weakness

Broken Together

He looked at me with a sincere loving look.  A look I remembered from a time when we were dating.  ‘Babe, I want to grow old, rocking in our chairs, next to you.’

Son of a gun, this guy always makes me cry. Not in the bad way, either.  Celebrating 27 years married to Scott this May, just weeks before our daughter’s day of nuptials, and I still manage to ruin a good 5 day trip away or a simple date night. ‘We need to communicate better’ is my plight. Why do we women let things fester and build up in our minds?  We have had arguments before but this one hurt him.  I hated the look in his eyes.  I didn’t set out to hurt.  I wanted answers.  I wanted him to admit I was right.

Yes, I’m going through a lot of emotions these days. I thought I could predict when I’m going to act out irrationally but no! I can’t see it coming before I begin to hurt the loved ones around me. First,  it’s a snap at my 9 year old for not understanding her fractions homework, then it’s an unkind ‘teaching moment’ for my 20 year old on what goes in the dishwasher and what does not. Then it hits Scott. He’s been doing the dishes all wrong these days. I proclaim that it has been for 27 years but I like it when we have company and I get to sit with my guests and the kitchen gets cleaned. That’s just him. So I have to ask what’s my inconsistent problem? Hormones? Won’t go there. Some foot pain? Too easy. Stress? Ha! If you knew me, it’s not that. Change? Possibly. I actually don’t know the right answer. Even during an impromptu counseling session with good friends over for a home cooked steak dinner (cheaper than paying for the counseling, let me tell you.), I felt like I couldn’t quite express myself properly. It was nice to have someone else hear how we talk to each other, for a change. I’m saying a lot of words but they don’t make sense. I’m not unhappy with my marriage. I’m not going anywhere.  I sometimes feel like my role in the home becomes under appreciated. That’s still not really it, though.

Funny enough our church is going through a marriage series. I didn’t think I was going to be blown away with how-to’s. The steps to take away were things we do on a regular basis. However, what hit me this past Sunday was the song they ended the service with. Also funny since I admitted in two blogs ago that I don’t love worship music in church. But this song wasn’t new. It was by a popular christian band called Casting Crowns and the song came out in 2014. I’ve never heard it before or is it that I am actually hearing it now for the first time?

The lyrics begin explaining a painful relationship. This isn’t Scott and I. But the chorus hit me. 

‘Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete 

Could we just be broken together 

The only way we will last forever

Is to be broken together‘

I didn’t marry a perfect man. He will vouch for me and tell you I’m not perfect either. I hate when we go through times of being petty and when I stumble to put the argument into words. However, we always come back to saying we were meant for each other and we grow stronger. 

I’m not sure this is anything more than trying to fix every little thing that I allow to annoy me. Here’s some free counseling advice; Don’t make a list or keep score with your spouse. I’m so glad my Heavenly Father didn’t give up on me because I was broken.

I just realized this is Valentines week! Cherish the relationships you have now and right wrongs and be humble. We are all broken people so let’s be broken together. 

‘What gives our life meaning is how we are loved.’ That cheesy line is brought to you by every Hallmark movie. 

‘People who are loved the way we are are loved should have lives marked by extreme thanksgiving and laughter because of the mercy and generosity of our King.’ – Because He Loves Me by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick.

 

Goals

It’s January. The month of new beginnings. The month of diets. The month of renewal. The month of resolutions. I know it can also be a month of sadness, depression and loneliness.

Today I feel old. Kind of in a good way. As I strive to live a good Christian life the older I get I realize I suck. Ha! How’s that for a topic for my first blog of 2019!  Still reading? Ok. I feel old because my body is breaking down. When I’m running and training for a race I feel invincible. Unless, of course, injury occurs and for me, that is happening more frequently. I talked a bit about my latest foot issue on social media. I found out I have suffered from Morton’s neuroma in my left foot for about a year.  It grew worse and soon caused me to limp and stay away from the gym since my Berlin marathon back in October. I found a clinic all the way in Boston who treats this issue without surgery and I went for it. Got a large needle stuck between my toes and froze the nerve to deaden it. Lovely stuff. After 8 weeks it did relieve the nerve pain but not 100%. I’m going again for a second round and feeling optimistic I will be completely healed but haven’t felt that way the whole recovery time. In fact, two Saturdays ago, I had a major meltdown where my husband found me in a heap on my bedroom closet floor surrounded by discarded clothes and cute shoes I no longer can wear. It was necessary. It was warranted. It was healing, to say the least. For 15 days I’ve rebooted my diet and feel great. All this is physical renewal.

