my 9 year old daughter has said this year. Zoe says funny things almost every day. I write them down and have been sharing them for the past three Christmases. No, that’s not my favorite countdown. Ever since I was newly married I have surrounded myself with devotions to dig into over the month of December. Honestly, I’m not very successful. Yes, its the craziest month of the year if you have little kids who have an elementary school event to attend twice a week or a teenager that needs a ride to a party or band practice or you have a party to bring a gift to. Did you sign up for room mom again and have to organize your kid’s Christmas party? You get the picture. I remember a book called Redeeming the Season which helps you do little meaningful tasks to remind yourself of why December 25 is so special. Have you had those moments? Hopefully when you sit in peace around your tree you aren’t too stressed to think of the crazy day you just had but instead you choose to be thankful for what you have. Hopefully when you sit in peace you are filled with love and feel useful. Hopefully you have that one moment of peace.

I’ve had that intentional moment of peace and thankfulness every morning around 6 am. Sometimes earlier. I came across a Christmas advent calendar I brought home from my visit to Hillsong Church while visiting my cousin in Sydney three years ago. I packed it away and didn’t use it until this year. Each morning I scratch off a circle that includes a Bible passage, a thought and an action for the day. The best thing about this is after I scratch off the circle I take a picture of it and text it to my cousin who is 16 hours ahead in the day because she wanted to share in the awe of Christmas too.

I have loved this moment and only (honestly) have missed one day and had to rush that reading just to get it in.

Someone complimented me the other day. He observed me hosting a dinner party for Zoe and 7 friends on Friday night to kick off their two week Christmas break. We had crafts, games and food planned and they were all hyped up on sugar. I’ve been through hosting this kind of thing before like, 7 years ago for Blaire and her friends. I have help and he asked me why I do it. He knows I’m also hosting a few family gatherings in the next five days that include sleepover guests. I said I have experience to say no to the less important things. I also have help from Blaire and Scott and I’m better at pacing myself. But now I know the answer. It isn’t because I’m an experienced mom and manage my time well. No, it’s all because I’ve started my day handing it over to Jesus. That should always be my answer because it’s true.

Some of the suggested actions this month have been;

Share an encouraging word with someone

Meditate on Gods calling on your life

Listen to someone’s dream today

Tell someone some good news today

Pray to know Jesus and his grace and truth more

Serve

How can we get through our long ‘to do’ list and complete these tasks? These are the things that count the most! That’s how. Everyday that I make God a priority is a good day.

So what if all your gifts are in bags because wrapping takes too long. Good for you.

So your baking came from a cookie walk. Awesome!

Ask your kids if they care if you don’t have Christmas crackers this year. They don’t.

So try not to run around today. Take it easy. Delegate and pray. Be still. It was a majestic and peaceful night when Jesus was born. Enjoy!

Merry Christmas!

Seasons of Life

I may have titled a blog this before but I’m in a new season so the content is different.

I’m in a season of discovery.

One of my strengths from a personality test I took a while back is discipline. I like this one. I am disciplined in my fitness regime. I’m usually disciplined with chocolate (close friends are laughing right now). I’m disciplined in my faith and always reading a book that sheds new light on God and my life. I’ve discovered I can’t possibly be disciplined in all areas of my life at the same time.

I’ve been through a running discipline (or fitness) before but this one doesn’t just fade for me. No this one comes to a halt with a trainer who moves away or I get an injury. I take a hiatus and fall off the wagon hard.

I get into a good nutrition season. I learn about how a new food has come into fashion (hello cauliflower) and that what my mother fed me is pure poison (goodbye white bread). I find new recipes, replace all my sugars (yes I have Tupperware labeled erythritol) yet I’ve been known to slip back into my old ways and go old school cooking on my family with no warning, from time to time. (Aww ham and potato casserole)

Faith – this has truly never wavered but my devotion level has gone through a season or two. If you have a baby? Oh young mother, you try. You probably are clinging to your faith and calling out short ‘rescue me’ prayers to get through the day. That’s right where God wants you. Then when you have a few years under your belt you figure you can’t screw this kid up too much so you let go a little. You realize you can take some time out for yourself so you can squeeze out some time to getting back to bible basics and seek a new word or idea for rejuvenation. Be it a thought from a flip calendar or getting through a 20 min podcast in 5 days. You go, girl.

So this brings me to my new season. I’ve been injured for 5 months. The gym is out of the question. Walking is out too. I still get up early in the morning. It’s winter and new recipes aren’t appealing. I’m in a spiritual rejuvenation period. It’s awesome. When my kids were young I would try to read a book about the Christmas story the whole month of December. This is, of course, Christ’s season, for goodness sake. Yet, I can count the years I actually remembered to read or get close to God during the season dedicated to Him! I could shame myself but He doesn’t shame me. I’ve read too many great books lately to mention. It’s been my thing to give away my favorite book of the year to my extended family but this year will be a mixture of four. Learning, journal writing, sharing with friends. I love this season. Although my exercise regime is out the window and well, I began to bake again. You can text me your ‘healthy’ baking recipes but I won’t like them. I won’t share about weight. The positive people out there will say it’s all in how you feel in your clothes is what counts. Well, let’s just say this year I’m asking Santa for a new wardrobe.

This definitely should not be a stressful season. So here are some tips from this ‘seasoned’ mom.

Use amazon! I love shopping but come dec 1st, crazies enter my stores and clog my parking lots and completely forget how to drive. Avoid! Shop online
Bake up a storm! It’s comfort and you will need comfort and joy this month. My comfort level was filled to the brim when I went to a friend’s house yesterday. We ate soup and BREAD, salad with yummy DRESSING and homemade cookies. What a delight!
Take time out for you! If that’s a 10 minute bath then fill that tub up, place kids in front of the TV on the other side of the door and close your eyes. If you’re so inclined, worship. It’s my favorite place to worship, just sayin’.

I know when I feel healthy again I will be running in the morning. I will have to be creative and carve time out for God later in the day. That is a priority. Eating the best I know how is also a priority and with a vacation on the horizon I have a motivator to wear those new clothes Santa is bringing me. (and you thought I was asking for a size up.) Also, accountability. This goes a long way. I have my daughter, my husband and some friends in my life who inspire me, push me and teach me. Ask me to be there for you if you need it.

I hope this Christmas season doesn’t get away from you. The best thing I was reminded of this morning is that it’s not from my own strength.

I will end with a quote from the book Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick.

‘Leaving nothing to our abilities, Jesus himself initiates our faith, and he’ll oversee it to its perfect completion. We’re to rely totally on him, the “one on whom (our) faith depends from beginning to end.” ‘