It happens every time. Without fail. I wanted to sleep in since we had been traveling for 14 hrs and I flopped down in my bed at 2 am. Zoe, who has a crazy internal clock…. Let me rephrase without passing judgement. Zoe has an incredible internal clock that this mom keeps trying to change. I love that she wakes at 6:59 am every weekday morning. Makes for a smooth daily routine to get her off to school. I sometimes whistle as I drop her off. Is that bad? Anyway, this incredible girl will wake at 6:59 even on weekends. And no matter where we travel to and with all the different times zones this girl has been exposed to, she doesn’t sleep in!
So, Zoe had a cat nap on the hour and half connecting flight from Atlanta landing us in Detroit at 12:08 am. Factor in waiting for luggage and a 45 min drive home, she got into her bed by 1:50 am. Me, just 10 mins behind her. She must sleep in today, I thought. I think I even audibly suggested that she can sleep in and hoped she got my subliminal messages as I knew she was asleep during the pj process. Five hours later, my daughter snuck down the hall at 7:39 am, hit all the creaks in the floor that triggered me to wake and she stomped (she can’t tiptoe) over to Scott’s side of the bed. Full on knowing you don’t come to moms side after full on disobeying. Sigh.
It’s Sunday morning. Church today. We leave at 8:45 for 9 am service. Are we going? Well, I wasn’t getting up yet. In my defense, my eyes wouldn’t let me.
‘Lord, forgive me, but I can’t go to church today. I have so much to do. Luckily, we have the option to live stream our service so I will just worship you that way today, ok?’
I make it down the stairs and head straight to my Keurig machine. I’m not a coffee freak but I had missed my Tim Hortons keurig pod coffee with two tablespoons of Italian sweet cream for over 6 days. You live for Starbucks or a pour over with fresh roasted beans from Kenya? This is my pleasure and I wasn’t speaking to my family until I got it. I knew they were plotting to go to church without me. I heard whispers of leaving mom home to rest. Oh no, I’m not carrying that guilt today. So I finish my coffee in silence, concurred with Scott that I was joining the family, got dressed and was ready to go.
Not sure if you ever feel like why you came to church on any given moment but I do regularly. I mean, I’ve been going to church my whole life. I never remembered skipping church unless I was very ill and I don’t recall when we, Scott and I, as a new family unit, even began questioning our presence in church but it happens from time to time. When I do get my sorry butt into my seat mid worship (because truth be told I don’t love corporate worship, so being late is ok with me) I said a silent prayer. I closed my eyes and confessed.
‘Lord, I’ve been saying this a lot lately, but forgive me again. I’m here and ready for a new word. I want to hear your voice. I want you to change my heart. I come before you humbled. I’m rotten and don’t deserve the goodness you give me daily. Speak to me’.
I may have opened my eyes only to notice the singer was still mid song and to feel more connected to God I continued to confess a little more. Maybe. Something like that.
Anyway, I got my cell phone out because yes, that’s what I do now. I’ve always been a church note taker but we dim the lights in our church. Pen and paper just doesn’t suffice. Besides, I’m a heathen and don’t even carry my Bible with me either so where will I put those said notes afterwards? Notes app is ready and fired every Sunday. I begin starting a blog about my failure as a mother. This blog may surface at a later date, but I’m trying to stick to God giving me a word. I just returned from a glorious vacation with Scott and Zoe to the self proclaimed, ‘happy island’ of Aruba. I’ve never been before and since I was missing the first snowfall back home I was delighted that my daily to do list involved sunscreen, sunbathing and eating the best burgers on the beach. Also, I wanted to experience happiness as the place suggests. However, traveling with our adored youngest, without adult siblings, meant that she would be bored. Sometimes, I feel like we are still new to the fact that we are basically raising an only child. Jacob and Blaire always amused themselves on our beach vacations. Dad is still good at this but I am not. ‘Just sit and rest’. ‘You cannot be hungry right now’. ‘Let’s stay in the pool and not go build sandcastles just yet’. Wow, selfish much? Embarrassed to say I was not the calm mom Zoe has proclaimed me to be in the past.
Back in church, God began speaking to me. Partly through my original thoughts and now mixing in the pastors thoughts. The service was on keeping the sabbath. Ok, laugh now. I mean I was going to stay home and finish some chores and skip church. Yes there’s the irony. More importantly I would have missed out on the following message, as the pastor put it;
DIVERT DAILY Get into Gods word John 15
WITHDRAW WEEKLY sabbath. Duh.
ABANDON ANNUALLY get away.
I recharge by being alone. God couldn’t have planned my three days alone in Boston at a better time. I’m literally on a plane as I write, going to a health clinic to get my foot fixed (another blog). I was driving to the airport just over 24 hrs from the time I arrived from my ‘happy’ family vacay, ALL BY MYSELF! ( insert pulsating heart emoji). It’s a strange feeling but I look forward to it. After sharing my revelations and thoughts to Scott about needing time to recharge he was all for it. I mean he agreed to my selfishness and pushy attitude towards Zoe lately, first, then he agreed that I should schedule time away …. alone. Music to any moms ears, am I right?
Being a stay at home mom doesn’t mean I have all the time in the world to do what I want. In fact, we usually find ourselves busying up our day serving and caring for others before ourselves. I’ve been working on this gig for a while now and I may have had a difficult reentry once Zoe came into our lives. Just the other day Zoe’s teacher was letting her third grade students know that a lot of their parents were taking time out of their busy schedules to volunteer at their class’ Halloween party. To my chagrin, ( I love using that phrase) Zoe, my daughter, my youngest who I do everything for and who is lovingly spoiled, shouts out, ‘No, my mom isn’t that busy’.
Well, if that isn’t reason enough to recharge and all the while get physical healing on my foot, my prayer for the next three days is,
‘Lord, make me fall in love with your word again. Make me sensitive to the needs of those around me and help me love like your son Jesus’.