The real reason I feel old today is that I woke myself up and felt an immediate nudge. No. I felt an urgency. No. I felt like I had a beautiful appointment I could not miss. When I wake up an hour before my nine year old routinely wakes up at 7:30, I get to sit and dwell and commune with my Heavenly Father. Not something my 30 year old self would feel like. My meetings and conversing with God isn’t new for me. The desire has deepened and to that I owe to maturity. I love that aging means I’m still learning. With age I still screw up but I’m less hard on myself. I get to learn more about who God is and that relationship is number one.

My word for 2018 was LOVE. I got to see myself view a lot of my interactions with that word at the forefront of my thoughts. 2019 brings a new word for me. FAITHFUL. I want to reflect on how God has been faithful in my life. I also want to be a faithful servant. I want to be faithful in reading God’s word and books about growing in my faith. I guess it takes some people a lifetime to figure God out. I say don’t stop until you find Him. 

My nine year just woke up. She walked straight to the drawer in the kitchen to get a pot out to make her own oatmeal. She also went straight to our new amazon echo show to ask Alexa to start her day with songs by Lauren Daigle. The song You Say came on. 

‘The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me

In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, (ooh oh)

You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing

You say I am strong when I think I am weak

You say I am held when I am falling short

When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours

And I believe (I), oh I believe (I)

What You say of me (I)

I believe

With that I can find joy in what my day brings me.  Dig deep and find time to be still.  Maybe you will hear a word, for renewal, strength, or just plain survival.

Seasons of Life

I may have titled a blog this before but I’m in a new season so the content is different. 

I’m in a season of discovery. 

One of my strengths from a personality test I took a while back is discipline. I like this one. I am disciplined in my fitness regime. I’m usually disciplined with chocolate (close friends are laughing right now). I’m disciplined in my faith and always reading a book that sheds new light on God and my life. I’ve discovered I can’t possibly be disciplined in all areas of my life at the same time. 

I’ve been through a running discipline (or fitness)  before but this one doesn’t just fade for me. No this one comes to a halt with a trainer who moves away or I get an injury. I take a hiatus and fall off the wagon hard. 

I get into a good nutrition season. I learn about how a new food has come into fashion (hello cauliflower) and that what my mother fed me is pure poison (goodbye white bread).  I find new recipes, replace all my sugars (yes I have Tupperware labeled erythritol) yet I’ve been known to slip back into my old ways and go old school cooking on my family with no warning,  from time to time.  (Aww ham and potato casserole) 

Faith – this has truly never wavered but my devotion level has gone through a season or two. If you have a baby? Oh young mother, you try. You probably are clinging to your faith and calling out short ‘rescue me’ prayers to get through the day. That’s right where God wants you. Then when you have a few years under your belt you figure you can’t screw this kid up too much so you let go a little. You realize you can take some time out for yourself so you can squeeze out some time to getting back to bible basics and seek a new word or idea for rejuvenation. Be it a thought from a flip calendar or getting through a 20 min podcast in 5 days. You go, girl. 

So this brings me to my new season. I’ve been injured for 5 months. The gym is out of the question. Walking is out too. I still get up early in the morning. It’s winter and new recipes aren’t appealing. I’m in a spiritual rejuvenation period. It’s awesome. When my kids were young I would try to read a book about the Christmas story the whole month of December. This is, of course, Christ’s season, for goodness sake. Yet, I can count the years I actually remembered to read or get close to God during the season dedicated to Him! I could shame myself but He doesn’t shame me. I’ve read too many great books lately to mention. It’s been my thing to give away my favorite book of the year to my extended family but this year will be a mixture of four. Learning, journal writing, sharing with friends. I love this season. Although my exercise regime is out the window and well, I began to bake again. You can text me your ‘healthy’ baking recipes but I won’t like them. I won’t share about weight. The positive people out there will say it’s all in how you feel in your clothes is what counts. Well, let’s just say this year I’m asking Santa for a new wardrobe. 

This definitely should not be a stressful season. So here are some tips from this ‘seasoned’ mom. 

  1. Use amazon! I love shopping but come dec 1st, crazies enter my stores and clog my parking lots and completely forget how to drive. Avoid! Shop online 
  2. Bake up a storm! It’s comfort and you will need comfort and joy this month. My comfort level was filled to the brim when I went to a friend’s house yesterday. We ate soup and BREAD, salad with yummy DRESSING and homemade cookies. What a delight! 
  3. Take time out for you! If that’s a 10 minute bath then fill that tub up, place kids in front of the TV on the other side of the door and close your eyes. If you’re so inclined, worship. It’s my favorite place to worship, just sayin’. 

I know when I feel healthy again I will be running in the morning. I will have to be creative and carve time out for God later in the day. That is a priority. Eating the best I know how is also a priority and with a vacation on the horizon I have a motivator to wear those new clothes Santa is bringing me. (and you thought I was asking for a size up.)  Also, accountability. This goes a long way. I have my daughter, my husband and some friends in my life who inspire me, push me and teach me. Ask me to be there for you if you need it.  

I hope this Christmas season doesn’t get away from you. The best thing I was reminded of this morning is that it’s not from my own strength. 

I will end with a quote from the book Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick. 

‘Leaving nothing to our abilities, Jesus himself initiates our faith, and he’ll oversee it to its perfect completion. We’re to rely totally on him, the “one on whom (our) faith depends from beginning to end.” ‘

Merry Christmas!

Photo: taken two blocks away from my house.  Christmas reminders all around me.

When I am Weak

It’s a verse I overlook if everything is going great.  But on a day that I feel like a failure I take notice.  2 Corinthians 12:9 says,

But he (Jesus) said to me,’My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  

Who wants to boast about their weaknesses?  I started this blog hesitantly over 5 years ago because I was entering a very helpless and unknown and downright scary journey.  Adoption was never on my radar.  I hate putting this in print but I didn’t want any more kids.  That’s just the point.  I.  Me. My plan.  That’s my weakness.  Selfishness.  Can you relate?  As a mom, you give so much.  When I gave birth to two kids when I basically wanted to, it was fine.  My timing, my agenda.  When you give your life to God you gain so much more and I grew up knowing it, saying it and memorizing it.  Now was the time to live it.

April 12, 2013 was the day Scott, Blaire and I sat in a small, stuffy court room that looked more like a classroom.  There were maybe 20 people in the room with agents and lawyers and the female judge sat at a desk at the front of the room.  We weren’t called first but when our name was announced we moved to the first row in front of the judge.  She wasn’t especially warm.  I tried to listen and concentrate on every word she said but I have to admit my mind wandered to all the time it took to get to this very moment.  I couldn’t let emotion take over.  I had to focus on her words and concentrate. She was concerned about how we would continue to teach our child about her heritage.  Again, feelings of weakness, or in this case, inadequacy rushed over me.    We told her other families in our church and community have adopted.  We jumped through so many hoops to get to this point.  We didn’t know how this whole life change would play out.  She said some more things and Scott spoke mostly.  She congratulated us and we were officially parents of a three year old.  The following two weeks played out with me staying in Ethiopia with my new daughter and staying in a very dear friend’s house with her family.  I had a cold and was homesick and all the while trying to basically get my new daughter to like me.  ‘My grace is sufficient for you.  My power is made perfect in weakness.’  Zoe remembers a lot.  She remembers eating certain things in Ethiopia.  She remembers games and we show her pictures to remember.  I sure hope she doesn’t remember how scared I was.  How weak and helpless I felt.  I hope she didn’t sense the uncertainty I felt bringing her home to our family and friends.

I recently read a great quote by Jess Connolly in her book called Dance Stand Run. ‘Abundance is on the opposite side of obedience’. Read that again.  Now who doesn’t want abundance?  In following the call to adopt my amazing daughter Zoe we received abundantly.  My biological kids will say the same thing.  My family will attest to knowing Zoe is seeing God in action.  Is she perfect?  No, not at all.  Today marks her 5th gotcha day and every year I remember a different aspect of God’s perfect story He had for us.

I’m always amazed at how God protected Zoe.  You know when your mom instincts kick in? Well, I would wake up in the middle of the night scared for her.  The sweating, shaking, waking up your husband, kind of scared.  The whole process was put on hold.  Our first court date, that came unusually quick, got postponed and we were back in the waiting game.  So, seeing updates and pictures of how our daughter was progressing on the computer every month from our agent wasn’t satisfying this mama bear.  I knew she was in God’s hands but I didn’t know how she was treated day to day.  I would pray when she cried that the nannies would take favor over the others and really care for her.  Is that wrong?  That was my heart.

The weakness reared it’s ugly head again when Zoe joined our every waking hour back in Michigan.    I figured I had been a mom before so I had skills.  I found myself in a bit of a depression the first summer with a little girl who was so sweet but defied my every command.  I coveted my free time.  I coveted my morning coffee and reading time.  I didn’t want to watch Mickey Mouse playhouse again and sing kid songs.  Ok, I lie.  I do like the kid cd’s but it was all a big adjustment for me.  My daughter is inquisitive, and cheery in the morning.  She likes to be in every conversation and always wants to join in family hugs.  She makes us laugh and has quite honestly, given me purpose in my life again.  Yes, I have weaknesses but I rejoice that I’m not struggling through my days but relying on the power of Jesus Christ.  That’s the strength we have to love others.  Even a child that was birthed by another wonderful human being.  I have to mention that in my daughter’s birth mom’s weakness, she found strength to allow her baby to have life to the full.  Thank God for adoption.  Thank God for Gotcha Day and Thank God for Zoe Ayame Clode.